fun facts about the world

I don’t usually fuck with game shows, but there are exceptions to every rule (except the rule about not sleeping with your half-sister). Enter Howie Madel, host of Deal or No Deal (on all week at 8pm EST on NBC), which is basically that crack programming that I’ve been waiting for since football ended. They say it’s only on for the rest of the week, but I’m betting if I go to the studio and beg, they’ll let me watch some more.

On a side note, I know Howie Mandel was a comedian back in the day, but I mainly remember him from that annoying Saturday Morning cartoon Bobby’s World. The show wasn’t good, even by cartoon standards. However, my main issue with it was the ugly characters, which is also the reason I don’t fuck with The Family Guy. I see ugly people all day in the real world, I don’t need to come home and watch them on TV, cartoon or otherwise, thank you very much.

Back to the matter at hand. The premise of Deal or no Deal, assuming you haven’t seen it, is pretty simple. Howie "Wowie" Mandel picks someone out of the audience to be the contestant. I can’t imagine that these people are chosen at random, because they always happens to be traveling with their support group of friends and family who advise them. Then we meet see the models (I love them. Shut up, I love them.) who are each holding a suitcase which contains a random dollar amount from a penny to a million dollars.

The contestant then selects a numbered suitcase from 1 to 25, but maybe only 1 to 22. This is their suitcase for the whole game. The contestant then picks suitcases by number, which the models open to reveal dollar amounts. The lower the dollar amount, the better it is for the contestant, as that increases their chance at having one million dollars in their suitcase.

I hope that my explanation has given you a semblance of the rules, but in the interest of time (I have an online Fantasy Baseball draft in about 30 minutes: my life is hectic!) I’m not going to keep explaining the rules. Here is a link to the rules as they are in England http://www.channel4.com/4money/ontv/deal_or_no_deal/rules.html .

England? Yeah, England. Did I fail to mention that this game was a GLOBAL PHENOMENON? My little younger brother was telling me that he saw it when he was in Australia and that it was the shit. He was actually right for once!

Anyway, this post was actually supposed to be in response to the contestant last night, who was some late 20’s or early 30’s white guy who was a member of the Las Vegas S.W.A.T. team. I couldn’t believe that they actually had a pig on the show! I mean, is there anyone left in this entire country with any love for the fucking police? It became apparent to me that we (the people) were supposed to be rooting against dude.

And it was pretty easy. I mean, he had the most ridiculously high-pitched squeal that he emitted whenever anything went his way. Advise for the general public, if you are going to be in a situation where you could potentially win lots of money, lets practice our celebrations first, okay?

Anyway, I’m off to create a dynasty. Watch Deal or no Deal and we’ll talk about it later in the week, OK?

As I was hard at work today, reading Page 6 online, I saw a picture of this cracked out looking dude in a hat and I was wondering "who is dude?"

But it was just Whitney Houston.

Damn Ma, crack really ruined your appearance, huh? In the future, have some self-respect and close your mouth. Nothing says "drugs ruined my thought process" like walking around with your mouth wide-open.

The "story" about how her voice (once good) is now bad, is sad because I used to be a big fan of her signing. In the 90’s all I did was walk around singing  "I Will Always Love You" (no homo). I do however like how, in typical diva fashion, she blames the cold weather for her voice sounding shitty. Who could have ever imagined that the it would be cold at the Winter Olympics?

For future reference, it is more admirable to be an accountable crackhead than an unaccountable diva. But being an unaccountable crackhead diva? That’s on a whole ‘nother level.

Page Six also touched upon Busta Rhymes being a snitch (STOP SNITCHING!) Lindsay Lohan being a slut (they said "maneater" but they meant "slut", some Transsexual who is getting a reality show, Mariano Rivera opening a steakhouse in "New Rochelle" and the death of Harold Hunter (RIP).

Page Six clearly hasn’t lost it’s singing voice.

PEOPLE are still talking about how bad Whitney Houston was performing at the Olympics in Turin. "Nowhere close to a gold-medal performance, nor even a bronze contender," a witness told Canadian columnist Shinan Govani. Houston coughed, sniffled and talked her way through one song and told the crowd: "Why did they choose to do this outdoors? I don’t sing in the cold. It makes my voice funny." Her last number, "I Will Always Love You," quickly became "her all-time low moment," the witness reports. Unable to reach the high notes, "Whitney smiled, waved and winked to the fans. Karaoke drag queens can belt it out better."

I don’t know if anyone has ever seen or heard about this before, but I read the following interview with Noreaga in Life Sucks Die Magazine at my man Bala’s crib in Brooklyn a while back and have been trying to find it online for the longest time (even though it only actually took like 3 minutes today) to share with my audience. If you have lots of time on your hands and you like reading about hip-hop, check out http://stylesbythegram.blogspot.com/  which is where I borrowed the text from this interview.

The text is long, but well worth it. This is the best interview I’ve ever read and I read a lot of stupid interviews with rappers. I bolded some personal favorite lines.

——————————————————————————

INTERVIEW

LSD- So question number one that inquiring minds want to know: what’s the real score with rappers and rap video girls?

NOREAGA- Actually it’s just a front, man. I’ll tell you the truth, I ain’t never touched a video girl. I don’t really prefer video girls and bougie girls, I like the dirty hoodrat bitches with hookworm, ringworms. [uproarious laughter] I like a dirty bitch, sometimes I like a fat bitch, you know, it’s nothing for me to get a big, fat girl, so you know. [laughter] A lot of times I don’t like fucking with dancers, because a lot of times they’re trying to get as far as you get. I don’t like bougie bitches, I like ghetto…I like bitches with no morals. If a bitch has morals, than she’s not for me.

LSD- Who is banging the most chicks in rap right now?

N- I don’t really care. I don’t know.

LSD- So you’re not up on rap industry gossip?

N- No, no.

LSD- All right. For those that are unclear, do you want to break down your name, Melvyn Flynt?

N- I chose the name Melvyn Flynt, I chose it to be different, because at the time, everybody was biting my shit. Whether it was saying “What What” or saying “The jumpoff jumped off”, a lot of people was biting my slang. So my first step towards changing was to call myself Melvyn Flynt. The name Melvyn comes from a movie called ‘As Good As It Gets’, which was starred by Jack Nicholson. He’s a real rude guy. You might not even like him if you watch the movie. And it’s somewhat of a person that I turned into after rap. So I chose that name, and the Flynt is the freak that I turned into after rap.

LSD- Why did rap turn you into a freak?

N- ‘Cause I like head. [laughter] I didn’t really realize how much I like getting head untilI started getting head.

LSD- In the whip?

N- In the whip, in the hotel, in the elevator, while performing, all types of stuff.

LSD- How much fun is your life right now?

N- My life is very much a lot of fun. But it’s as well being sad, ‘cause I got a lot of niggas that’s not here to share this with me. A lot of peoples like Hit Hard Todd, T Bone. Brothers that are locked up like Deuce-Deuce and Baby D. So now, we live our life for them. Even if it’s a fucked up situation, we might have fun, just on the strength of them. That’s what keeps us going.

LSD- So there’s joy, but it’s a balance.

N- It’s a balance, yeah.

LSD- Are there things from your wilder days that you can apply to the rap game now?

N- Well, damn near everything, but… A lot people try to say that rap is the same as the crack game. It’s not. Anybody that says rap is like crack has never sold crack. Because in the crack game, I give you a package. I tell you, “Out of this $100 package, you give me $60 and keep $40.” If you don’t give me my $60, I’m gonna fuck you up. I’m gonna bruise you and scar you for life. In the rap game, I tell you, “This is a $100,000 here. You bring me 60 out of that 100 grand and keep 40.” If you don’t bring that shit backand I fuck you up, you sue me! You’re gonna go the full length, take trial, swear on the Bible–it’s nothing like the crack game!

LSD- So as far as things like Puffy and Jay-Z going on trial and things like that, is that the streets carrying over to rap or is it different, because those are music industry people?

N- I’ll say this: In order to be safe in New York, to be able to go out somewhat, you gotta be a little thugged out. And that’s all I can really say.

LSD- And how does one become thugged out? Can somebody go pick up a Noreaga CD and become thugged out?

N- You see that every day as far as regular rappers, that was talking about “Get Jiggy With It” and all this jiggy shit, and then they turn around in two weeks and they gangsta! It happens. One thing you can say about Noreaga and Capone and Noreaga, is that no matter how many albums we do, it’s always been ghetto. It’s always been gangsta. I never crossed over. Fuck it, I got bitches that like me! I had to make records like “Superthug” and “Oh No” so bitches will remain liking me. But I ain’t gonna give a fuck! I ain’t get head before rap. Now, I got the eternity and the ability to be like, “Bitch, if you’re not gonna fuck me, if you’re not gonna suck my dick, then get the fuck outta my room.” And then the bitch can say, “I’m gonna suck your dick” or she can say, “I’m gonna get the fuck out of your room.”

LSD- Now some might take that as an anti-woman attitude.

N- I’m not anti-woman. I love women. Women know I love them, and they love me too. I’m pro-fucking dick suck. I love women, but if you’re not giving head–

LSD- Out.

N- Get out. It’s beautiful!

LSD- And you prefer a woman with hookworm, is that correct?

N- Uh, ringworm. [laughter]

LSD- Do you think that your record label would ever pressure you into being less thugged out?

N- My record label has no say-so over whatever I do. They have no creative control over my shit. I got the type of record label that’s some rich white guys, and they say, “Do whatever the hell you fucking want.” If I continue to bring in the money, they don’t care, they want me to be an asshole. They want me to be the dude that’s gonna be in the paper for smoking weed. I smoke a little joint and the police come up and knock me and say that I’m in the drug scene. It’s nothing. They love me. But they won’t tell me they love me. But they love me because I bring on the motherfuckin’ bacon and the beef. And the whole cow.

LSD- You bring in the beefsticks.

N- That’s right.

LSD- Do you feel like talking about beef?

N- With who? Tragedy?

LSD- Yeah.

N- Of course.

LSD- Is it squashed or is it still going on?

N- I don’t know. But I know I tried to kill him, so…

LSD- Really.

N- Basically, he jerked me, basically to get right to the point and cut no corners. Basically, he jerked me. Basically, he jerked his self.

LSD- He jerked you for…

N- He jerked me for nothing.

LSD- But what did he have to gain?

N- He was a jerk. [laughter] It’s like you all get together, right? And you say, “You know what? I’m going to do this interview and I’m going to get the credit for it. I’m gonna say I asked all the questions. And he don’t know about it. So when he throw the interview out, you get no money for it. You get the credit, but you get no fucking money, you get no progress. And he’s saying, “Damn motherfucker, I helped you out, too!” And you’re saying, well, you get the next one. And then he goes, “You know what? I’m gonna leave you, man. I’m gonna do my own fuckin crazy-ass magazine and ask people how to eat pussy and suck dick and fucking fuck bitches in they asshole and fucking act like American Me.” And then you tell him, “Well fucking go do your thing. If you think you can do better than me, than go do better than me.” And then his ass blows up, there’s no reason for you to be mad. That’s basically how, you know…

LSD- Is beef fun for you or upsetting for you?

N- Let me tell you, it wasn’t fun for me with that beef, because I still had love for him, you know? [Pauses] But we went to Miami at the Impact convention with 80 dudes. And he stayed in his room the whole weekend. He’s a pussy. He didn’t go to his own shows. Everybody that had a Tragedy or Khadafi shirt on or a 25 To Life shirt on, we fucked them up. Any poster we tore down. And that was basically it. He stayed in his room the whole weekend and he went home on the Amtrak. [laughter] Instead of flying or taking the bus like a real dude will.

LSD- Okay, moving on…Describe the average day in the life of Noreaga.

N- Well , I like full steezies. Do you know what full steezies is?

LSD- You might have to explain that.

N- A full steezie is a bitch that will suck your dick in front of your peoples. She doesn’t really care, she’ll suck your dick in front of everybody. She’ll suck all your niggas dicks…that’s basically my everyday plan. I find a new full steezie…I’m being honest with you, ‘cause I know this ain’t getting to New York, so…You know, I piss on bitches. [laughter] It’s nothing. I love full steezies. And even I like the full steezies that won’t suck everyone else’s dick, but they’ll suck your dick in front of your man. I like those too. I’m very uncivilized. Then you got the ones that’ll suck your dick behind closed doors, all day every day. Those are cool, too. It’s all full steezies, but there’s different ways of being full steezie. That’s my everyday life. I discover a new full steezie everyother day. And I like to smoke a lot of marijuana. You got marijuana?

LSD- Not on me.

N- How the fuck you ain’t have no marijuana?

LSD- We’re bad journalists. Sorry. Now, how important is smoking weed to the creative process?

N- Well, I’ma tell you the truth. It’s not that important to me because I don’t want to depend on marijuana. I don’t want to say if I want to write a rhyme I have to have marijuana. I don’t want to say that. But if I have to write a rhyme, I have to have marijuana. [laughter] We’re being honest here.

LSD- Since we are being honest, I want to tell you that this might get to New York.

SIX- Oh shit! Cancel that!

N- It’s nothing. My girl doesn’t read these magazines.

LSD- If you took the marijuana away, would you still be the same Nore?

N- Yeah ‘cause I would just get drunk more. And I believe I’m very intelligent. And I believe I’m so wise, that I’ve never been drunk or never been high before in my life. I believe that my mind controls my high and my mind controls my drunkness. So in a second, I can turn sober if it’s a real situation.

LSD- Where do you see your music going right now, creatively?

N- It’s gonna go to ecstasy.

LSD- Ecstasy?

N- Have you ever took a ecstasy?

LSD- Uh, no.

N- It’s gonna go to ecstasy. You gotta take a ecstasy and then you’ll know.

LSD- So you’re gonna start making techno music.

N- Yeah. I’m gonna make Jimi Hendrix.

LSD- So if you were to compare your style to any rock and roll artist, would it be JimiHendrix?

N- Limp Bizkit.

LSD- [Dismayed] Oh, no. Don’t say that.

N- I like Limp Bizkit. They agreed to do something with us and I don’t know if I’m gonna take ‘em up on the offer, but I would like to.

LSD- What if you got your own rock and roll-

N- Nah, fuck that shit. As of right now,Thugged Out Entertainment has no rock and roll, no jazz, no R&B because I don’t know the first thing to do with that shit. And I wouldn’t take a person’s career in my hands and have it on pause…I wouldn’t take a Muslim group, I wouldn’t take a gospel group because I don’t know the first thing to do with that. I’m too uncivilized, I’m a savage. I will fucking fuck a bitch in the asshole. It’s nothing!

S- We the real thugs. All the other niggas is rapping about thugs, everybody want to be a thug–they fake thugs! We’ll take drama with anybody!

N- We like beef. With anybody. And we banned from every club in New York City. Thugged Out Murder Unit. Ask about us. The Tunnel? Forget about it. The Tunnel is supposed to be the wildest club in America. How they don’t let me in the Tunnel? That’s like saying you gotta go to jail, but you can’t be let to Riker’s Island, you gotta go straight up north. C’mon man. If you got a Thugged Out T-Shirt on, a Thugged Out scarf on, and you’re in the Tunnel by yourself, I feel sorry for you. Because we beat up every security guard in there. [Emphatically] Yes! We beat up every security guard in there.

S- And stabbed a few.

N- And stabbed a few! We the only rappers not allowed in the Tunnel.

LSD- That’s prestigious.

N- Yes. And we’ll do it again if they let us back in.

LSD- Not to change the subject entirely, but can you explain “Light a candle, run laps around the English Channel, Neptunes’ got a cocker spaniel”?

N- Well, when you light a candle, that’s saluting your dead peoples. Light a Candle. And then, what’s the English Channel? It’s a big pool of water and it’s overseas. So I’m trying to say that when I light a candle I’m that strong that I can run laps around the English Channel. And Neptunes [producers featured prominently on Noreaga’s two solo albums] have a cocker spaniel. ‘Cause they homo.
[Pause]

LSD- Oh. All right.

N- Neptunes is homo. You won’t hear another Neptunes track again on Noreaga again in your life. I didn’t know that they hand was broken. [makes limp-wristed gesture]

LSD- Is this a recent discovery?

N- It’s a recent discovery after the “Oh No” video. After money had the tight choker on in that video. And we started asking questions, and people from Virginia started telling us that he’s a straight Flagrino. And he takes it up the ass. I cut him off.

LSD- Even though the beats–

N- Fuck the beats! [laughter] I can’t fuck with nobody that Mohammed used to throw off the hill. You know, Mohammed used to take all the homo niggas in the village, and he’d take ‘em to the top of the hill and he tricked them. He’d tell ‘em ‘Yo, jump down there’, and when they’d jump down there, they killed they self. We don’t fuck with homo. I like lesbians though. I’ma stand up–I like lesbians and dykes. If you’re lesbian and dyke you’re okay to me, but if you’re a homo, I don’t even like you.

LSD- So you’re pretty clear about that.

N- I’m clear about that. Y’all ain’t homo are you? [laughter]

LSD- No, no. We’re familiar with your music. I don’t think we’d be here.

N- That’s good. I don’t want to offend anybody. [laughs]

LSD- Do you want to–

N- I wanna say something to the bitch, the bitch that was on the radio talking about I came up late. I didn’t come late you fucking stink pussy bitch! I came late because I wanted to come late, you stink pussy bitch. AND, you stink pussy bitch…and she’s burning.

LSD- Is there anyone else you want to call out?

N- Yeah, Tragedy’s burning, too.

EVERYONE- Oooooohhhh…..

N- In the mouth. [laughter] He gives head to syphilis.

LSD- How did he go from “Arrest the President” to “T.O.N.Y.”–

N- Because I gave him the name Khadafi, that’s why. And he’s a faggot. And he’s gay. And he smokes crack.

S- And he’s old as fuck!

N- He’s 37.

LSD- Oooohhhhh…

N- It’s over. Sometimes you need to stand up and be a man and say it’s over.

LSD- Okay. So what’s the next slang to come out from Noreaga?

N- We call each other “Slime.” We don’t call each other “son”, we call each other “Slime.” That’s what each and every one of our individual is. A person that don’t buy weed but wanna smoke weed. A person that don’t buy cigarettes, but wanna smoke cigarettes. A person that don’t buy no liquor, but wanna drink all motherfucking day. That’s each and every one of our peoples. So we call each other “Slime.” And we’re “Off the Yelzebub.”

LSD- What?

N- We don’t say off the hook, we say “off the yelzebub.” Like BUCK WILD! Off the yelzebub. Like jumping in the crowd like I do. I’m ghetto. I’ll jump in the crowd and suck a bitches titties and make her suck my dick after. It’s nothing. And that’s another thing we say. It’s nothing. It’s nothing.

LSD- It’s nothing.

N- It’s nothing.

LSD- Okay, I’m gonna give a quick round of short-answer questions. It’s nothing.

N- It’s nothing.

LSD- Best rap album of all-time?

N- Akinyele. Vagina Diner.

LSD- Best rap song of all-time?

N- Mussolini and Maze, “We Can’t Call It.”

LSD- Girl you would most like to see naked that you never have?

N- [Emphatically] What’s the bitch? I’ma tell you right now…She can sit on my face, too. It’s nothing. Uh, what’s her name, she’s in Enemy of the State…Will Smith’sgirlfriend…from 227…

S- Regina King!

N- Regina King! Regina King, I’ll suck your pussy dry. It’s nothing. It’s nothing for me to eat her out. It’s nothing. I don’t know, it’s something about Regina King. I love her. She’s ghetto. I love her. Okay, next question.

LSD- First thing you ever stole?

N- I don’t steal.

LSD- Ever?

N- I don’t steal. All black people don’t steal, that’s a racist question. [laughs] Aight, aight, I’m fucking with you, I’m fucking with you…

LSD- Best rock and roll group ever?

N- Best rock and roll group ever? Guns and Roses.

LSD- Ultimate wack hairdo?

S- Patti LaBelle helmet!

N- Nah, nah. Kid and Play.

LSD- Kid or Play?

N- Both. [laughter] It’s nothing for me to dis them.

LSD- Best physical characteristic on a woman?

N- I like ass and tits. I can’t pick one. I like the mouth, too. Mouth is important. As long as it gets wet. It needs to be moist.

LSD- Optimist or pessimist?

N- [Pauses] Thugginest.

LSD- Thing that scares you the most?

N- Bitch with a bump on her tongue. [laughter]

LSD- Capone versus Noreaga in one-on-one hoops, who wins?

N- It’s nothing to say I could stand up and say I could bust Capone’s ass ‘cause Capone’s left hand is messed up and he lost the game in L.A. at the Source Awards.

LSD- Who smokes who under the table?

N- It’s nothing to say I’ll smoke anybody under the table. It’s nothing to say the only person that smokes more weed than me is Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg is the only motherfucker alive that smokes more weed than me. And I don’t mean he smokes a little bit more weed–he smokes a gang a lot of more weed than me! [laughs] I probably could smoke a half ounce a day, he could probably smoke a half a pound a day.

LSD- Oosh.

N- With him and four people. I’ma have to stand up and tell the truth. I’ma have to stand up and say that when I hung out with Snoop Dogg, I had to stop smoking. And I never had to do that in my life. It’s nothing to say you can keep asking questions. I’m hyped.

LSD- So Noreaga before was a young man. Noreaga now is a savage. A wild animal.

N- Yeah, yeah, keep going…

LSD- How do you go from point A to point B, to where you’re at now, mentally?

The other night (Sunday) I went bowling with a bunch of people at the Port Authority. I have a story to share regarding that experience, but first some background information on the Port Authority (which as best as I can tell isn’t controlled by the UAE yet). Pictured to the left, the Port Authority doesn’t usually have those 3 ugly kids singing. Lets hope they were put to sleep shortly thereafter. In the veterinarian sense of the word.

HISTORY

Port Authority is on West 42nd street between 8th and 9th avenues and has been there as long as I can remember. It’s made out of bricks and shit, from what I can tell. It is waaaaaay too heavy to lift.

There was a period in the past (we’ll say the mid-70’s through the mid-90’s) when the Port Authority was a disgusting and dangerous place filled with enough homeless people to make FEMA take action salivate.

As New York City began undergoing sex-change surgery while Jewlee was in office, the entire city became more and more feminine. As such, Port Authority came to be viewed as some national example of how to clean up a public place; a shining vagina of sorts.

I know this because while I was becoming a Bachelor of Arts at Tulane, my professors would assign these articles, which had ridiculous titles (and arguments to match) like "Port Authority: Where Jesus Goes On Vacation" and "The South Bronx Is Made Out Of Rainbows."

I tried in vain to be a voice of reason in these classes, but my attendance was spotty at best and my love affair with reading (no homo) never did extend to books assigned for class. I remember once, while taking a class called "Investigating The Urban Neighborhood," which could have been called "Lies About New York City" I upset a few of my (southern) female classmates by describing a mans sexual philosophy as "hit it and bounce."

In retrospect I should have said "get head and bounce." Zing!

Anyway, my comments about the state of my city would always be overlooked by the teacher because they were a) anecdotal and b) coming from someone who was clearly high and c) rambling and tangential, even by my standards.

Actually, I don’t even think "Investigating The Urban Neighborhood" was a sociology class, but they did make me and Cyph go to "Diversity Training" where we were asked to leave for drinking (and being drunk) and openly mocking the process, which was clearly intended for children with developmental disabilities and not college students. Pictured to the left (get yo’ click on) is a small sample of their unrestrained idiocy. "Diversity Training" was one of those moments where you really expected the hidden cameras to come out and someone to say "just kidding, here is your tuition money back"

Anyway, after that long and detailed "case study" of me and the Port Authority, I will offer some  anecdotal evidence about the P-Auth (its rapper name) to refute an argument made in an article I didn’t read four or so years ago about how the Port Authority was Americas answer to Buckingham Palace or whatever.

SUMMARY

So, as you probably recall, I’m in the P-Auth on Sunday night getting my drink on with Cyph and a couple of other homies, waiting to start bowling. The bar by the bowling alley, for reasons unknown, didn’t have a bathroom (they were also out of all draft beers. Seems to me that they could have killed two birds with one stone and allowed people to piss into draft beer cups and then served the urine to unwitting patrons). Therefore it was necessary to venture out into the public bathroom in the larger P-Auth, which I knew from the start was a bad idea.

As I walk in to the bathroom, I’m greeted by a wide-eyed man who is watching the urinals (and the men urinating in them) with great interest. "Hey guy" the crazy-looking man says to me. Obviously I ignore him. "Hey guy, hows it going?" he offers again, to no avail. At this point I’m just praying he doesn’t touch me while I’m still pissing, as it is rather hard to defend yourself while in the process of using the bathroom. As I curse myself for having already drank about 10 beers and realize that there is no end in sight to my urination, I hear a series of knocks on one of the stall doors. "what do you want?" a woman’s voice asks the wide-eyed man from a stall in the (mens) bathroom.

The wide-eyed man, who has never seen Kindergarten Cop and is seemingly unaware that "boys have penises and girls have vaginas" responds "I want some dick." The woman, who I guess must have been some sort of prostitute or perhaps even a fancy combination prostitute/drug dealer tells the man "I don’t have any of that."  The man, undeterred says "can I come in?" to which the woman, again asks: "what do you want?" And the man answers, "I want to come in, can I come in later?" And the woman, obviously broken down by his top level debate game, responds "yes, you can come by later. I know you. See you later." I completed my business as fast as I could and got the hell out of that bathroom.

CONCLUSION

As always, I was right all along.

The Port Authority isn’t the nicest place in the world, and removing all the peep-shows from the surrounding area and executing most of the homeless people didn’t change that FUN FACT.

So there!

Hey "everyone", it’s yer boy James Anthony Rox One IV here to drop some of my trademark intelligent knowledge.

In 2006 it is unlikely anyone needs an excuse to drink, what with the whole "awful direction the world is taking" and your resulting alcoholism. But if you do need an excuse to drink, one would assume the whole "I’m single on Valentines day" lament would more than suffice, you being the self-absorbed crybaby you are.

Since red is the color of Valentines day, or whatever, I figured that the whole "drinking away my perceived sorrows" cocktail should be black. After all, red is the new black.

So, here it is:

THE BLACK EIGHT-BALL

Ingredients:

1- 40 oz. Olde English Malt Liquor

1-12 oz. Guinness EXTRA Stout (you need the EXTRA stout)

1- mouth

1-stomach

—————————————————————————————–

Step 1- Drink about 1/3 - 2/5 of the Olde E 40, until the beer is below the top of the label.

Step 2- SLOWLY pour the 12 oz Guinness EXTRA stout into the Olde E bottle. I said SLOWLY!

Step 3- Watch as the head on your now heterogeneous mixture (science class, I SEE YOU!) evaporates. If you have any beer left in the Guinness, pour that in now.

Step 4- Drink!

Step 5- Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. If you are going to get all emo on Valentines day, how will you ever deal with Judgment Day??

Today is Valentines day.

It snowed and Cheney shot dude.

Oh, word, and the Olympics..

That’s you, all caught up with the world.

MySpace, which is like Friendster, has a similar bulletin board to the one on Friendster, where people can post things like "looking for a roommate" or "has anyone ever been to Prague" in hopes that one of the people they are friends with will reply to them. If you ever get annoyed at the constant stream of self-promotional nonsense that I subject everyone too, imagine how much worse it could be.

Here are is an actual posting from someone on my myspace bulletin board, with my comments in green.

today was SINGLE handedly the WORSE day of my life, ina wile  Worst.

:(  your makes me

k so i woke up this morning like sad     like is a conversational crutch, not a written one.
idk why.. i think bc of my whole guy 
situation… i hate them all there it is      
plane and simple.                                    plane? well, you got simple right.

so then i wake up shower..                       ahh the joys of punctuation!
not only did i fall asleep in the shower until 6:30   
mind you i had to still blowdry my hair 
and get dressed
and do homework    clearly you didn’t get anything correct.
and call jess to see if we were walking or w.e
and catch my bus at 7 

THENN my FAVORITE pants that were like made with a rip in them  whoa, stop yelling!
became TOTALY ruined.,.. the hole got like HUGE from my
dryer, thats what I get for doing my own laundry yeah laundry can be hard for retarded people

school was a half day ahhh, the good old "sent the special ed kids home early" half-day

SO MUCH FOR THAT         
my bus came over an hour and a half late your bus? what an idyllic little world you live in.

i didnt get home till like quater to 2 woe is you!
FUCKING REDICULOUSE    ya too much homegirl, its killing me!
then we had a fucking coked
out bus driver who WE had to direct to
our houses! wat everrrr! yeah, imagine taking a bus that just follows a route and doesn’t even care where you live.

i wanna fucking punch someone me too!
and i have a GOOD idea to who!

i almost killed about three ppl today ONE what stopped you?
of which is one of my best friends but i have
NO TOLLERANCE for fucking douch bags today :(!  4eva!

and idk i wanna talk to like one person and rite now i cant bc im a stupid bitch and i mess evrythign itry to keep ha, this dumb ho called herself a stupid bitch! what a stupid bitch!

rsfk bngrkjrbntv!
thanks

if you read all that, i love you awwww, ur cute!

http://www.slate.com/id/2135661/?nav=tap3 -On the issue of Muhammed and cartoons and whatnot. It’s a very informative article. Once more, if my illustration of Muhammed offended anyone, I apologize. It has been brought to my attention by a number of readers that it is not my place to decide what is offensive and what isn’t. Personally, I like to think of "the envelope" as a push-pop, and occasionally I err. It’s important to remember that, while I may appear God-like, I’m only human.

http://www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/ -The site which sells the Jesus action-figure (the one on the cross with nails) which I mentioned in my post yesterday. There is a slew on nutso shit for sale on the site and Valentines Day is right around the corner!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060208/ap_on_sp_ot/sumo_female_ban -Equal rights fans claim "ain’t nothing sexier than two 400-pound women wrestling in thongs."

http://www.nypost.com/ - A 76 page magazine of Page Six, is free today with the New York Post. Buy two!

http://www.nola.com/crime/t-p/index.ssf?/base/news-5/1139470393244560.xml -And you thought that the looters were never going to be arrested!

http://graffmuseum.com/?p=109 - MTA announces that the 7 train won’t be running between Manhattan and Queens this weekend. And that Peter Vallone is an art Nazi. Yup!

http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=5343 - Human crack in the flesh (aka Juelz Santana, whose real name is LaRon James) is coming out with a clothing line. Earlier in the year, he opened a "soda shop" in Harlem. All true.

Part two of a three part series about religion and how it effects us as a community.

I had an amazing post about Jesus and whatnot, but Friendster, which must be Muslim or Jewish, deleted it as I was on the verge of publishing. I joke, I joke. Obviously Friendster is an atheist.

Here is my best recollection of what I said before the untimely demise of my amazing textual analysis, with some things that I did not say.

Blah, blah, blah. I’ve had a personal relationship with Jesus for quite sometime now (no homo). We smoke L’s together.

Here are some images. I’m sorry, I was really killing it on this post, but my heart isn’t in it anymore.

Jesus and Elvis and Robert e. Lee. I said something about how after we (the northern elite) won the war (the civil one) we should have burned it (the south) down so that this (the picture) couldn’t be duplicated. I may have offered a half-hearted apology to those who may be southern, I can’t quite recall.

It’s your boy K-Fed (Kevin Federline)! Oh wait, no it’s Jesus dressed like LL Cool J, complete with LL Cool J jacket which Jesus must have stolen borrowed from him. I waxed philosophical about the dramatic turn hip-hop has taken from the Kangol and Adidas era to the modern age. I imagined Jesus wearing a condom a la TLC. I said something about Jesus wearing a G-unit chain and a bullet proof vest. I wondered if Jesus had slap-bracelets in the early 90S (even though slap bracelets weren’t really a hip-hop must have). It really wasn’t that funny and my previous post being deleted has brought this to light. It’s like when you make a stupid self-deprecating joke and no one hears you and you have to repeat something that you have now realized isn’t funny at all. So imagine standing (or sitting, if it tickles your fancy) in the middle of a room, with everyone (even Jesus) looking at you after you said something dumb and you’ll know how I feel now. Maybe you should take a couple of bong hits first to get the exact feeling.

These are Jesus and Moses action-figures. Some people may call them dolls, but after you’ve had as much action in your life as Jesus and Moses have you deserve to be treated with an appropriate level of respect, hence the term action-figure. I speculated that, at first glance, the action-figures looked harmless. But that’s what they said about Hitler too. Imagine some perverted old man sitting around, undressing the Moses and Jesus action-figures (dolls is a lot more economic to write, for future reference) in the Barbie Mansion before a little 3-some action with the Missus of the house, all of which is broadcast over a web-cam at www.Christians.com . Yeah, real fucking harmless.

Hey look its a fat, ugly man lying down in a nativity scene. I know that a lot of nativity scenes are vandalized every year during the Christmas season. No doubt if they were left out all year round, they would be vandalized during baseball season, hunting season and all the other great seasons. And as a vandal, I never ever targeted any religious building or anything like that. And by the way, fat ugly man, what you are doing is tantamount to vandalism.

This is another action-figure with Jesus, a cross and nails. This is one of the more insane things I’ve seen in a minute. I can imagine a bunch of impressionable youths (remember that scene from My Cousin Vinny with the Judge?) waking up on Christmas morning (or Jesus’s birthday as I call it) and unwrapping this package and thinking it may be a G.I. Joe or whatever it is kids play with these days, only to find out that crazy Aunt Sally actually thought that they would like this. I can also imagine the parents, eager to not upset Aunt Sally, telling the impressionable youth "play with it, put the nails in." What a freakshow!

Jesus loves your ass, eh? And on that note Alito, I’ll be back for part three of three in my "religion is the bane of our collective existence" series at a later date. Until then, you can say this little prayer I wrote post-Katrina to make me feel more upbeat about the horrors or the world: "We’re drinking coffee with Kofi Annan/ Where have the Mardi Gras Indians gone…..of the tiger!/"

I’m not going to front: I’ve never been to China. I’ve never even been to Asia, to tell the truth. A while back when I was considering going there to teach kids and China was all "which date can you fly out?", I was too scared to go.

Not scared because of any huge cultural differences or even because I didn’t want to be alone, I just didn’t think I could deal with not knowing where/if I could cop tree on a daily basis. I mean, you can put me in Antarctica or Sudan or wherever, and I’ll be content as long as I have a book to read (in English), a pillow, weed and the promise of more weed. I’m mad simple like that. Or addicted, some would say.

Anyway, last Saturday at around 6:30am, while I was wandering towards the "Wawa" (which is named after the feeling/sound you get from doing a whippit and DOES NOT sell beer) in Philadelphia’s Chinatown, I had an Epiphany.

In between eating two "Wawa" brand hot-dogs (that had the look and feel of the more traditional Big Bite, served at 7-11, which is much better than "Wawa") and dealing with a man who tried to sell me the pink bicycle he was riding for six dollars American, and when I declined informed me he "had the haze" (that make two of us, buddy) I wondered if they had an Americantown in China.

Furthermore, what must it be like to take a trip on the Americatown bus from the Americatown in Beijing to the Americatown in Taipei or two places that are actually in China or whatever?

I would imagine it would be incredible. No, it would be better than that. It would be God-like.

I always had fond memories of Chinatown (although the lingering stench of fish always haunts me for hours after every visit. Would it be so wrong to just kill all the fish in the world and send them off to Jersey or whatever?) from accompanying my parents and their out-of-town guests there as a child to trying in vain to buy brass knuckles and a switchblade when I was a young teenager on Mott Street, Chinatown was always some new-next shit.

It makes you wonder why the Chinese government (or the Fallon-Gong, as I call them) would go to such great lengths to deprive their citizens of the wonder and amazement that can only come while immersed in a town whose country of origin is not your own. And that, my Chinese friends living in China, is what you would benefit from if there were an Americatown: amazement and wonder.

Why China, why?

Americantown: Handguns, Budweiser and McDonald’s. Obesity. Quarter-life crisis.

On the Americatown bus, the bathroom is always clean and new Chinese air-filtration technology makes smoking possible without ever disturbing the quality of air. You can drink as much alcohol as you’d like, and they have personal coolers underneath every seat. Truly, the Americatown bus is the Jet Blue of fictional city-to-city bus travel in China. (searching party bus on google images yields some pretty funny results.)

I promise, I WILL do a follow up on this. And maybe I’ll even go to China as a cultural missionary slash city planner and get a couple of new cities popping. However, I NEED INVESTORS. GET YOUR CAKE UP AND HOLLER AT ME, WE’LL SMOKE A BLUNT……THEN CHANGE THE WORLD.

Until then Alito, touch, rinse, repeat.