The Americatown Bus - A Plan For Global Harmony
I’m not going to front: I’ve never been to China. I’ve never even been to Asia, to tell the truth. A while back when I was considering going there to teach kids and China was all "which date can you fly out?", I was too scared to go.
Not scared because of any huge cultural differences or even because I didn’t want to be alone, I just didn’t think I could deal with not knowing where/if I could cop tree on a daily basis. I mean, you can put me in Antarctica or Sudan or wherever, and I’ll be content as long as I have a book to read (in English), a pillow, weed and the promise of more weed. I’m mad simple like that. Or addicted, some would say.
Anyway, last Saturday at around 6:30am, while I was wandering towards the "Wawa" (which is named after the feeling/sound you get from doing a whippit and DOES NOT sell beer) in Philadelphia’s Chinatown, I had an Epiphany.
In between eating two "Wawa" brand hot-dogs (that had the look and feel of the more traditional Big Bite, served at 7-11, which is much better than "Wawa") and dealing with a man who tried to sell me the pink bicycle he was riding for six dollars American, and when I declined informed me he "had the haze" (that make two of us, buddy) I wondered if they had an Americantown in China.
Furthermore, what must it be like to take a trip on the Americatown bus from the Americatown in Beijing to the Americatown in Taipei or two places that are actually in China or whatever?
I would imagine it would be incredible. No, it would be better than that. It would be God-like.
I always had fond memories of Chinatown (although the lingering stench of fish always haunts me for hours after every visit. Would it be so wrong to just kill all the fish in the world and send them off to Jersey or whatever?) from accompanying my parents and their out-of-town guests there as a child to trying in vain to buy brass knuckles and a switchblade when I was a young teenager on Mott Street, Chinatown was always some new-next shit.
It makes you wonder why the Chinese government (or the Fallon-Gong, as I call them) would go to such great lengths to deprive their citizens of the wonder and amazement that can only come while immersed in a town whose country of origin is not your own. And that, my Chinese friends living in China, is what you would benefit from if there were an Americatown: amazement and wonder.
Why China, why?
Americantown: Handguns, Budweiser and McDonald’s. Obesity. Quarter-life crisis.
On the Americatown bus, the bathroom is always clean and new Chinese air-filtration technology makes smoking possible without ever disturbing the quality of air. You can drink as much alcohol as you’d like, and they have personal coolers underneath every seat. Truly, the Americatown bus is the Jet Blue of fictional city-to-city bus travel in China. (searching party bus on google images yields some pretty funny results.)
I promise, I WILL do a follow up on this. And maybe I’ll even go to China as a cultural missionary slash city planner and get a couple of new cities popping. However, I NEED INVESTORS. GET YOUR CAKE UP AND HOLLER AT ME, WE’LL SMOKE A BLUNT……THEN CHANGE THE WORLD.
Until then Alito, touch, rinse, repeat.
