Hey y’all. What it do x 12??
Just in case you had any delusions about my sanity, this post should clear it all up.
I’ve had this idea swimming in the polluted lake that is my brain for a couple of months and I figured now that its fingers are all shriveled up, it is time to share.
Nerds. What’s the deal with them??
I mean, I understand that they are a hand candy mass produced by the Wonka Company, but I would like to delve deeper.
Are they unisex, or do they have gender?
Do they live on earth, or elsewhere?
You may notice (not to get all "crazy" on you) that on the box for the apple-coated watermelon/ lemonade-coated wild cherry that one of the Nerds is on the beach, seemingly enjoying a beverage. Is it alcoholic? Did they not get the memo about drinking on the beach being unsafe? Can they breath underwater? Do they float? Answers, cotdammit, I want answers.
Do the Nerds have their own currency, or are the on the Euro?
Do they live in a Democracy or a Monarchy?
Speaking of which, my connect was telling me I could get a pound of Nerds for $4.. Do you know what that is worth on the street? At least $5. Math son…. MATH.
A quick check of the Nerds page on wikipedia ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nerds) reveals that I’m not the only person who is borderline obsessed with this all-purpose confection; as Nerd42 says: "Nerds are my favorite candy. I’m addicted. I don’t know what I’d do if they ever stopped making these, but it would probably involve killing myself somehow." I really like Nerds, but if that’s all that’s keeping you alive -I’m rooting for them to discontinue them.
Also, while looking for more information on Nerds candy, I came across this discussion board (http://www.candydirect.com/candychat/archive2.html). I found some of the "searching for" sentiments to be vaguely reminiscent of those posted in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.
"Help! Desparately seeking "LOVE HEARTS" candies to be used as wedding favours (the round candies in a roll with phrases like ‘I’m yours’ and ‘Forever True’ on them. Need at least a box or two, ASAP! If you can help, please email danimark@sympatico.ca."
If I sent an email, it would probably read something like this.
Dear Danimark,
First of all, I assume that your email address is a combination of you and your fiances name. Nothing says "deserves to die in a fire" like combining your name with the name of your boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/fuckbuddy. You don’t see me with the email address JennaJameschiavone@doesntdeservetodieinafire.com, now do you?
Secondly, in case you missed the boat, slipped on the dock, cracked your head open and suffered massive (and I mean MASSIVE) brain damage you would probably realize that this candy is specific to Valentines day. They don’t sell Peeps during Halloween. Danimark meet seasonal marketing. Seasonal marketing meet Danimark. I mean, you don’t see me running around foaming at the mouth in the middle of the summer screaming "I can’t find any candy canes. What to do?? What to do??." Obviously comparing myself to you will lead to your eventual suicide, so I will refrain from doing so for the duration of the email.
Just kidding.
ME > you.
-ROXER
Side note: I sure didn’t see the post turning out like this!!
Fresh off not getting rich gambling on Horse Racing (it’s capitalized because I revere it), I’m back at work for the last 3 days -the homestretch, if you will. Also, someone has a birthday coming up. Not content with aging gracefully, I have developed a can’t miss formula to make rock music viable (again). At the very least I hope to inspire some collective groans. 
