fun facts about the world

I was emailed this article by one of my numerous alert readers with instructions to "write a blog about this." Since my instruction following abilities are amazing (assuming I read the instructions, which I did in this case) - here I go!

At a little place I like to call Godfathers Pizza in the quaint ice-fishing and bear-hunting town of Austin, Minnesota there exists a boy. A special boy. This boy was so special that he managed to get himself trapped inside a toy machine at the aforementioned Godfathers Pizza in the aforementioned ice-fishing and bear-hunting town of Austin, Minnesota.

That boy, God bless his little heart and even littler brain was named Devin "the dumbass" Haskin.

Some people say "spare the rod (no homo) spoil the child." Other people may say "it’s not his fault, he’s only three." A third group of people do not speak English and therefore cannot participate in the conversation.

I say, "fuck that, by the time I was three I was already doing math (son, math), writing poetry, curing AIDS and a whole slew of other shit."

I mean, we can look no further than brainwashed racist Autumn Ashante’ to see that children under 8 are not only capable of eluding the capture of toy machines, but they are also capable of surprisingly effective race-baiting poetry. Is this another example of the growing educational gap between males and females? I mean, it is possible that Devin "dumb as a doorknob" Haskin was just displaying the same type of histrionic behavior that is drilled into young males heads by such awful television programs like (whatever your favorite show is).

Also to consider: who would you rather chill with a brilliant racist or a dumbass proponent of equality? All I’m saying is that I can have intelligent conversations with people I disagree with, but I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a dumbass.

I was thinking that if kids drank milk and ate vegetables while watching Sesame Street, the world would be exponentially better. A little more beta-carotene and Devin "the drooling dummy" Hakin would have had the eyesight necessary to see that the machine was not meant for him. Assuming, of course, that beta-carotene helps your eyesight and that he isn’t blind.

Furthermore, one would have to question how much longer Italian-Americans are going to be the victims of racial stereotypes. Why the fuck does the name of the pizza-place have to be "Godfathers"? Was "Productive Tax-Paying Citizens Pizza" too much of a mouthful? I also can’t help but notice that "The Godfather" video game is going to be released soon, teaching a generation of spoiled-overweight-herbed-out children the same untrue stereotypes about Italians. Besides fat people and Asians, it seems as though Italians are the last fair-game out there for those who preach hatred and divisiveness.

In other more "important" news, they French have their berets in a bunch over the new proposed labor laws. I was under the impression that everyone only worked 30 hours a week and got something like 6 weeks of vacation, but maybe my French reader(s) can shed some light on that. I mean, you won’t hear me arguing that "Travailler" is the move in any country. If I was in France, I would tell the French youth "Mon ami Juve dit ‘everybody need a check from FEMA, so they can go and score them some co-ca-ina’."

In "most important news" status, we are only a few short days away from opening day!! I remember after the Super Bowl, I wasn’t sure my wrists would remain un-slit until the joys of baseball were broadcast from Heaven directly into my living room on a daily basis. But thanks to rap music, yoyaine and a little help from college basketball I made it through the "dark ages" of February and March.

Okay?

Also, I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that my last post saved Abdur Rahman’s life.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 29th, 2006 at 9:44 am and is filed under Current Affairs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.