fun facts about the world

Just playing. But our nostrils are like identical twins!

New York, New York

1/31/06

Whats popping besides needle drugs?

I was going to write about Alito and the sorry state of partisan politics plaguing the people, but beyond that alliteration, I didn’t have much to say.

Then this situation arose out of the clear blue.

Earlier today while I was at work doing my job like I get paid to, this chick rolls up on me and is like "Has anyone told you that you look like exactly like C. Thomas Howell?" and I’m all "Nah, nah. I don’t even know who that is. Nah."

But this was one of those newfangled persistent chicks I keep hearing so much about and she (as persistent people tend to do) persisted and said "He’s an older actor, he was in The Outsiders. You look just like him." At first I thought she was talking about the New Jersey based rap group The Outsiders (whose Nightlife LP is very dope, go pick it up) and I was about to reassure her that I did not look like anyone who was ever in that group (except perhaps Eminem and even then only on the basis of skin color. You probably didn’t know Eminem was in The Outsiders, but then again you don’t know shit.) when I recalled a book of the same title. And where there is a book, there is usually a movie. I call it the smoke-fire theory.

So I told the chick "I’ll do some research."

And I did.

And while I don’t throw around words like "exact" or ever really talk to strangers, I could see where homegirl was coming from. Unfortunately I don’t really have any pictures of me deadpanning it or looking sober to compare the flicks of C. Thomas Howell to, but its possible you know me in real life and know what I look like. Personally, I think I have better bone structure in my face than he does.

You decide.

1: Uhhh. Black and white? Driving a car. These are not things I do.

2: Sweating, looking under the influence, appearing on film. That’s more my stee.

3: I guess if I did my hair all silly? I don’t really see myself as looking like this, but then again my concept of reality is pretty much hit-or-miss.

PS: NO HOMO on all of this.

Sometimes you read something and it puts a smile on your face. Generally, I don’t smile much. I grin, smirk and on occasion look amused, but rarely will I ever actually smile ear-to-ear and flash my pearly whites nicotine stained antique-whites. This statement, which I read on www.allhiphop.com caused me to actually smile and basically made the past four hours of life worth living. I thought I would share, although while editing the photos (which is a lot more fun than actually writing, why couldn’t I have just been a graphics editor?) at work, I felt a little uneasy with a giant flick of a baby nursing on (presumably) his moms exposed nipple. That said, kindly click on the two photos below (don’t skip ahead, just click on them when you come to them) for larger views of my masterpieces. Actually, maybe don’t click on the second one if you are at work.

"Cam’ron will also be releasing a DVD warning against the dangers of child molestation by predators that stalk via the Internet."

If you are like me, you probably want to see that again, verbatim, to make sure it wasn’t a typo.

"Cam’ron will also be releasing a DVD warning against the dangers of child molestation by predators that stalk via the Internet."

This was the best sentence I’ve read since I finished Middlesex (authors note: I did not read Middlesex). I mean, every time I throw cold water on my face, pinch myself and come back to my computer I am actually shocked that I’m re-reading these words. I also checked (twice) and it is not April Fool’s Day. Shit, it’s not even April at all.

This got me thinking, what could Cam’ron’s motivation for releasing this DVD possibly be? I mean, while few among us would say they were in favor of children being molested, it’s not like we’re out there making (of all things) DVD’s which warn "against the dangers of child molestation by predators that stalk via the Internet." 

So, Cam’ron (who once said, famously that he got "computers ‘puting") must be concerned that his legions of underage fans are being preyed upon by cyber-stalkers, right?

Wrong.

Is Cam’ron perhaps upset that he was snubbed (once again) by the nomination committee for the Nobel Peace Prize?

Perhaps.

Was Cam’ron himself the victim of an Internet predator (no homo)?

I’m not going to speculate any further about another mans motivation for doing something good for society, but I can only guess that it has something to do with one of the following; money, haze, Harlem, sonning Jay-Z, sonning Mase, the color pink, having numerous yellow diamonds, the word "killa", the season "killa", his upcoming album "Killa Season."

Also to consider, does Dipset have been with the Empty Set??

Hey.. It has been quite some time since I’ve updated this collective of crap that’s been expunged from my anus of a mind.. Don’t think that I’ve stopped thinking of fun facts about the world, or that I’ve been thinking of them and have become unwilling to share. Sharing is caring. And I care. I really fucking care. In fact, just imagine me working hard instead of hardly working (if there is any room left on the cross you can feel free to nail me to it) and while I would be remiss to consider most of my ideas well thought out, certainly I need to at least type the shit up. As always, an intern or an indentured servant would make all of this much easier. (FOR INSTANCE, I MADE NUMEROUS SPELLING MISTAKES AND HAD TO GO BACK AND FIX THEM. MAD. FUCKING. ANNOYING.) But then again, there is something to be said for doing things for dolo (see masturbation and reading books). Plus I feel it is a luxury to be able to be productive outside of the realm of "working" while at work. I’m saying, if I was allowed to play the same beat at an obscene volume over and over and again, I would be writing verses at work too. Alas, this is not allowed in my current office. Yeah, office.

Concerned reader: "Why don’t you just update your blog from home?"

Well Ms. Reader, (if that’s even your real name) in my infinite quest to not be defined as a creepy Internet pervert who spends their free time searching the world wide web (or the WWW as it conveyed in shorthand… have you ever tried to go to worldwideweb.Friendster.com? that shit won’t even come close to working) for various instances of insanity, I usually spend my free time doing American things, like drinking beer and watching sports on television while wishing I was surrounded by the (fictional) dancing sluts. Sometimes I think about buying a big American flag and hanging it next to my flag if Italy. Maybe in 2008. Maybe.

So here are the developments since I last spoke and you last listened.

-The Racial Unity Picnic was a complete success. Now I have the key to New York City. I do bumps off it.

-The NFL playoffs have now left us with two teams: The Steelers and The Seahawks. I don’t know if you paid much attention to taxonomy or whatever, but Steel > Bird.

-I went to Aqueduct racetrack and it was mad foggy out. I did not win any money. You can take the A train there and gamble until your heart is content.

-My amazing rap group will be in Philadelphia next Friday to do our first show ever in the state of Pennsylvania. I will finally be able to drink more Yard Ale, the memory of which has haunted my daydreams, not unlike the way the telltale heart haunted whoever. It’s like Yard Ale is underneath the proverbial floorboards (I guess I really do have "floorboards" come to think of it) of my bedroom calling out to me in an eerily somber tone "drink me."

-I may be taking my other show (this aforementioned crap) on the road as well and doing some guest posting on the larger Internet. While most of the people I know have given me positive feedback on the blog (but not in the comment section, God forbid), the world is larger than the 10,000 or so people that I have checking for me now and by expanding, I’ll be able to waste more strangers time share my amazing and alcoholic life of observations most people wouldn’t find necessary to comment on in a public forum with people as far away as New Jersey India(na).

-The word "Alito" can be used for dog, homie or as a reference to yourself. If you haven’t heard this slang yet, you just aren’t down. ‘Yo, whats cracking Alito." "Yo, I was with Alito last night, no homo."

-Future ideas - I’m going to try and write something about the alarming number of stories about teenagers and twenty-somethings who pass away. No, no, no. I wrote that all wrong. I’m going to point out how there have been numerous instances of the recently deceased having their myspace.com profiles visited by journalists who are searching for insight into the life that was. Something like that. If anyone else does it first, I’ll talk mega shit about suing.

-Chronikill will be back in New York on Friday February 24th at Don Hills. First NYC show in something like 6 months (maybe less). So come through, overdose and die young. Then maybe someone will check your myspace profile and write "Mr. Reader was 23, his profile on myspace said ‘I love Chronikill and being alive’ Tragic. Sooooo tragic." Or some such nonsense, i don’t write the obituary’s, I make them necessary.

Until then alito… Until then..

Recently, in the cavern of infinite joy (that’s what I’ve been calling my mind these days) a light went off (my cavern has electricity and running water, thank you very much).

For years, Martin Luther King day has come and gone with nary a celebration of what the good doctor had intended: equal rights and racial harmony. This year, I decided to step my civil rights game up and have a racial harmony picnic, a gathering of unity which says "we are all equal" and also which says "we can drink heavily because we don’t have work tomorrow."

Like most crusades, this one is not without seemingly insurmountable obstacles that I must overcome. First of all, who ever heard of a picnic in the winter? It’s a contradiction in terms, a rather implausible paradox. However, the unseasonable warmth we have been experiencing in NYC recently can only seem as ethereal confirmation that God approves of my plan and will help.

Then, there is also the fact that most of my good friends happen to be white and even then, our history of social interaction is filled with divisiveness based upon ethnicity (Italians Vs. Jews basketball being the most glaring example). But I’ll just ignore that fact for the time being. Worse comes to worse, the name of the event is the 1st Annual Racial Harmony Picnic, not Oooh Look At Us, We’re Diverse.

Also, it should be noted that as a child I attended P.S. 116, which was at the time billed itself as the "International Magnet School" because the school had students representing something like 46 different countries. We used to dress up as our countrymen would and all walk to the UN. I remember once seeing "Ziggy Marley and The Melody Makers" there. I imagine the number of different nations we repped would have ballooned after the USSR crumbled into numerous less dominant "countries", however by this point I was chilling in 7-3 at Hunter.

Either way, when recounting my storied past, it is important not to leave out my childhood years which were filled with pleasant interactions with people from diverse backgrounds. And when our school used to travel to Randalls Island and compete in the District 2 Track and Field Championships, we didn’t rally behind any flag or ideology. Rather we raised our collective young voice and triumphantly exclaimed in unison: "One-sixteen (clap, clap) one-sixteen (clap, clap)."

Unlike Thanksgiving, the annual fraud perpetrated by Hallmark et al., my 1st Annual Racial Harmony Picnic will steer clear of the capitalist scourge of decorations and greeting cards, focusing instead on the things that traditionally bring people together; alcohol, NFL football and the vague promise of food.

In a perfect world, I would mainly entertain attractive young ladies from far-off regions of the world who would bring home-cooked delicacies from their native lands and then help me clean up, all the while remembering to only talk during the commercials of the football games.

Alas, the world is flawed.

Imagine all those ladies, silently watching football…..Ohhhhhhh, you may say I’m a dreamer, but clearly I’m awake… So please come join me, as golbal unity is at stake…….(in my day we don’t rhyme "one" with "one")

Anyway, if you haven’t heard any further details for me before Sunday and are interested in attending, holler at me.

Weather/food/harmony permitting.

As I was dreaming of a better tomorrow and waiting out these last painful minutes at work on Yahoo!, I noticed something terrible and awful.

If y’all happened to peep that shit that happened with them Wal-Mart DVDs, you would know where I’m coming from.

Peep how "English language Yahoo!" lists "finance, music and hot jobs" as the icon categories on the top left of the page. http://www.yahoo.com/

Now, peruse the upper left on the "Spanish language Yahoo!" and you will see that finance has been replaces with "desportes" (or sports for my anglophones) and hot jobs has been changed to "entertenimiento" (entertainment). http://espanol.yahoo.com/

Why does Yahoo! assume the Hispanic community does not care about such pressing issues as finances and hot jobs? Why is there no outrage in the Hispanic community (about this issue I mean)? I’m certainly glad that I will receive 100% of the credit for bringing down a racist regime (in the future the question "do you Yahoo!?" will receive the same negative response as "are you a Nazi?" does in our day and age), but it begs the question; am I the only person paying attention to issues facing the Hispanic community?

Yes.

I’m not saying that I’m a civil rights leader, but if someone was to happen to use those words to describe me, I doubt there would be much fuss from the mainstream media or those who know me.

Something to consider: Why hasn’t my amazing rap group Chronikill done a show since October?

Something else to consider: Marcus Vick arrested again. You def. heard it here first (unless of course you checked foxsports).  http://msn.foxsports.com/cfb/story/5234222

Samuel Alito’s conformation hearings have begun. If I was a United States Senator, the first thing I would do is move to Washington.

Once situated in a new crib, I would purchase attire I deemed appropriate and probably drink a few many beers. I imagine I would have some staff to hire as well. Also, I know a few people in the D.C. area whom I haven’t seen in a minute, so I would want to take some time out to catch up with them and probably wind up drinking more beer.

I would also call my mom to tell her I had a safe trip, because a) I’m a good son like that and b) the only other time I wound up in D.C., it was after a failed attempt to go from Philadelphia to Baltimore on an Amtrak train after making a huge scene in the Philadelphia Amtrak station, so it is possible that I could have fucked the whole thing up and wound up hungover and confused in North Carolina instead of my house of manifest destiny on Cake Hill (nee Capitol Hill).

After all those tangential loose ends were tied up, these are some of the "questions" (or demands) I would ask Alito, during his confirmation hearings or as I like to call them "Mardi Gras with no alcohol."

- If you could either fly or have x-ray vision, which would you choose? Why?

- If a mugger confronts you on a dark street and demands money under the guise of having a weapon do you: a) give up the loot and keep it moving, b) ask to see said weapon before handing anything over, c) respond in a foreign language and offer a helpless smile as if to say "I would love to help however I know not these words you speak?"

I would be hoping he said "c" so I could ask him to demonstrate the smile.

- Defend being born in New Jersey in 5 words.

It’s not my fucking fault.

- Name 5 words that rhyme with "abortion". (if he says "extortion" first, I’m not voting to confirm him)

Contortion, distortion, proportion, portion, extortion.

- Do 25 push-ups.

- Who holds the MLB rookie record for Home Runs and in what year was it set?

Mark McGuire, 49, 1987.

- Explain the role fortune cookies play in your political philosophy.

- If you and Harriet Miers had a cook-off, what would you cook and why?

- In your own words, compare and contrast the Nas/Jay-Z beef with the Cold War.

- If you were a contestant of a game show, which show would it be and why?

Family Feud. Because family values are important. And also, wouldn’t Clan V. Clan be a more appropriate title for the show. It’s not as though the show is based upon infighting within ones family anyway. I see you Al Borland.

- In the movie "Who’s The Man?" (the fat fake) Dr. Dre and Ed Lover pass their Police Academy exam by using a tried and true system. Name that system.

ABBA-CADABBA all the way down! Awesome early 90’s movie with plenty of hip-hop cameo’s btw if you wasn’t up on it.

*Blindfold portion*

- Which is Coke and which is Pepsi?

- Is that a man or a woman touching you?

————————————————————————————————-

One additional thing to consider.

- " New York City is urging Jewish parents to stop letting mohels suck blood from circumcision wounds. The sucking, which is supposed to clean the wound, reportedly happens 2,000 to 4,000 times a year in the city. The city acted after several sucked boys got herpes infections, one of which led to brain damage. Some Orthodox Jews hold the practice sacred and accuse the city of violating religious freedom. Others say it’s about time the city did something to protect kids from zealots."

http://www.slate.com/id/2133988/ - India is not the hotbed of liberal ideals it once was.

Later in the Week: A breakdown of how a perfect and productive day can be spent. AND I plan a fictional "racial harmony picnic" in honor of MLK day.

Another day, another personal from Yahoo! that I just had to respond to (by which I mean tear apart here).

Her headline, which is always one of the most important factors in the quest to stand out from the rest of the scenery out in Internet personal land, is "Always (guess why?)"

I guess you are always smiling, because you are mildly retarded or always high. Judging by the picture either one is distinctly possible and the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

She goes on to say she is a Christian who attends services weekly. I recently spent some time in a church and let me tell you, mass is a lot more whacked-out than I remember it being from my childhood. This raises some questions about her general sanity, but I can move on (dot org). Sorry about that, sometimes my comedic genius is overcome by my childish nature. On the other hand, some people like dumb jokes.

Her interests (which I’m slowly realizing are picked from a list I guess) include community service and spirituality. I’ve done some community service in the past, but only when it was court ordered. I’m not opposed helping the community, but until I’m living in a solid gold pyramid and smoking weed out of hard-carved pipes made from the bones of extinct animals, I’m more into community sympathy. It’s like community service, but from your bed.

As far as spirituality is concerned, I’ll have a Crown and Coke every now and then, but generally I stick to beers. It’s just safer than way. What are you into ghosts and shit?

Homegirl goes on to say:

About Me: upbeat…good hearted…strong character…passion for everything that I do…love great music, spicy exotic foods, romantic comedies and the simple joys of life like a good cup of coffee, a nice walk, flowers, an accessory or a great story!

These "girls" are all starting to blend together. I’m good hearted (ask about me) and I guess I have a strong character, but I can’t bring myself to be upbeat. I mean, it just seems a little naive, what in the face of all the horrors. The what? The horrors. I can’t front on spicy foods though. It clears up my nasal passages, which I can then clog up again with…..

Also, I’m all about the simple joys of life, but could you choose something a little less cliche than "flowers"? For example, one of my "simple joys" is when someone is running for the bus or train, and the doors slam in their face. It makes my heart smile.

I love research and leadership too…
Columbia College (Early Decision) Graduate…Starting MEDICAL School next year! Right now, an AMAZING year off before I start

Pro’s: You may one day be able to prescribe me pills. You may lead yourself into traffic one day. Watching someone who brags about themselves inevitably fail is very rewarding. Speaking strictly from a "revenge" point of view.

Cons: Listening to you talk about how hard medical school is. Pretending I care. Not banging other chicks while you are in "Whateverthefuck 101." Your insistence upon CAPITALIZING medical.

About my Match: Good hearted…Strength of character…A Fear of GOD…LOYAL
…Polished…

We already talked about my heart and my character, but a fear of God? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to debate the existence of God, and I may even worship him. But I’m from New York City, and my character is so strong that unless God has a weapon, I ain’t giving up shit. I am LOYAL also, but only to people I’ve known for a minute. Your tendency to capitalize random words leads me to believe that mentally you may be UNSTABLE.

A desire to give 100% to everything including our relationship;)

Trying hard is for people who aren’t satisfied with what GOD gave them. If everyone put forth as little effort as possible, the goodness would rise to the top. Society is a lot like crack in that sense.

I don’t like a mean streak, sarcasm with an underlying message, selfishness,

Fuckballs! I do have a mean streak, but it’s mainly reserved for talking about people behind their back. My sarcasm has a real message: I’m smarter than you. I’m very generous with people, but I rarely have anything of value. Take the last hit and you will get stabbed, that’s my word.

and comparison…

Well that just about ruins "which male celebrity do you most resemble night" and "which girls on the street have better bodies than you night" and "comparing you to special Olympians based solely upon intelligence night."

Can I get your digits anyway?

Sorry, that was my sarcasm with an underlying message again. It pops up at most awkward times. Just like my herpes.

Yahoo! had an article about a $3.5 million grant from the American Cancer Foundation for some researchers to study why teen moms tend to be overweight.

No word yet on any grants to study why teens don’t go to church instead of getting pregnant. No disrespect to your baby’s momma.

Yahoo! sez: Before she became a teen mom, Emma Richardson played high school sports and wore a size 8.

"I feel fat," the 18-year-old high school junior said. "Like a bear in hibernation."

Bears have no self-image you twit.

———————————————

Anyway, as I was on Yahoo! personals, or as I like to say looking for love in all the wrong places, I happened upon this gem.

Homegirls headline reads "Bonnie Seeks Her Clyde" - and she goes on to say she "doesn’t smoke" and "wants to be on a game show." This has the makings of a keeper.

There’s not much that I can say here that would do justice to myself lol jk

Well, to start you could use real English words and not child-like pseudo-acronyms which are barely suitable for IM conversations. Am I really to believe that while writing the sentence you began to "laugh out loud?" Do you have Tourettes Syndrome?

I have an acronym I like to use sometimes, WHSTSSAFSL or W.ondering H.ow S.omeone T.his S.tupid S.tayed A.live F.or S.o L.ong.

BUT, some things I like include music, dancing, anything spanish, cheese, comedy, dunkin donuts coffee, Viva la Bam, and Stewie Griffin.

I like music too! Even dancing is a reasonable thing to like, but you lose me at "anything spanish." I’m no grammarian, but I’m pretty sure that the first "s" in "spanish" is capitalized. So you like Spanish olives and also the Spanish Inquisition? You like "total: 4.42 deaths/1,000 live births?" Because that is the infant mortality rate in Spain, you sick twisted bitch.

I’ll give you a pass on cheese, although you probably like some whacked-out shit like Brie or Jarlsberg. Asiago stand up! Provolone stand up! Ricotta Salata stand up! Italian cheese in the house! In your face, "Spain".

Things I don’t like are liars, pushy salespeople, and most kinds of breakfast food.

I’m with you on the liars and the pushy salespeople (I mean, it’s not like you are going out on a limb here and saying you hate laughter and the 9/11 victims), but breakfast food? What the fuck is wrong with you? Bacon, egg and cheese on a roll is right up there with the wheel and Jesus as the most culturally significant things ever.

Also, I heard you love sausage in the morning.

Visit www.siyouarewack.es for more information.

Something to consider: Is dating while on speed the new speed dating?

I’ll have you eating out of my hand right after you watch me scratch my balls.