Archive for October, 2006

Halloween: An Affront To God

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

Halloween is an affront to God. One or two f’s? A felony is an F. How you gonna dress up like you ain’t proud of who you are? How you gonna win if you ain’t right within? I said, how you gonna win if you ain’t right within?

It’s cool for girls and kids aged 12 and under to dress up…No disrespect, I had mad fun with halloween when I was young. But like breast-feeding and going to elementary school, Halloween is the sort of shit men should grow out of. I would love it (to touch upon an issue I raised some time ago) if they did a Milwalkeees Best Light commercial where the giant can came from the sky killed some dude dressed up as "batman" or whatever is popping off these days. Theeeeeeese days.

But on the real…. if I see another dude wearing a dress or pretending to be some other shit he isn’t, I may just OD and get at his grill with an ox. It’s all fun and games to play dress up until some angry alcoholic (me) slices your face to ribbons because they feel you are having too much fun and your carefree attitude goes against everything they believe in -mainly people not walking around smiling and laughing and pretending to be bitch-made, land of make believe charachters from some movie I ain’t even see. I don’t know you dude.

I mean, uh… Trick or Treat.

Razors in apples in 2006.

"It wasn’t even close to Halloween"

Stop Biting My Shit

Friday, October 27th, 2006

Good day all.

In my amazing life of wonder and amazingness I have very few obstacles to overcome. Life has been very good to me and for that I am thankful. However, traipsing through life surrounded by beautiful women hasn’t been without the occasional instance of people misappropriating my style and claiming it for their own.

There have been numerous glaring instances of this recently, so many that I can’t even remember them all at press time. I will now bring two of them to light

You may have remembered my springtime campaign of asking people if they had read the latest issue of GQ. After they said "no" I would inform them that GQ said that "pale and skinny is the new tan and diesel." Just the other day I (well someone else saw it and told me) saw someone wearing a T-shirt that said "pale is the new tan." I have received nary a royalty check or a thank-you note from the faceless hipster who stole my idea and claimed it as his own. Thats some wack bullshit.

Also, while the homie cyph was at the movies with his lady friend watching "Man Of The Year" there was apparently a scene where they talk about and make fun of the idea of having "coffee with kofi annan." This is something that has been mentioned in this very blog before and had previously been recorded as a skit for the now chronikill album. Don’t believe me? Check my post on Feb. 8th 2006 entitled "Jesus Christ, Action Figure." You’ll see the line "And on that note Alito, I’ll be back for part three of three in my "religion is the bane of our collective existence" series at a later date. Until then, you can say this little prayer I wrote post-Katrina to make me feel more upbeat about the horrors or the world: "We’re drinking coffee with Kofi Annan/ Where have the Mardi Gras Indians gone…..of the tiger!/"

Clearly this is a blatant rip-off and I’m not happy about it. So next time you imagine me drinking Tropical Fantasy (fitty cent sodas in the hood they going crazy) in the Tropic of Cancer, just realize that the resort I’m staying at is probably owned by a jealous hater who got rich stealing my ideas.

I’m done for the week.

Come out to see Chronikill this Saturday night at 10pm at Desmonds Tavern on 29th Street and Park Ave. It will be awesome. I mean, I’ll be there. Sheeeeeeet.

If you are new to my blog or just wonder how to get to all the old posts, here is a classic where I propose that they create an Americatown bus in China. Watch, this shit will be invented by next weekend..

http://funfactsabouttheworld.blogs.friendster.com/fun_facts_about_the_world/2006/02/the_americatown.html

My Councilman Is Stalking Me

Monday, October 23rd, 2006

Hey y’all!

I’ve been distracted by football and alcohol recently and I haven’t been able to post as much as I wanted. If you want to buy me a laptop and fast Internet, I would be able to post more frequently. If you want to steal those things and give them to me, thats cool too. As A Buddhist, I feel as though all property is transitive anyway. Just don’t go repeating that line to the cops.

Anyway, in between training for the 2010 Olympics and teaching kids to read, I found some time today to check my email. Actually, checking my email was part of one of a lesson I employ while teaching kids to read, entitled "reading: there is shit to read on the computer" aka lesson number 21. It could be said that I’m burning herb way ahead of the learning curve. Anyway, after reading my email aloud to Johnny and Ali Ali Oner, they raised some interesting questions about email, the job description of a councilman and why sex is constantly confused for love. They are some smart little motherfucks, that Johnny and Ali Ali Oner.

Here is the actual email I received from Eric "E-Guns" Gioia, who is actually my Councilman. I even voted for him after/because he broke campaign law by handing out material directly outside of the polling station and shaking my hand, a fact that I could have used to get him thrown off the ballot. In retrospect, if I had more time it would have been pretty funny to have done that. I digress.

Don’t forget to join us at Latitude, just a block from Times Square, TOMORROW NIGHT at 7PM for the 1st Annual Halloween Party with Eric Gioia!

You don’t need a costume, but dress as festive as you want!   All the details for the event are below:

Eric Gioia's 1st Annual Halloween Party at Latitude (8th Ave. btw 47th & 48th), 10/24, 7pm

To give everyone a real opportunity to get involved, we’re asking people to give whatever they can — even if it’s only $10.  Please spread the word to friends, family, and co-workers, and if you are planning to attend, please click on the invite above to RSVP and buy your tickets online, so you don’t get stuck waiting at the door.  You can also RSVP at http://www.ericgioia.com/, at 718.426.5012, or by emailing us at teamgioia@ericgioia.com.

Thanks again for all your support, and we look forward to seeing you at Latitude (8th Ave. between 47th & 48th St.), TOMORROW NIGHT at 7pm!

Team Gioia

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So after reading the email aloud to the aforementioned Johnny and Ali Ali Oner, I asked them to respond and react to the contents of said email. Below is as close to a transcript of our conversation as I could muster. These conversations don’t transcribe themselves, you know.

Johnny: Why is the Halloween party a week before Halloween?

Me: I don’t know.

Johnny: Are you going to dress up?

Me: I’m not going to this wack shit. Besides, I’m a bit old to dress up.

Ali Ali Oner: My brother is your age and he dresses up.

Me: Your brother is probably a fucking herb.

Johnny and Ali Ali Oner: Oooooooooh.

Me: Sorry. Is there anything else you want to ask me about the email?

Johnny: If Eric Gioia is a councilman in Queens, why is he having this party in Manhattan?

Ali Ali Oner: Yeah!

Me: I don’t know. All I know about Eric Gioia is that if he keeps sending me these unsolicited emails I may file a restraining order against him.

Ali Ali Oner: You should be a councilman.

Me: One day, Ali Ali Oner……One day.

At this point me, Johnny and Ali Ali Oner broke into a spontaneous rendition of "Oooh Child" as red, white and blue balloons fell from the ceiling. Off camera, Eric Gioia was regretting the day he got me angry and lamenting his inevitable defeat when I run against him. Because I always said, if you can’t run up on ‘em, you can always run against them.

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RIP CORY LIDLE

Wednesday, October 11th, 2006

Crazy. As reported by espn.com. RIP.

NEW YORK — A small plane piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle crashed into a 50-story condominium tower Wednesday on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, killing at least four people, authorities said.

Lidle died in the crash.

The twin-engine plane came through a hazy, cloudy sky and hit the 20th floor of The Belaire — a red-brick tower overlooking the East River, about five miles from the World Trade Center — with a loud bang, touching off a raging fire that cast a pillar of black smoke over the city and sent flames shooting from four windows on two adjoining floors.

Large crowds gathered in the street in the largely wealthy New York neighborhood, with many people in tears and some trying to reach loved ones by cell phone.

"I was worried the building would explode, so I got out of there fast," said Lori Claymont, who fled an adjoining building in sweatpants.

Young May Cha, a 23-year-old Cornell University medical student, said she was walking back from the grocery store down 72nd Street when she saw an object out of the corner of her eye.

"I just saw something come across the sky and crash into that building," she said. Cha said there appeared to be smoke coming from behind the aircraft, and "it looked like it was flying erraticaly for the short time that I saw it."

"The explosion was very small. I was not threatened for my life," she added.

Richard Drutman, a professional photographer who lives on the 11th floor, said he was talking on the telephone when he felt the building shake.

"There was a huge explosion. I looked out my window and saw what appeared to be pieces of wings, on fire, falling from the sky," Drutman said. He and his girlfriend quickly evacuated the building.

The plane left New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport, just across the Hudson River from the city, at 2:30 p.m., about 15 minutes before the crash, according to officials at the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which operates the airport. But they said they did not where the aircraft was headed.

FAA spokeswoman Diane Spitaliere said the plane was apparently not in contact with air traffic controllers; pilots flying small planes by sight are not required to be in contact.

The National Transportation Safety Board sent a team to investigate.

Former NTSB director Jim Hall said in a telephone interview he doesn’t understand how a plane could get so close to a New York City building after Sept. 11.

"We’re under a high alert and you would assume that if something like this happened, people would have known about it before it occurred, not after," Hall said.

Mystery writer Carol Higgins Clark, daughter of author Mary Higgins Clark, lives on the 38th floor and was coming home in a cab when she saw the smoke.

"Thank goodness I wasn’t at my apartment writing at the time," she said. She described the building’s residents as a mix of actors, doctors, lawyers, writers and people with second homes.

Sgt. Claudette Hutchinson, a spokeswoman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command in Colorado Springs, Colo., said fighter jets "are airborne over numerous U.S. cities and while every indication is that this is an accident, we see this as a prudent measure at this time."

However, all three New York City-area airports continued to operate normally, Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Jim Peters said. In Washington, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said neither President Bush nor Vice President Dick Cheney was moved to secure locations.

"All indications are that is an unfortunate accident," said Yolanda Clark, a spokeswoman for Homeland Security’s Transportation Security Administration. She said there was "no specific or credible intelligence suggesting an imminent threat to the homeland, at this time."

The crash struck fear in a city devastated by the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. Sirens echoed across the neighborhood as about 170 firefighters rushed in along with emergency workers and ambulances. Broken glass and debris were strewn around the neighborhood.

"There’s a sense of helplessness," said Sandy Teller, watching from his apartment a block away. "Cots and gurneys, waiting. It’s a mess."

The tower was built in the late 1980s and is situated near Sotheby’s auction house. It has 183 apartments, many of which sell for more than $1 million.

Several lower floors are occupied by doctors and administrative offices, as well as guest facilities for family members of patients at the Hospital for Special Surgery, hospital spokeswoman Phyllis Fisher said.

No patients were in the high-rise building and operations at the hospital a block away were not affected, Fisher said.

The Confederate Problem In The Middle East

Tuesday, October 10th, 2006

Seconds earlier, while logging into yahoo! sports to see if the homie Sosa was willing to part with Randy Moss and/or Donovan McNabb I happened to notice that there was an article about the prevalence of confederate flags flying at NASCAR and how they may be having a negative effect on the image of NASCAR.

Not shocking.

The article went on to say how some people in more, how can I put this diplomatically, evolved, literate, cultured, indoor plumbing having,  civilized areas in the country viewed the flag as a symbol of oppression and racism. Whereas to the Southern fans who sit in the infield, the sight of the "Stars and Bars" is as natural as a Klan rally or Dad railing Sis on the living room couch.

I’m not a fan of NASCAR or the Confederate Flag, but I have to wonder why the scope of the argument wasn’t a bit wider. In these trying times facing our country, it has pretty much been proved by men who have more time and money than me that if you own a car and you live in America you are basically a domestic terrorist and you should probably kill yourself before you unwitting funnel anymore of your pathetic wages into the hands of madmen. How can you possibly justify buying oil and or gas from those unstable regimes in the Middle East (or Murray Hill, as I call it) and Venezuela?

You can’t.

I don’t give a fuck if you fill up your Jetta at some spot run by a fancy-ass subsidiary of a shadow corporation with a nice American name (British Petroleum comes to mind): you may as well be writing a check to Al-Qaeda with "fuck America" in the memo, shit for brains.

So I propose we leave this NASCAR argument to Billy Ray and Bobby Ted and focus on the real problem here: people who own cars.

I mean, if you live in a city where having a car is a way of life, maybe it’s time that you ran a bath and took a walk. And by walk I mean "down the wrist" with a razor blade.

And to think some of you granola eating pussies who claim to care about the environment have the nerve to put stickers like "Ooh, I care about the environment" on your fucking cars while supporting terrorist groups who want nothing more than to nuke America. And nuclear weapons don’t care about the environment. Put that in your circle and drum it.

Real Americans like me got kicked out of drivers ed and haven’t even been in a car since, roughly, 1998. So there, you fucking communist, jihadist, fake American, traitors.

ROX, 1 - You and Your Terrorist Friends, 0

Prudence, Dear

Friday, October 6th, 2006

While hard at work at work, I occasionally take some time out to fugg around on the internet, as you may have noted while reading my blog posts. I am a fan of www.slate.com, which generally has at least one article worth reading. Most recently they had a discussion about The Wire -which is an excellent show as many (or at least 2) of you had pointed out to me before I relented, relentless bastard that I am.

Anyway, today (like 2 minutes ago actually) I was fugging around on Slate and a column caught my attention. Since I have a side career writing as "The Ethicist" in the NYTimes Magazine, I’m always interested in other opinion/advise based columns. So here it is, in all it’s glory. No Pedo!

Dear Prudie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have lived together for two of those years. We are in our 20s. The other night I was using his computer (mine is away for repairs) to look at some pictures from a recent family trip and had to eject a CD of his. When I reinserted it, the contents were displayed on the screen. I was only a little surprised when the contents turned out to be pornography, as I know that he’s a guy and enjoys it occasionally (although probably more than I would like), and we use it together at times. But when I looked more closely at the titles of the pictures and video clips, I realized many had to do with child pornography. I opened them, thinking they may just be labeled wrong, but they weren’t. Quite a few of them involved young (approximately 6 to 10 years old) girls. It made me physically ill to think that my boyfriend might be looking at these. I suppose it’s possible a friend gave it to him and he didn’t know what was on it. My dilemma is, how do I ask him about this without making it seem like I was snooping through his stuff? I really do try to be careful that I don’t invade his privacy when I use his computer, as I know that would bother him.

—Confused and Worried

Man, if you looked through my shit you would find some pornography, but none of it would be child porn (or gay porn, or animal porn for that matter). How could a chick honestly stay with some dude after she found child porn on his computer. She didn’t even consider breaking up with him for Godsake, this was a question asking if it was okay to bring it up! I mean, wouldn’t she live in constant fear that her current boyfriend would molest your future daughter. Jesus!

Anyway, here is the response, with some lies I added in.

Dear Confused,
Your more pressing dilemma is what to do about the gravity of what you found -small fortunes are made in the child pornography industry. Yes, you should ask him about it, but first you should duplicate the CD. You wonder if possibly the CD could have been borrowed from a friend and your boyfriend didn’t know what was on it, who care? Let’s say he offers this as an explanation. No, it isn’t plausible, is it? The chances are minuscule that this situation is anything other than what it appears: Your porn-loving boyfriend is a pedophile. This is horrifying, but think how lucky you are that you found out before you married him and had children, them fuckers coulda got touched! But there’s more to this situation than your walking away. Your boyfriend is
committing a felony, and he is sick -sick like a fox with the flu. I talked to Joseph P., public education director at Stop It Now, who points out that viewing child pornography is not a victimless crime—children are being sexually abused for the satisfaction of people like your boyfriend. Pollard adds that while viewers of child pornography don’t necessarily end up molesting children themselves, it is a warning sign. Your boyfriend must address his problem and seek treatment for his alcoholism. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, were you jealous of the small children your boyfriend chose over you? Are you fat? Did he really even have a choice? You may tell him in the most caring way possible that you understand and you’re sorry. On the other hand, you are confronting him with the fact that you know he’s a pervert and a felon, and he may not be so grateful. For the same reason, when you get your stuff, have someone—large and male would be good, NO HOMO—accompany you.

—Prudie

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

Friday, October 6th, 2006

After all the angry emails I’ve received from women, Hasidic Jews and the Amish (who knew they were allowed to use computers!) in the past few days, I figured I would offer and olive branch and make fun of something no one likes: me! (and later on, China)

Yesterday, while I was coughing hard in a garage on Roosevelt Island, an elderly man walked past me and said, without a trace of humor in his voice, "that’s the death rattle." Needless to say this didn’t make me feel to good, so I promptly went off to partake in piff and drink two 40’s. I also had some Mexican food, which is neither here nor there.

I also managed to get mildly sunburned yesterday while at the Yankees game, by which I mean "sick." Who the fuck gets sun-burned in October? Real pale white kids, that’s who.

Also, while getting on the downtown 4 train, some old lady called me "an animal" presumably because she felt as though I pushed in front of her to get on the train, which wasn’t really the case. I had wanted to wait until she got off the train and say "Now who’s the animal," but I decided that would be immature. By which I mean I got off the train first.

In other news, China is still off it’s collective rocker.

As such:

BEIJING (Reuters) - China marked Friday’s Moon Festival by announcing 30 songs to be broadcast to Earth next year from its first lunar-probing satellite.

Residents flock to get free gifts during a promotional event at a park in Wuhan, central China's Hubei province, October 6, 2006. (Stringer/Reuters)The song that got the most votes was the folk ballad, "My Wonderful Home Town," followed by "I Love China," "Singing Praises of Motherland" and 27 others, Xinhua news agency said.

The songs were chosen according to public votes and by a panel of experts, organized by the Commission of Science, Technology and Industry for National Defense, China Central Television and the China Musicians’ Association.

"Experts said these songs can express Chinese people’s love for the motherland, for life, peace and their pursuit of truth and nature, which will showcase the beauty of Chinese culture and its influence," Xinhua said.

China’s national anthem and "The East is Red," a tribute to Mao Zedong, which was broadcast in 1970 from the country’s first man-made terrestrial satellite, will also be played.

The lunar satellite is designed to obtain 3D images of the lunar surface, analyze elements and probe the depth of the lunar soil. It will orbit the moon for one year.

Last October, two Chinese astronauts rocketed into orbit and promptly helped themselves to pineapple-filled mooncakes, traditional fare during the Mid-Autumn, or Moon, Festival.

China puts its first man in orbit in 2003."

Pure lunacy. No mooncake. Ha!

Wikipedia Wednesdays

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

Hello people. As you may or may not know, wikipedia.com is an online encylocpedia that allows its readers to ediyt entries. It recently got some burn on The Colbert Report, which has its fair share of hysterical moments. Although personally, I still find his in-studio interview technique to be a bit grating. I am known to be a hater though.

As we were saying before we were rudely interupted, I recently re-discovered how hilarious some of the entries on wikipedia can be -no doubt because they allow their readers to do the editing.

Here are some funny entries I’ve found, or been emailed.

" A kufi is a short rounded cap, traditionally worn by Muslims, although within the US it has become more commonly identified with persons of African descent, who wear it to show pride in their history and their religion.
Recently, there has been an opposition to some individuals who wear kufis. Those who oppose these individuals assert to be "kufi smackers." The impetus of the kufi smacking movement was the Harlem based rap group, The Diplomats. One member, Freekey Zeekey, has claimed to be the "number-one kufi smacker." Zeekey, as well as other members of The Diplomats, often make reference to kufi smacking with such lyrics as "mama said I’m love sick, over this hot ass hoochie, first seen her when I told Nas, I’d slap off his kufi." The group also often makes reference to a supposed "kufi list." Those on the "kufi list" (whether a tangible list exists is unknown) are often disrespected in The Diplomats rhymes, and are the first in line to be kufi smacked. "

"In June of 2004, DMX and a friend were arrested in the parking lot of Kennedy Airport in New York for allegedly attempting to steal a car and impersonating a federal agent. Police questioned Simmons, who claimed to be a "special agent." However, agents were aware of his status as an entertainer and not an agent"

" [Jadakiss] is known for his ongoing tendency to draw similarities between the color of his vehicles and random objects, such as dandruff ("Made You Look" remix), pink lemonade ("Sexy"), pecans ("Why"), hot sauce ("Hot Sauce To Go"), Pepsi Blue ("Time’s Up"), eggnog ("Carry Your Casket"), milk ("Calmate (Calm Down)") and Heineken beer bottles ("Bring You Down")."

" R. Kelly will release his next album Making Babies sometime during late-2006 and early-2007. Very little is known about the album, but it is likely to contain more of the bedroom ballads that made him famous."

" D Block went all out on G Unit with the song "Shots Fired," a song whose chorus recommends murdering 50 Cent and G Unit."

Schools Shootings = Yawn

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006

Recently a number of children and adults have taken to shooting people in schools as a means to protest the growing educational gap between America’s and our enemies friends in places like India(?) While none of these incidents are remotely as fucked up as that kid in Queens who got beaten, robbed, stripped naked and pissed on outside of his school a few weeks ago, they seems to have struck a chord with the literate populous.

There was a time, say from 1986-1999, when this trend would have disturbed me. But quite frankly, now that I no longer actually attend school, I would rather these psychopaths contain their violence to these areas. I mean, while I’m not actually rooting for anyone or anyplace to be shot up, if a gunman is going to start killing people, I would appreciate it be someplace like a middle school - you know, a place I’m not likely to frequent. Unless i work up the nerve to visit this 13 year old chick I been talking to on Myspace.

Why exactly are kids shooting up schools?

I don’t know, but when they start shooting up public transportation, then I’ll put on my thinking cap and go to work on the problem. The moral of the story is, if you don’t want to get shot, you probably shouldn’t go to school. Or Iraq.

The Truant Officer > Harris and Klebold.

It always irked me that whenever one of this despondent crackers shoots up a school it’s all "breaking national news," but when I was in New Orleans there was one (of more than one) school shooting that stood out to be representative of a deeper problem than, I don’t know, Mary-Anne not wanting to go to Semi-Formal with some herb in a trench coat.

The shooting detailed below, at a school with metal detectors and police officers, was indicative of what was popping in New Orleans. If I remember correctly, the youthful offenders managed to outsmart the metal detectors by passing the AK-47 through a hole in the fence as if it were floodwater passing through a levee.

As some website summarized.

Apr. 14, 2003: Gunmen armed with an AK-47 rifle and a handgun opened fire in the packed gymnasium of John McDonogh Senior High School in New Orleans. Jonathan Williams, 15, was killed and three girls were wounded in a spray of bullets. It was thought to be a revenge killing for an earlier murder. A loaded handgun was found on the victim. Four suspects were arrested.

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So while this shooting in an Amish schoolhouse is tragic, there is probably nothing we can learn from it -like most school shootings. Whereas the above incident could have served as a pre-Katrina heads-up that New Orleans = gully.

Who is to blame? Not me.

Also to Consider: Are the Amish and the Hasidic Jews actually the same person? I’ve never seen an Amish person and a Hasidic Jew in the same place at the same time, have you?

The Amish: Hasidic Jews Who Makes Butter.

Hasidic Jews: The Amish Digitally Remastered In Dolby Surround Sound.

Working Women

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

My head and stomach are both aching and it’s Yom Kippur or whathaveyou, so if you’re into that shit, enjoy it. Since I alerted you all to the fact that I was going to blue and gold to get drunk on friday, I pretty much stayed drunk all weekend. Now I’m all sweaty and twitchy -I hope you’re happy.

At some point last week I stated that more women working lead to the decline of American society, which I kinda stand by. Slate, it seems, has jumped on the bandwagon.  http://www.slate.com/id/2150391/?nav=tap3

Yanks playoffs start on Tuesday. Should be niiiiiiiiiiiiice. Oh, and some Amish kids got shot, whatever that’s worth.