Suicide Solution
When I’m not busy entertaining you ass-clowns (for free, mind you) on the Internet with my unique brand of moral purity, I can frequently be found drinking beer and attempting to drive my friends to suicide.
"Why would you try to drive your friends to suicide, James" is a question one might ponder, if on had a predilection for such internalized reflection.
Well, Shitfucko - your friends are much more likely than strangers to include you in their wills, hence the assumed financial benefit of their untimely demise. Also I’m kinda just a cunt like that. If you don’t have tough skin, we’re prolly not going to get along. Unless you are a girl, whereas if you don’t have smooth skin, I’m prolly not gonna want to touch. But, as always, I digress.
You can imagine my suprize when, returning home to take off my suit jacket and tie this morning, I turned on the news and was confronted by some bootleg-ass Wolf Blitzer looking muh’fucka reporting that none other than Terrell "T.O." Owens had attempted to commit suicide. I’m assuming that my readers "all" know who T.O. is, but as a quick refresher; he is a 10th year wide receiver and one of the more outspoken players in the league. He was acquired by the Cowboys this off-season after making a nuisance of himself in Philadelphia. It is worth noting that he broke his finger in the Cowboys last game a week and a half ago. Also, when he was on the San Fransisco 49er’s, he repeatedly said that Jeff Garcia was gay. Which was hysterical. (BTW I’ve noted what a piss-poor lead in and transition this blog post has.)
Some of you granola-eating liberal types out there may try and blame this on "media scrutiny" and talk about how young kids are placed in the spotlight and held up to there ridiculous expectations and whatnot. "Oh my god imagine the pressure" -they might say, in between sips of soy milk. Well cry me a river, build yourself a boat, go sailing and drown. That shit is not cleared for takeoff and hence DOES NOT FLY.
If you are a soft-spoken, humble person and life gets so difficult that you have to, say take 35 pain-killers (still 3 shy of my personal record) in an attempt to make the voices stop for good, I may only mock you in conversations in group settings. But when an ass-clown like T.O. tries to kill himself, he’s getting mocked on the Internet son! Nothing says failure like failing to end your life. On the internet; Forrreal.
I mean, dying is some easy muh’fucking shit to do. People die by accident all the time. Sheeeeeeeet, some people spend their whole lives trying to stave off the big sleep and they still die. You’re telling me a professional athlete couldn’t even handle ending it all? Is there a reading comprehension component of suicide I’m unaware of. Was this muh’fucka academically ineligible for suicide or some shit?
And, just so I don’t seem heartless, I want it to be perfectly clear that I would be much more concerned about T.O.’s well being and recovery if he was on my Fantasy Football team. So that’s me, putting the "man" back in "humanitarian."
