Changing Rock Music
How was y’all weekend??
Awesome, mine too.
Really??
Do you like beer and hatred?? Silence with the promise of noise in the distant future?? You don’t chew tobacco, do you??
No??
We should totally date. ( "no homo" on the basis that some of my readers are male)
Fresh off not getting rich gambling on Horse Racing (it’s capitalized because I revere it), I’m back at work for the last 3 days -the homestretch, if you will. Also, someone has a birthday coming up. Not content with aging gracefully, I have developed a can’t miss formula to make rock music viable (again). At the very least I hope to inspire some collective groans.
Please don’t steal my idea.
Or better yet, steal it and make me famous, by which I mean rich. Big ups to www.badmintonstamps.com the authority on music made with and without guitars.
From the personal correspondence files:
****, you know some people -how can I go about selling my idea of "bands" saying their name over and over again in their songs - so people actually know who they are - to some A&R or whoever.. I can’t believe no one ever thought of this..
Or should I just speak to the bands directly??
My pitch:
…….and there I was simultaneously arguing that I hated Franz Ferdinand and that I’d never even heard one of their songs when my friend put their newest album "You Could Have It So Much Better (Betcha Man Can’t Do It Like Rox)" on the phonograph (people love fake details). The moment the band started playing music, I immediately realized that this was the very same song that I spent hours trying to describe to one of the helper bees at Best Buy by going "you know, it’s kinda like duh-duh-duh-da-da-da-kazoo-slide" -intending to purchase massive quantities in order to give them as birthday presents to all my friends who like hip-hop; because nothing says friendship like ironic gifts. Leaving Best Buy empty handed and heavy hearted, I thought to myself "there has got to be a better way."
Two Franz-free weeks later, standing in my friends villa, staring out at the peasants picking olives in the distance (those fake details, gotta love ‘em) while humming along to "Darts Of Pleasure (RZA Remix)" I thought to myself "there has got to be a better way."
And here it is:
(I click on my "PowerPoint presentation")
Consider the song, "The Fallen" by said Franz Ferdinand. The old lyrics, which are about nothing and do nothing to inform the listener who they are listening to, have been changed to infuse an undercurrent of vibrancy and, more importantly, the name Franz Ferdinand. Their cadence and rhyme scheme are laughable as well, but those are other fish, swimming elsewhere, which shall be fried when we cross the bridge. (I love to mix and match cliches and old adages.)
OLD LYRICS:
Some say you’re trouble, boy
Just because you like to destroy
All the things that bring the idiots joy
Well, what’s wrong with a little destruction?
And the Kunst won’t talk to you
Because you kissed St Rollox Adieu
Because you robbed a supermarket or two
Well, who gives a damn about the profits of Tesco?
NEW LYRICS:
Franz Ferdinand, think ya trouble, boy-boy?
Just because you like to destroy toys
All those things that the idiots joy (Ferdinand y’all)
Well, what’s wrong with a little soy (fuck lactose!)
Franz Ferdinand won’t talk to you (nah)
We got more Phillies than Bobby Abreu
Franz Ferdinand always ready to spark it
Fuck Tesco and ALL European supermarkets (fuck em)
While it could be argued that rock lyrics are basically rap lyrics written by a sexually-abused three year-old, they can serve as a distraction from the dissonance of the "guitar" or whatever. In my updated, improved lyrics even the least astute listener would be able to pick up on the fact that the name of the band is "Franz Ferdinand" instead of somehow thinking that the bands name is either Tesco (love your 3L Cider. Seriously.) or St. Rollox (patron saint of??).
It should also be pointed out that -even in European- destruction and Tesco do not rhyme.
While none of this ever really happened, It is amazing what I just accomplished in 30 minutes, isn’t it??
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Fresh off not getting rich gambling on Horse Racing (it’s capitalized because I revere it), I’m back at work for the last 3 days -the homestretch, if you will. Also, someone has a birthday coming up. Not content with aging gracefully, I have developed a can’t miss formula to make rock music viable (again). At the very least I hope to inspire some collective groans. 
May 9th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
james, i didn’t read this post because it’s long! but happy birthday. my last day of work was today. let’s get wasted tomorrow!