fun facts about the world

So during the World Cup (or the Copa Mundial as my Latin friends call it), the stark differences between the United States and the rest of the world (or the Mundial as my Latin friends call it) has become increasingly clear to me. I’m not really basing this on much other than what "Hondo" (the guy in the NY Post who makes "wagers") has to say, however many American, specifically the younger generation, seem to be unable to grasp how amazing and beautiful a game soccer is. And it pisses me off.

It seems as though our ADD-ed out, "I want it now" culture has completely warped our perspectives to the point where a complete non-sport like basketball (if you like basketball, you should really throw yourself headfirst into the nearest fire. 3 points if you do it from more than 6 feet away.) is able to captivate the minds of children all over the country (and, not to be biases I recognize that basketball is increasingly popular in Europe, but they are a bunch of followers anyway. No disrespect to European women.) simply because there is a lot of scoring. However the drama and tension of a soccer game seems to be completely beyond the comprehension of your average American.

My point is, if you don’t appreciate soccer (and I’m not talking about MLS here) on the highest level, as it is played in the World Cup (I’m not going to make the same joke three times in the same blog) maybe you should up your dosage of adderrall, spend four years sitting around reading books and having in-depth conversations on one topic that last more than twenty minutes and then try again. You fucking moron.

FORZA ITALIA!!

So I’m at the Yankees game with a couple of my peoples on Monday night (when Giambi hit two out) and as the game progressed and the alcohol starts to set in (thanks Sosa), this woman in her 50’s walks up to us (me, Sosa, Bala, Calhoun and M.Cano) and says "are you actors?" Since I’m clearly quicker on the draw than everyone (and "people I’m with" is a subset of everyone) I say to her, "I’m not an actor, but I lie a lot." And she looks at me and says "are you sure?" And I’m like, "well, I did theater in high school, but I can’t imagine that’s what you mean." And she mutters something about being from Texas and says "Well, can I have your autograph?" and thrusts a Sharpie and her ticket at me and I signed the back of it.

She thanked me and, I suppose, went back to Texas.

They say the only thing bigger than my dick is my ego…….and they’re right.

I’m sorry.. I really am.. Once again, I’ve been reduced to "disappointment to myself and others" status..

But as a wise man once said "when y’all fall off, you don’t fall far."

I don’t know what you people have been doing with your lives, other than not much to impress me; but I haven’t been up to shit. Truth told, in my 6 week (or thereabouts) absence of posting on this biatch, I’ve forgotten how to use a semi-colon. What would Dale Davis from Expository Writing say if he could see me now? Prolly something like "lets have class outside" or "I thought my cat was on acid." But then again, I have a sinking suspicion that it wasn’t the grammar and spelling that kept "the readers" "coming back," it was my edgy pseudo-informed commentary on the issues (and soup) du jour.

And as a tangential aside, just in case you had any delusions of me being less of a fuckwit or somehow in a position where I no longer have time to post on my blog, when I woke up this "morning" (that’s what the cool kids call the afternoon) with my stomach all destroyed by alcohol, salami and Indian food I decided that the smartest thing to do would be to go get a cup of chili (which Quiznos considers a soup, hence my Joyce-esque transition). Chili in the summertime = not the move. At the risk of turning off my female "readers" (who, no doubt, have bought into my mystique now that I’m no longer readily available on the Internets every morning) I won’t go into the gastronomical horrors said chili caused, but suffice to say it wasn’t pretty.

Speaking of not being pretty, did anyone see that interview with Britney Spears the other day on (insert news program)? I heard she looked awful, ha! Does everyone remember when she married that assclown in Vegas a while ago and her handlers (when I blow up I’m going to come up with a name for handlers, one which doesn’t reduce the talent to basically being a dog, although in the case of B. Spears, well how appropriate can you get) thought that shit was going to ruin her life.. Hindsight and Mad Dog, they’re both 20/20, I tell ya.

Another quick point.. So I’m checking up on my fantasy baseball team (WHY? WHY? WHY? formerly The Sex Crimes Unit (special victims MEANS special victims) and I can’t help but notice the hyperlink in Micheal Young’s name. So, wondering if he won some sort of accolade (player of the week perhaps?), I click on it and Yahoo! sends me off to a search engine that has automatically entered in the terms "teen porn." I can only hope that Friendster has also sold their (ha) respectability (ha) to the highest bidder as well and you can see what I’m talking about.

Baby, You’re Gonna Be The One That Saves Me,

J. ROX ONE

1: Dead

2: In Jail

3: On Vacation

4: Employed

Thanks to "everyone", by which I mean one or two people, who expressed concern over my well being during our time apart. I always tried to make it very clear that the main reason my blog stayed updated was that I was forced to sit in front of a computer at my old job. Since I’m no longer employed (see above) I can do all sorts of other productive shit with my days, like sleep and watch Law and Order. Also, I made it very clear that only sex offenders (registered and otherwise) spend their days trolling the Internet.

Listen, I don’t mean to imply that I won’t be updating my blog at all, but Law and Order doesn’t watch itself, if you catch my drift. I hope that everything is going really well in all of your lives and if you want to hang out and drink beer, you know where I’ll be found (when I come around). And if you don’t know where to find me, I’ll be at CBGB’s LOUNGE (313 BOWERY, DOWNSTAIRS) on SATURDAY JUNE 17th at 11PM performing with CHRONIKILL my amazing and well manicured rap group.

As a wise man once said "No one is mad at you, and you’re not in trouble."

Catch me on the G train..