fun facts about the world

So I’m looking at www.yahoo.com to pass the time while I’m at work (and because the popular kids are doing it), and I happen upon this fun fact about the rap group of the mouth and the whore-bag of the year working together in the studio. On music.

Yup, Paris "Where is my upper lip" Hilton is currently recording with Three 6 Mafia in Los Angeles. I was pretty sure that Paris Hilton wasn’t a musical artist and also pretty sure she was a racist (I mean, she is a ridiculously rich white girl from the UES, no?), but I guess people change. Either way, this is hard to take on so many levels, so I’ll just let the good people at yahoo (they cleaned up their act since I proved a few months ago that Yahoo was racist) take it from here.

"We ran into her at a William Morris Agency party and she said she liked our song `Stay Fly’ and asked could we work with her," said Jordan "Juicy J" Houston, a member of the Memphis hip-hop group."

"We let her listen to a dance track and she really liked it and plans to record it tonight," Houston told The Commercial Appeal newspaper by phone Tuesday.

I’m not hating on Three 6 Mafia at all, but I’m just a little curious how far things have deteroiarated in Memphis when DJ Paul, Juicy J and Crunchy Black are getting the key to the city. I mean, come on! Whats next, Crack Appreciation Day? Abortion History Month? Thank God For Violence Week?

"The trio will be back in Memphis to receive a key to the city Saturday, deemed Three 6 Mafia Day."

I can imagine the conversations in Memphis….

Boy 1: "A-yo, what ch’all doing for Three 6 Mafia Day?"

Boy 2: "I’m going to sip some sizzurp!"

Boy 3: "I’m gonna tear da club up!"

Boy 4: "I’m going find me a 2-way freak."

Girl 1: "I’mma let you feel my tounge ring!"

James: "Oh boy!"

I was emailed this article by one of my numerous alert readers with instructions to "write a blog about this." Since my instruction following abilities are amazing (assuming I read the instructions, which I did in this case) - here I go!

At a little place I like to call Godfathers Pizza in the quaint ice-fishing and bear-hunting town of Austin, Minnesota there exists a boy. A special boy. This boy was so special that he managed to get himself trapped inside a toy machine at the aforementioned Godfathers Pizza in the aforementioned ice-fishing and bear-hunting town of Austin, Minnesota.

That boy, God bless his little heart and even littler brain was named Devin "the dumbass" Haskin.

Some people say "spare the rod (no homo) spoil the child." Other people may say "it’s not his fault, he’s only three." A third group of people do not speak English and therefore cannot participate in the conversation.

I say, "fuck that, by the time I was three I was already doing math (son, math), writing poetry, curing AIDS and a whole slew of other shit."

I mean, we can look no further than brainwashed racist Autumn Ashante’ to see that children under 8 are not only capable of eluding the capture of toy machines, but they are also capable of surprisingly effective race-baiting poetry. Is this another example of the growing educational gap between males and females? I mean, it is possible that Devin "dumb as a doorknob" Haskin was just displaying the same type of histrionic behavior that is drilled into young males heads by such awful television programs like (whatever your favorite show is).

Also to consider: who would you rather chill with a brilliant racist or a dumbass proponent of equality? All I’m saying is that I can have intelligent conversations with people I disagree with, but I’ve never had an intelligent conversation with a dumbass.

I was thinking that if kids drank milk and ate vegetables while watching Sesame Street, the world would be exponentially better. A little more beta-carotene and Devin "the drooling dummy" Hakin would have had the eyesight necessary to see that the machine was not meant for him. Assuming, of course, that beta-carotene helps your eyesight and that he isn’t blind.

Furthermore, one would have to question how much longer Italian-Americans are going to be the victims of racial stereotypes. Why the fuck does the name of the pizza-place have to be "Godfathers"? Was "Productive Tax-Paying Citizens Pizza" too much of a mouthful? I also can’t help but notice that "The Godfather" video game is going to be released soon, teaching a generation of spoiled-overweight-herbed-out children the same untrue stereotypes about Italians. Besides fat people and Asians, it seems as though Italians are the last fair-game out there for those who preach hatred and divisiveness.

In other more "important" news, they French have their berets in a bunch over the new proposed labor laws. I was under the impression that everyone only worked 30 hours a week and got something like 6 weeks of vacation, but maybe my French reader(s) can shed some light on that. I mean, you won’t hear me arguing that "Travailler" is the move in any country. If I was in France, I would tell the French youth "Mon ami Juve dit ‘everybody need a check from FEMA, so they can go and score them some co-ca-ina’."

In "most important news" status, we are only a few short days away from opening day!! I remember after the Super Bowl, I wasn’t sure my wrists would remain un-slit until the joys of baseball were broadcast from Heaven directly into my living room on a daily basis. But thanks to rap music, yoyaine and a little help from college basketball I made it through the "dark ages" of February and March.

Okay?

Also, I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that my last post saved Abdur Rahman’s life.

Now I’m not trying to attack Muslims, but something needs to be said about the ridiculous hypocrisies going on in their little fruitcake world over there.

If you are like me, you try your best to pay attention to whats going on in the world. Granted I don’t really understand the Muslim religion, but then again I went to Sunday School for something like 6 years and I didn’t pick up too much insider information about Catholicism either. What I do know about the Muslim religion is mainly what I’ve learned through the media in recent years, and to be fair it is the fundamentalists who tend to be getting the most attention (which is a distinction a lot of out-spoken critics of Islam fail to make) - but regardless of that, this shit going on in Afghanistan (which I was under the impression the U.S. was controlling under the guise of a shadow-government-puppet regime) is -in a word - unfuckingbelievable.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060324/ts_nm/religion_afghan_dc

My main man Abdur Rahman is about to go on trial for converting to Christianity and if convicted, faces the death penalty. Now I’m not a missionary and I don’t advocate anyone converting to any religion, unless it is to give their semi-senile mind some peace as they live out their last years in a hospital bed. But to actually have a law that states if one isn’t Muslim "Death is the punishment stipulated by sharia, or Islamic law, for apostasy. The Afghan legal system is based on a mix of civil and sharia law." is a little fucking extreme for my tastes.

And I know that there are differences in between Muslim sects (word to civil war in Iraq), but isn’t this the same religion whose followers were taking to the streets and chanting "kill Denmark" because someone drew a picture of their Prophet that they didn’t like?

I’m not a proponent of "kill ‘em all" -which is a view a lot of close-minded Americans take on the middle east, but all I’m saying is that some people are beyond saving, basically have little value as people and should be ignored. I’ll repeat that for emphasis -all I’m saying is that some people are beyond saving, basically have little value as people and should be ignored. And if you want to let some lunatic Cleric speak for you, well then you fall under that category.

Our fearless leader chimed in with this statement "The United States wants Afghanistan to show that it respects religious freedom and quickly resolve the case." 

Now, I’m no theologist, but I would say if there is a law on the books that punishes conversion to any religion other than Islam by death, chances are pretty good that Afghanistan doesn’t respect religious freedom and furthermore, they aren’t even fronting as if they are tolerant. But then again, your boy Bush was never one to correctly assess a situation.

I would just like to point out, like most of the problems in the history of the world, there is a woman scorned at the center of this nonsense as well…"He (Abdur Rahman) was detained after his family informed authorities he had converted, apparently following a family dispute involving two daughters, a judicial official said."

In the words of Bette Middler (authors note, at some point in my childhood, I sung this with my elementary school at the UN):

From a distance the world looks blue and green,
And the snow-capped mountains white
From a distance the ocean meets the stream,
And the eagle takes to flight

From a distance, there is harmony,
And it echoes through the land
It’s the voice of hope, it’s the voice of peace,
It’s the voice of every man

From a distance we all have enough,
And no one is in need
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,
No hungry mouths to feed

From a distance we are instruments
Marching in a common band
Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace
They’re the songs of every man

God is watching us, God is watching us
God is watching us from a distance

From a distance you look like my friend,
Even though we are at war
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
what all this fighting is for

From a distance there is harmony,
And it echoes through the land
And it’s the hope of hopes, it’s the love of loves,
it’s the heart of every man

It’s the hope of hopes, it’s the love of loves
This is the song of every man

And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance
Oh, God is watching us, God is watching
God is watching us from a distance

I was reading something in the NY Post today( http://www.nypost.com/news/regionalnews/65796.htm -if you want to read the actual article, truth told, I just skimmed. I try not to get too bogged down reading articles by hack journalists. Did I say that out loud?) about how NYC was going to add 1,200 new cops, and I’m like "why would they do that?"

I understand, in theory, that the police play some sort of role in maintaining law and order in the city, but rather than adding police, why don’t we kick some people out to maintain the balance of power between civilians and killer cops (I’m looking at you illegal immigrants with criminal records).

Also to consider, while crime may not be good for the victims, it certainly is the thriving force behind cultural development. I mean, what sort of viable art ever came out of places like Orange County.

ANYWAY, as it is now the NYC police force is larger than the standing armies of like 85 countries, and I don’t even think I can list 85 countries (lets see…. Italy, England, Spain, Europe, Puerto Rico, Libya, Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Ireland, Poland, Turkey, Brazil, Canada, Mexico, Argentina, Japan, Korea, North Korea, China, Peru, Greenland, Iceland, Belgium, France, Paraguay, Uruguay…no homo on "Uruguay").

Suffice to say that there are a lot of cops around everywhere and they make me feel nervous and reduce my quality of life, not that anyone cares. I personally don’t know anyone who was ever helped by the cops, in NYC or anywhere else for that matter. And if you were helped by the cops, I can only say that it’s 2006 and about time you STOP SNITCHING. If someone assaults you, assault them back and go on your merry way. I’m sure Hammurabi is rolling over in his fucking grave!

I also want to point out that NYC Taxpayers pay for police overtime, much of which is as a direct result of 9/11. One may ask why the city pays for something that clearly falls under the umbrella of Homeland Security, but Michael Chertoff stopped answering my e-mails after I called him "a pathetic failure with sub-par personal hygiene" and insinuated I had videos of myself with his daughter (and mother) in rather compromising situations.

These overtime costs break (mathematically, son) down to about $5 million dollars a week (yeah, a week) just in excess pay to the NYPD directly related to keeping the MTA safe in quotation marks. So, while shitfuck places like whatever town YOU came from stand in line like the little gold-diggers they are and suck up the fat from these pork barrel homeland security grants, the financial burden for protecting the city with the highest threat level (and the only city attacked to date) falls squarely on my shoulders. I’m talking about New York here. Focus!

Now, I’m not going to front, I got a D- in Prob and Stat my freshman year of college and since then I’ve let the digital scale handle most of the my complex math problems, but $5 million (extra cost per week) times 52 (number of weeks in a year) = $260 million, even if you don’t include the "counter terrorism program in the financial district". Then why the fuck is NYC asking the Dept. Of Homeland Security (you’ll recognize them by the blood on their hands from Katrina. I keep telling you, use bleach!) for $219 million? Excuse me, we’re planning to ask. I guess we haven’t worked up the nerve yet, what are we going to wait until the Dept. Of Homeland Security is drunk at a fucking cocktail party to bring this up??

"Officials also said they plan to ask the Department of Homeland Security for $219 million in federal funding to help with overtime, equipment and a new $81 million counter-terrorism program in the Financial District."

Am I living in a fucking dreamworld? Click on the box to the left for a remedial course in mathematics.

"Meanwhile, the Civilian Complaint Review Board, which investigates charges of misconduct by cops, was fighting for its life at the budget hearing yesterday.

Even as complaints are steadily rising - up 9 percent in 2005 - the mayor wants to cut the CCRB’s finances."

Awesome! Well, at least we still have 1-800-COP-SHOT. Thank god for that.

Also: There is a free show up at Fordham University this Friday at 6PM to protest police brutality, featuring Live Performances by Hasan Salaam, Immortal Technique, Styles P, Saigon and more…

Barring a Utopian society developing by Friday where there is no such thing as police brutality, I’ll be there.

Until then, peep the video footage from the last CHRONIKILL show, and keep waiting for spring like it’s coming home with your fix dinner: I’m waiting right there with y’all.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FtEld6sxiHQ - The link.

as always, if you want me to update my blog, you can just shoot me an email or a friendster message and shortly thereafter, *boom* updated. disclaimer: quality, content and originality may vary.

I was just working ridiculously hard, as I always am, when I cam across this little gem of an article from cnn.com. I would have prefered if they found a bunch of hipsters in a shallow mass-grave with gunshot wounds to the head, but hey this is pretty interesting to.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/21/coldwar.trove/index.html

Mmmmmmmm Missle Crisis crackers.

Today is St. Patrick’s day. As I’m writing this, there is a huge mass of Irish people gathering on 5th Avenue for the annual St. Patrick’s day parade. Half of them will throw up later. No wonder Ireland lost the war.

Anyway, I wanted to do a "compare and contrast" post between Halliburton and Halle Berry, but since it’s Friday, I’ll keep it real light on substance. Here goes!

Halliburton is a large company. Halle Berry was married to David Justice.

Halliburton was briefly run by Dick Cheney. Halle Berry was married to Eric Benet Ramsey.

Halliburton won numerous Government contracts to rebuild Iraq. Halle Berry was born in Cleveland.

I don’t know anything else about Halliburton. Halle Berry was Catwoman.

Conclusion: Halliburton < Halle Berry

"I carried my Oscar to bed with me. My first and only three-way happened that night."
-Halle Berry

1) "Go f*ck yourself." –to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton.

Dear Sirs,

It’s another one of those "thank God I’m literate" moments, as this is an official blog update from your boy man young adult ROX ONE.

I haven’t been up to much, just watching the World Baseball Classic and shooting this Chronikill video. As always, I’ve been using alcohol and marijuana in large quantities to make the intolerable seem merely mundane.

Here are some exciting links, and I’ll be talking some more shit at the end of the post. That said, don’t waste too much energy reading what other people wrote. They are the unlimited bread-sticks and salad bar and I am the entree in this, the Olive Garden of life.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8260059923762628848&q=%22loose+change%22 -some (really long) video which proves the Bush Administration planned 9/11 or whatever. At this point does it even matter? I mean, if you kill a dozen people, cheating on your wife kinda becomes irrelevant. < That’s a college level analogy right there thurr.

Also to consider, isn’t loose change what Jadakiss calls 50 Cent? Hmmmmmm.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060315/ap_on_re_mi_ea/saddam_trial_13;_ylt=AixyU6g.eJqoF54mAW.ICAFX6GMA;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

Saddam Hussein claims he’s still the President of Iraq. Saddam also claims he likes you for your mind and not just your body. At this point, wouldn’t it be a win-win situation to just let him have the country back? After all things were going pretty smoothly there three years ago (also known as before the war), whereas since we invaded them it’s like there is a war going on. Compare and contrast, I also say.

Also to consider: "I’m an alcoholic and that’s ROX’s flaw/ My liver looks like Baghdad after "Shock and Awe"/ -I’m just saying.

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/pagesix/63103.htm

Saddam Hussein Adriana Lima claims she is still a virgin. I claim: "I’d dry hump you all night, if that’s what you’re into." Penetration = so 90’s.

http://www.nola.com/news/t-p/neworleans/index.ssf?/base/news-5/1142406498194440.xml

Could New Orleans be back to half its original population in 2008? I have no real idea. I sure would like to enjoy a Hand Grenade while strolling down Decatur Street though.

http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=5460

Lil Kim’s reality show is the highest-rated debut in BET history. Too bad that I proved the Nielsen ratings were complete bullshit earlier in the week/month.

Also, I heard a rumor that one of Lil Kim’s breast implants was leaking in jail. Pass it on.

http://www.slate.com/id/2138032/?nav=tap3

Hasidic hipsters are making reggae. I didn’t read the article but I imagine this is happening in Brooklyn. Where the fuck is that nurse with my cianide tablets?

Okay, back to original link free content. So people here probably know how I’m anti-talking to strangers and pro-being left the fuck alone, but I had some interesting run-ins with strangers in the last few days that I feel would be good to share.

-I’m in my local deli trying to pick an ice cream flavor out that both of my parents like (I decided upon Cherry Vanilla) when this mid-30’s looking white guy walks past me and says "choice, choices, choices." I give him a look as if if to say "you have correctly assessed the situation, however I do not wish to talk to you." He shakes his head and tells me, in an overly bitter voice: "you should fucking move to Russia, only one choice for everything."

I neglected to inform him that choice is conditional upon options and when there is only one option, by definition there is no choice involved. Also, I heard Russia was cold and I don’t like Vodka or the Kremlin. Is that still whats popping in that neck of the woods? If my ignorance wasn’t so amusing, it would probably make me cry. No homo.

On Saturday night, while waiting for the V train to take me downtown (note: the V train DOES NOT run on the weekends), this homeless looking lady runs up on me, throws her bags down and says "watch these while I get my wheelchair." So I’m standing there "seeing something" and as always, there is no one to "say something" to as i was there waiting to blow up. Anyway, the woman returns with her wheelchair and I give her 75 cents (I sure hope God saw that) and as she is thanking me, her wheelchair comes within inches of falling off the platform in front of the oncoming E train (because we all know now that the F wasn’t running) before I grabbed it.

The moral of the story is, even if you are homeless, you shouldn’t mock people with disabilities by parading around with a wheelchair you don’t need.

The Weekend At A Glance:

-St. Patrick’s Day = Irish drinking.

-NCAA Tournament = Sports drinking.

-Sunday Afternoon = Problematic drinking.

I would also like to point out to my amazing and loyal readers that if you want me to update my blog, you can just send me a message saying "update your blog" and I’ll do it, usually within an hour or two if I’m at work.

Really!

Hey everyone! Isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Yup, it sure is. Isn’t that awesome? Yup, it sure is.

On the other hand, what is not awesome is the direction America is heading, at least according to lots of people who answered surveys on this very matter. I can only assume that these surveys were conducted in accordance with the prevailing ethical standards of the day, however I know if it was my job to compile these results, I would bounce for a few hours, drink a 40 and make some shit up. Either way, whether it be Iraq, Katrina, Cheney, the economy, homeland security, the ports deal, ethics scandals or just his inability to speak English, Americans as a whole do not approve of President Bush or the job he is doing.

You may remember some of us (ahem!) sounding the alarm in 2000 about how Bush was basically the worst and that nothing good would come of him being President. But some of you (apparently) voted for him anyway. Then 9/11 happened and America changed for the worse etc. etc. Yet some of you insisted upon voting for Bush again in the big one of 2004. I’m not saying that John Kerry would have been a good President, in fact I’m almost positive he wouldn’t have been, but at least he hadn’t already proved to be a bad president, like your boy Bush did during his first term. I mean, if the choices are shit and mud, you choose mud.

As the situation deteriorates in Iraq and the current administration continues to fuck up everything they gets their hand on, I can’t say that it makes me happy our country has fallen from glory so quickly, but I can’t help feeling a bit smug: I certainly did tell you so. But since these freaks in "middle America" were more worried about a bunch of gay men getting married than you were about the practical issues facing our country, this is the situation we have found ourselves in. And, since my proposal that only those people pay federal taxes was shot down by my congressman (I see you Eric Giola!), I wish there was some way I could weed out the snakes among us who voted for Bush so I could give them a piece of my mind. By which I mean harass them when I’m drunk.

Hence my "scarlet letter initiative."

Under my proposal, the man on the left (searching white man on Google images: priceless) could clearly be identified as having voted for Bush by the "scarlet" B on his chest and therefore I could run up on him with a litany of complaints, hit him with water balloons and generally make him feel insecure and uncomfortable. Because these are the same people (to borrow a phrase from the Republicans) who have "flip-flopped" on the issue of President Bush.

Wait, first you approved of him and now you disapprove of him? How very John Kerry of you.

Y’all sure "flip-flopped" on that issue, huh? It’s like you people finally looked at the "facts" (I can imagine "I Can See Clearly" playing in Arkansas) and got your heads out of your asses. How can I trust middle-Americans to do anything if they can’t even keep their own opinions straight?

I can’t.

So listen, if you voted for Bush, kindly draw a big red "B" on the front of every shirt, jacket, poncho and blazer you own.

If you need me, I’ll be in the corner with a 40, feeling maaaaaaad secure in my homeland.

REST IN PEACE!

The Oscar ratings were down 10% from last year, according to Neilsen, which is bullshit.

Because I’m a decent human being and also because I worked as a telemarketer for a few weeks when I was in high school, (once after taking 2 uppers that were really downers, to hilarious results, just like the Basketball Diaries) I’ll talk to those strangers who mispronounce my last name. I can sympathize with anyone cold-calling and as long as it is just a survey and not them asking me to buy something, I’ll happily oblige.

So, when I was in college and the Neilsen ratings people called me, I told them "sure, I’ll do your survey." I always assumed that the Neilsen ratings (which determine important things like advertising rates) were based on scientific satellites and complex algorithms. Nope, they are just self-report survey from drug addicts like me (who totally lied and said the only thing I watched was Law and Order, because I rep Law and Order like that) and totally unreliable.

So when I read this article, http://www.forbes.com/entrepreneurs/feeds/ap/2006/03/06/ap2573180.html I took it with a grain of salt.

Also, the Neilsen people mailed me five one dollar bills (stupidly, they did this BEFORE I completed the survey) along with the survey and suggested that I could use the money to "brighten the day of a child."

I used it to buy weed. Fuck a child (no pedophile).

You (not me, YOU) learn something new everyday.

In other news, I feel like I’m getting the flu. But at least its the good old-fashioned human flu.