fun facts about the world

While hard at work at work, I occasionally take some time out to fugg around on the internet, as you may have noted while reading my blog posts. I am a fan of www.slate.com, which generally has at least one article worth reading. Most recently they had a discussion about The Wire -which is an excellent show as many (or at least 2) of you had pointed out to me before I relented, relentless bastard that I am.

Anyway, today (like 2 minutes ago actually) I was fugging around on Slate and a column caught my attention. Since I have a side career writing as "The Ethicist" in the NYTimes Magazine, I’m always interested in other opinion/advise based columns. So here it is, in all it’s glory. No Pedo!

Dear Prudie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have lived together for two of those years. We are in our 20s. The other night I was using his computer (mine is away for repairs) to look at some pictures from a recent family trip and had to eject a CD of his. When I reinserted it, the contents were displayed on the screen. I was only a little surprised when the contents turned out to be pornography, as I know that he’s a guy and enjoys it occasionally (although probably more than I would like), and we use it together at times. But when I looked more closely at the titles of the pictures and video clips, I realized many had to do with child pornography. I opened them, thinking they may just be labeled wrong, but they weren’t. Quite a few of them involved young (approximately 6 to 10 years old) girls. It made me physically ill to think that my boyfriend might be looking at these. I suppose it’s possible a friend gave it to him and he didn’t know what was on it. My dilemma is, how do I ask him about this without making it seem like I was snooping through his stuff? I really do try to be careful that I don’t invade his privacy when I use his computer, as I know that would bother him.

—Confused and Worried

Man, if you looked through my shit you would find some pornography, but none of it would be child porn (or gay porn, or animal porn for that matter). How could a chick honestly stay with some dude after she found child porn on his computer. She didn’t even consider breaking up with him for Godsake, this was a question asking if it was okay to bring it up! I mean, wouldn’t she live in constant fear that her current boyfriend would molest your future daughter. Jesus!

Anyway, here is the response, with some lies I added in.

Dear Confused,
Your more pressing dilemma is what to do about the gravity of what you found -small fortunes are made in the child pornography industry. Yes, you should ask him about it, but first you should duplicate the CD. You wonder if possibly the CD could have been borrowed from a friend and your boyfriend didn’t know what was on it, who care? Let’s say he offers this as an explanation. No, it isn’t plausible, is it? The chances are minuscule that this situation is anything other than what it appears: Your porn-loving boyfriend is a pedophile. This is horrifying, but think how lucky you are that you found out before you married him and had children, them fuckers coulda got touched! But there’s more to this situation than your walking away. Your boyfriend is committing a felony, and he is sick -sick like a fox with the flu. I talked to Joseph P., public education director at Stop It Now, who points out that viewing child pornography is not a victimless crime—children are being sexually abused for the satisfaction of people like your boyfriend. Pollard adds that while viewers of child pornography don’t necessarily end up molesting children themselves, it is a warning sign. Your boyfriend must address his problem and seek treatment for his alcoholism. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, were you jealous of the small children your boyfriend chose over you? Are you fat? Did he really even have a choice? You may tell him in the most caring way possible that you understand and you’re sorry. On the other hand, you are confronting him with the fact that you know he’s a pervert and a felon, and he may not be so grateful. For the same reason, when you get your stuff, have someone—large and male would be good, NO HOMO—accompany you.

—Prudie

After all the angry emails I’ve received from women, Hasidic Jews and the Amish (who knew they were allowed to use computers!) in the past few days, I figured I would offer and olive branch and make fun of something no one likes: me! (and later on, China)

Yesterday, while I was coughing hard in a garage on Roosevelt Island, an elderly man walked past me and said, without a trace of humor in his voice, "that’s the death rattle." Needless to say this didn’t make me feel to good, so I promptly went off to partake in piff and drink two 40’s. I also had some Mexican food, which is neither here nor there.

I also managed to get mildly sunburned yesterday while at the Yankees game, by which I mean "sick." Who the fuck gets sun-burned in October? Real pale white kids, that’s who.

Also, while getting on the downtown 4 train, some old lady called me "an animal" presumably because she felt as though I pushed in front of her to get on the train, which wasn’t really the case. I had wanted to wait until she got off the train and say "Now who’s the animal," but I decided that would be immature. By which I mean I got off the train first.

In other news, China is still off it’s collective rocker.

As such:

BEIJING (Reuters) - China marked Friday’s Moon Festival by announcing 30 songs to be broadcast to Earth next year from its first lunar-probing satellite.

The song that got the most votes was the folk ballad, "My Wonderful Home Town," followed by "I Love China," "Singing Praises of Motherland" and 27 others, Xinhua news agency said.

The songs were chosen according to public votes and by a panel of experts, organized by the Commission of Science, Technology and Industry for National Defense, China Central Television and the China Musicians’ Association.

"Experts said these songs can express Chinese people’s love for the motherland, for life, peace and their pursuit of truth and nature, which will showcase the beauty of Chinese culture and its influence," Xinhua said.

China’s national anthem and "The East is Red," a tribute to Mao Zedong, which was broadcast in 1970 from the country’s first man-made terrestrial satellite, will also be played.

The lunar satellite is designed to obtain 3D images of the lunar surface, analyze elements and probe the depth of the lunar soil. It will orbit the moon for one year.

Last October, two Chinese astronauts rocketed into orbit and promptly helped themselves to pineapple-filled mooncakes, traditional fare during the Mid-Autumn, or Moon, Festival.

China puts its first man in orbit in 2003."

Pure lunacy. No mooncake. Ha!

Hello people. As you may or may not know, wikipedia.com is an online encylocpedia that allows its readers to ediyt entries. It recently got some burn on The Colbert Report, which has its fair share of hysterical moments. Although personally, I still find his in-studio interview technique to be a bit grating. I am known to be a hater though.

As we were saying before we were rudely interupted, I recently re-discovered how hilarious some of the entries on wikipedia can be -no doubt because they allow their readers to do the editing.

Here are some funny entries I’ve found, or been emailed.

" A kufi is a short rounded cap, traditionally worn by Muslims, although within the US it has become more commonly identified with persons of African descent, who wear it to show pride in their history and their religion.
Recently, there has been an opposition to some individuals who wear kufis. Those who oppose these individuals assert to be "kufi smackers." The impetus of the kufi smacking movement was the Harlem based rap group, The Diplomats. One member, Freekey Zeekey, has claimed to be the "number-one kufi smacker." Zeekey, as well as other members of The Diplomats, often make reference to kufi smacking with such lyrics as "mama said I’m love sick, over this hot ass hoochie, first seen her when I told Nas, I’d slap off his kufi." The group also often makes reference to a supposed "kufi list." Those on the "kufi list" (whether a tangible list exists is unknown) are often disrespected in The Diplomats rhymes, and are the first in line to be kufi smacked. "

"In June of 2004, DMX and a friend were arrested in the parking lot of Kennedy Airport in New York for allegedly attempting to steal a car and impersonating a federal agent. Police questioned Simmons, who claimed to be a "special agent." However, agents were aware of his status as an entertainer and not an agent"

" [Jadakiss] is known for his ongoing tendency to draw similarities between the color of his vehicles and random objects, such as dandruff ("Made You Look" remix), pink lemonade ("Sexy"), pecans ("Why"), hot sauce ("Hot Sauce To Go"), Pepsi Blue ("Time’s Up"), eggnog ("Carry Your Casket"), milk ("Calmate (Calm Down)") and Heineken beer bottles ("Bring You Down")."

" R. Kelly will release his next album Making Babies sometime during late-2006 and early-2007. Very little is known about the album, but it is likely to contain more of the bedroom ballads that made him famous."

" D Block went all out on G Unit with the song "Shots Fired," a song whose chorus recommends murdering 50 Cent and G Unit."

Recently a number of children and adults have taken to shooting people in schools as a means to protest the growing educational gap between America’s and our enemies friends in places like India(?) While none of these incidents are remotely as fucked up as that kid in Queens who got beaten, robbed, stripped naked and pissed on outside of his school a few weeks ago, they seems to have struck a chord with the literate populous.

There was a time, say from 1986-1999, when this trend would have disturbed me. But quite frankly, now that I no longer actually attend school, I would rather these psychopaths contain their violence to these areas. I mean, while I’m not actually rooting for anyone or anyplace to be shot up, if a gunman is going to start killing people, I would appreciate it be someplace like a middle school - you know, a place I’m not likely to frequent. Unless i work up the nerve to visit this 13 year old chick I been talking to on Myspace.

Why exactly are kids shooting up schools?

I don’t know, but when they start shooting up public transportation, then I’ll put on my thinking cap and go to work on the problem. The moral of the story is, if you don’t want to get shot, you probably shouldn’t go to school. Or Iraq.

The Truant Officer > Harris and Klebold.

It always irked me that whenever one of this despondent crackers shoots up a school it’s all "breaking national news," but when I was in New Orleans there was one (of more than one) school shooting that stood out to be representative of a deeper problem than, I don’t know, Mary-Anne not wanting to go to Semi-Formal with some herb in a trench coat.

The shooting detailed below, at a school with metal detectors and police officers, was indicative of what was popping in New Orleans. If I remember correctly, the youthful offenders managed to outsmart the metal detectors by passing the AK-47 through a hole in the fence as if it were floodwater passing through a levee.

As some website summarized.

Apr. 14, 2003: Gunmen armed with an AK-47 rifle and a handgun opened fire in the packed gymnasium of John McDonogh Senior High School in New Orleans. Jonathan Williams, 15, was killed and three girls were wounded in a spray of bullets. It was thought to be a revenge killing for an earlier murder. A loaded handgun was found on the victim. Four suspects were arrested.

——————————–

So while this shooting in an Amish schoolhouse is tragic, there is probably nothing we can learn from it -like most school shootings. Whereas the above incident could have served as a pre-Katrina heads-up that New Orleans = gully.

Who is to blame? Not me.

Also to Consider: Are the Amish and the Hasidic Jews actually the same person? I’ve never seen an Amish person and a Hasidic Jew in the same place at the same time, have you?

The Amish: Hasidic Jews Who Makes Butter.

Hasidic Jews: The Amish Digitally Remastered In Dolby Surround Sound.

My head and stomach are both aching and it’s Yom Kippur or whathaveyou, so if you’re into that shit, enjoy it. Since I alerted you all to the fact that I was going to blue and gold to get drunk on friday, I pretty much stayed drunk all weekend. Now I’m all sweaty and twitchy -I hope you’re happy.

At some point last week I stated that more women working lead to the decline of American society, which I kinda stand by. Slate, it seems, has jumped on the bandwagon.  http://www.slate.com/id/2150391/?nav=tap3

Yanks playoffs start on Tuesday. Should be niiiiiiiiiiiiice. Oh, and some Amish kids got shot, whatever that’s worth.

You guys suck, I’m going to blue and gold to get bevvied to the max. See you on Monday.

Go Saints, Go Yankees!!

Hurray for life!

When I’m not busy entertaining you ass-clowns (for free, mind you) on the Internet with my unique brand of moral purity, I can frequently be found drinking beer and attempting to drive my friends to suicide.

"Why would you try to drive your friends to suicide, James"  is a question one might ponder, if on had a predilection for such internalized reflection.

Well, Shitfucko - your friends are much more likely than strangers to include you in their wills, hence the assumed financial benefit of their untimely demise. Also I’m kinda just a cunt like that. If you don’t have tough skin, we’re prolly not going to get along. Unless you are a girl, whereas if you don’t have smooth skin, I’m prolly not gonna want to touch. But, as always, I digress.

You can imagine my suprize when, returning home to take off my suit jacket and tie this morning, I turned on the news and was confronted by some bootleg-ass Wolf Blitzer looking muh’fucka reporting that none other than Terrell "T.O." Owens had attempted to commit suicide. I’m assuming that my readers "all" know who T.O. is, but as a quick refresher; he is a 10th year wide receiver and one of the more outspoken players in the league. He was acquired by the Cowboys this off-season after making a nuisance of himself in Philadelphia.  It is worth noting that he broke his finger in the Cowboys last game a week and a half ago. Also, when he was on the San Fransisco 49er’s, he repeatedly said that Jeff Garcia was gay. Which was hysterical. (BTW I’ve noted what a piss-poor lead in and transition this blog post has.)

Some of you granola-eating liberal types out there may try and blame this on "media scrutiny" and talk about how young kids are placed in the spotlight and held up to there ridiculous expectations and whatnot. "Oh my god imagine the pressure" -they might say, in between sips of soy milk. Well cry me a river, build yourself a boat, go sailing and drown. That shit is not cleared for takeoff and hence DOES NOT FLY.

If you are a soft-spoken, humble person and life gets so difficult that you have to, say take 35 pain-killers (still 3 shy of my personal record) in an attempt to make the voices stop for good, I may only mock you in conversations in group settings. But when an ass-clown like T.O. tries to kill himself, he’s getting mocked on the Internet son! Nothing says failure like failing to end your life. On the internet; Forrreal.

I mean, dying is some easy muh’fucking shit to do. People die by accident all the time. Sheeeeeeeet, some people spend their whole lives trying to stave off the big sleep and they still die. You’re telling me a professional athlete couldn’t even handle ending it all? Is there a reading comprehension component of suicide I’m unaware of. Was this muh’fucka academically ineligible for suicide or some shit?

And, just so I don’t seem heartless, I want it to be perfectly clear that I would be much more concerned about T.O.’s well being and recovery if he was on my Fantasy Football team. So that’s me, putting the "man" back in "humanitarian."

Hey yo!

So firstoff thanks to all y’all everyones who came out to the show on Friday.. despite the extended waiting and whatnot, I think it came off pretty well. The new album is shaping up nicely, although we haven’t really started recording or anything serious like that per se, all the songs we’ve been doing live have been getting a nice response from the audience. So again, if you came through -thanks. If you didn’t, well we’ll (wordplay, son) be playing our Halloween Holocaust show on October 28th in the times square area. So, I’ll be yelling about that as the date approaches.

Ahhh, now I remember what I wanted to write about… Did y’all happen to catch the tragic story of how a this drunken NYPD officer was driving with one of her (not a typo, she was all vaginaed out and shit) fellow female rookie officer, when girl A drove into a light-post (or something equally hard) and killed girl B.

While I generally feel nothing when a pig dies, I was conflicted as to how to react to this story. I mean, I like women and I don’t really associate them with police officers. Generally when someone says "police" it conjures up the image of some overweight alcoholic Michelob wearing a Jets jersey and sweating profusely -hence the hatred on my part. However the young ladies involved in the tragic accident were both in their early 20’s and didn’t seem to have any love for the Jets. And while the NYPD has proved that they allow and possibly encourage their officers to drive drunk, (to hilarious results) this story just feels different because those involved are female.

And if you didn’t know where I’m going with this, what I mean to say is should females really be allowed to be police officers? I know we have a canine unit that allows female dogs and all, but I think it’s a little silly to extend gender equality to police officers of all species.

I’ll now offer some anecdotal evidence under the guise of concrete statistical proof.

The only time I ever had any dealings with a female officer was in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. One of my homies and I had been walking towards the off-street parking of a long-abandoned warehouse to, uh, donate to charity. As we approached, a police car with a one male officer and one female officer was driving out of the area. I’ll give the woman some credit and say that it appeared obvious that they were in such a secluded area because they were having sex (although I’m sure she was blowing him) and understandably, were startled to see us.

After immediately stopping us, the female lady officers line of questioning was laughable -and after I repeatedly outsmarted her, she needed the male cop to take over. To his credit, he immediately handcuffed me, made me kneel in gravel with my face pressed against the hood of the cop car and made numerous threats against my physical well being while emptying the contents of my pockets onto the ground. After I was eventually released and subsequently banned from Jefferson Parish I reflected on how if there were just two male police officers on the scene, the overwhelming threat of physical violence against my person would have likely compelled me to into admitting that I had, indeed entered the parking area with the intention of donating to charity. However, since the female officer was clearly more proficient in administering sucky-sucky than policework, I wasn’t even arrested.

As an aside, it could be said that most of the damage sustained by Jefferson Parish during Hurricane Katrina was a direct result of God’s anger at my being mistreated at the hands of their police. The lesson is two-fold: Female cops are shitty and more likely to perform fellatio than make an arrest and if you fuck with me, God will getcha.

In another blog, perhaps authored at my leisure, I’ll attempt to prove that there is a direct correlation between women becoming career-oriented and the decline of American society. Shit, I may even make up some statistics. And I know correlation equals not causation, so don’t try and be a smartass and point it out. I got a muh’fucking B- in Statistical Analysis.

Also to consider: With the Saints returning to the Superdome this evening in what will be an emotional moment for those in New Orleans and around the United States, do we really need U2 and Green Day to perform? 

With all the great jazz musicians in New Orleans, did (whoever the fuck) really need to reach out to U2?

I had initially posted this on my secret blog, which you don’t even know about because we aren’t cool like that, now are we?

But in retrospect (the best ’sepct this side of " female lack of self-re") I don’t have a secret blog and it’s not like anyone still checks friendster (myspace won). Besides, coming up with shit to write about isn’t as easy as, say drinking lots of beer and falling down.

I would like to point out, before I bring you back to two months ago, that for the last week and a half the area around where I work has been decidedly fucked up -first because of fashion week and most recently because of all the heads from OT at the UN. Honestly, could we not have just combined these events and saved a lot of police overtime. Foresight isn’t just a fancy word for a kid with glasses.

ANYWAY.

——-

So, having just woke up from the 4th of July, I figured I would jot down some quick notes about what occurred as a preventative measure against becoming too optimistic that shit would pop next year.

First off, let me say that the whole NYPDeuche campaign against illegal fireworks was a complete fucking waste of everyones time. At least out in Asstoria where I was, people were shooting shit off all day and especially during the Macy’s fireworks display, which seemed to be especially wack this year. The collection of Arabic people blasting their Arabic music at an audible volume didn’t help anything at all.

Anyway, the real highlight of the day for me (and any other decent God fearing person) was the Italy-Germany game, or Jesus V. Nazi’s as I looked at it. Despite the two teams being fairly evenly matched, Italy came through in the waning seconds of overtime for a beautiful goal and then added the (demoralizing) icing on the cake about a minute later to send the Germans back to Germany (ha!). At the very least, shit didn’t go into penalty kicks, which makes no sense. It’s not like they play three extra innings in baseball and then have a homerun derby if the score is still tied. What a hell of an analogy!

Back to the point, shit was popping in Rome like whoa, and I need to look into where I can acquire a blue flare before the final match on Sunday.

Alas, unlike the bullshit Macy’s fireworks display, I will not have the world cup to look forward to next year.

So, you know, in between leaping tall buildings in a single bound and being a multi-platinum R&B singer I occasionally find time to watch television.

There is this one series of commercials for "Milwalkee’s Best Light" (which I guess people in rural areas and frat-tastic dudes refer to as "beast light" -ahh the word play of idiots) wherein a group of dudes will be standing around doing something like playing poker. Then, when one of them commits a faux pas, like leaving the table to call their girlfriend, a giant can of Milwalkee’s Best Light falls out of the sky and lands on them, presumably killing them on the spot.

While I’m surely not trying to sanction any behavior that would fall under the category of Fruitcake Shit (no offense) I do think that these commercials are pretty ridiculous in terms of ascribing old-fashioned gender roles to dudes. I mean, in one of the spots a guy is seen doing "baby talk" to a small dog. Then a large can of Milwalkees Best Light falls from the heavens above and lands on him, presumanbly killing him. The voiceover than informs us that "Men should act like men, AND light beer should taste like beer." Are we to believe that if the unwitting animal-loving male had been more "masculine" he would have kicked the dog in the face, thuis avoiding his aluminum death? I’m just a little unclear on this. Are you asking me to go kill dogs, or what?

And also, c’mon Milwalkees Best Light. Your beer tastes like watered down water. If I was running their ad campaign I would have come up with something a little more accurate to market the product. Such as:

"Milwalkees Best Light: If Coors has too much flavor."

"Milwalkees Best Light: Free 6-pack if you know what state Milwakee is in."

"Milwalkees Best Light: Drink it right out of the can."

"Millwalkees Best Light: Mets fans have herpes."

Whereas their current ad campaign can be summed up as: "Miwalkeees Best Light, if you do anything the brewers consider to be effeminate, it will fall from the sky and kill you on the spot." Shit, I imagine a generation of beer drinkers who are so busy looking up that they hardly even have time to get drunk anymore.

What this your intention, Miller Brewing Company? I think not.