Jesus Christ, Action Figure
Part two of a three part series about religion and how it effects us as a community.
I had an amazing post about Jesus and whatnot, but Friendster, which must be Muslim or Jewish, deleted it as I was on the verge of publishing. I joke, I joke. Obviously Friendster is an atheist.
Here is my best recollection of what I said before the untimely demise of my amazing textual analysis, with some things that I did not say.
Blah, blah, blah. I’ve had a personal relationship with Jesus for quite sometime now (no homo). We smoke L’s together.
Here are some images. I’m sorry, I was really killing it on this post, but my heart isn’t in it anymore.
Jesus and Elvis and Robert e. Lee. I said something about how after we (the northern elite) won the war (the civil one) we should have burned it (the south) down so that this (the picture) couldn’t be duplicated. I may have offered a half-hearted apology to those who may be southern, I can’t quite recall.
It’s your boy K-Fed (Kevin Federline)! Oh wait, no it’s Jesus dressed like LL Cool J, complete with LL Cool J jacket which Jesus must have stolen borrowed from him. I waxed philosophical about the dramatic turn hip-hop has taken from the Kangol and Adidas era to the modern age. I imagined Jesus wearing a condom a la TLC. I said something about Jesus wearing a G-unit chain and a bullet proof vest. I wondered if Jesus had slap-bracelets in the early 90S (even though slap bracelets weren’t really a hip-hop must have). It really wasn’t that funny and my previous post being deleted has brought this to light. It’s like when you make a stupid self-deprecating joke and no one hears you and you have to repeat something that you have now realized isn’t funny at all. So imagine standing (or sitting, if it tickles your fancy) in the middle of a room, with everyone (even Jesus) looking at you after you said something dumb and you’ll know how I feel now. Maybe you should take a couple of bong hits first to get the exact feeling.
These are Jesus and Moses action-figures. Some people may call them dolls, but after you’ve had as much action in your life as Jesus and Moses have you deserve to be treated with an appropriate level of respect, hence the term action-figure. I speculated that, at first glance, the action-figures looked harmless. But that’s what they said about Hitler too. Imagine some perverted old man sitting around, undressing the Moses and Jesus action-figures (dolls is a lot more economic to write, for future reference) in the Barbie Mansion before a little 3-some action with the Missus of the house, all of which is broadcast over a web-cam at www.Christians.com . Yeah, real fucking harmless.
Hey look its a fat, ugly man lying down in a nativity scene. I know that a lot of nativity scenes are vandalized every year during the Christmas season. No doubt if they were left out all year round, they would be vandalized during baseball season, hunting season and all the other great seasons. And as a vandal, I never ever targeted any religious building or anything like that. And by the way, fat ugly man, what you are doing is tantamount to vandalism.
This is another action-figure with Jesus, a cross and nails. This is one of the more insane things I’ve seen in a minute. I can imagine a bunch of impressionable youths (remember that scene from My Cousin Vinny with the Judge?) waking up on Christmas morning (or Jesus’s birthday as I call it) and unwrapping this package and thinking it may be a G.I. Joe or whatever it is kids play with these days, only to find out that crazy Aunt Sally actually thought that they would like this. I can also imagine the parents, eager to not upset Aunt Sally, telling the impressionable youth "play with it, put the nails in." What a freakshow!
Jesus loves your ass, eh? And on that note Alito, I’ll be back for part three of three in my "religion is the bane of our collective existence" series at a later date. Until then, you can say this little prayer I wrote post-Katrina to make me feel more upbeat about the horrors or the world: "We’re drinking coffee with Kofi Annan/ Where have the Mardi Gras Indians gone…..of the tiger!/"
