Long Island: A Scathing Expose
In response to recent events, I figured I would take some time out of my otherwise busy day (ha!) to address a growing concern of mine: people from Long Island reproducing.
If you are like me, you realize that throughout history, without fail, every single villainous character has been from Long Island. I mean, while it is common knowledge that Hitler means "from Sag Harbor" in German, how many of you knew that bin Laden was actually born on Fire Island? Not to mention Amy Fisher, the poster-child for trashy girls in the suburbs everywhere. They didn’t nickname her the "Long Island Lolita" because she was raised in The Bronx. And those fucking embarrassment "Gotti" kids are just the latest example of what will happen if we don’t start the mass sterilization of Long Island residents. Neuter these dogs I say!
I bring all of this up because Colin Finnerty, one of the Duke Lacrosse rapists, has recently returned home to (you guessed it) Long Island to hide from the media. While I’m pretty sure that young Colin didn’t play any role whatsoever in the rape, I think he should still go to jail. I mean, isn’t being from Long Island and playing Lacrosse at least a misdemeanor?
Personally, I never even saw a Lacrosse stick anywhere except a sporting goods store until I got to college, which is why I have the moral fortitude of a young JC- however, despite my lack of lacrosse I had already had my fill of Long Island. While some children were sent off to camp to learn about, I don’t know, circle jerks and panty raids, I would "summer" in Long Island. Although I’m sure my summer home paled in comparison to the "multi-million dollar home sitting on a manicured cul-de-sac(k)" where Colin "busy hands" Finnerty resides, spending time there taught me a lot about Long Island and, by extension, how isolation combined with privilege produces a sense of sickening entitlement coupled with ignorance (and an accent like nails across a fucking chalkboard).
And I’m not targeting everyone from Long Island. My rule, when I make sweeping generalizations and stereotype millions (thousands?) of people, is that if you are reading it; I’m not talking about you.
So where was I?
Ah yes, calling for the sterilization of all Long Islanders.
I’m sure if you consider the pro’s and con’s of this issue, you will see that (as always) I’m correct.
In Other News: You had to know the Tram was gonna get stuck eventually.
