How To Stay Alive
Now I’ve never been one to exercise too much caution with my own life. I mean, I know all about looking both ways before I cross the street (but sometimes when I get really drunk I like to tempt fate and cross the street with my eyes closed -you should try it and see if God loves you like he loves me) and not taking candy from strangers and all that cutesy-poo(h) bullshit. But there are certain things that you just won’t catch me doing, such as sky diving. I always argued that if I were to die prematurely I would want it to be in a way that people could feel sympathy for me. For example, if a cop shot me while I was trying to teach some kids how to read, thats the sort of thing people can get behind. On the other hand, I always cited a sky diving accident as the worse possible way I could think of dying. I mean, are you retarded? Your entire fucking plan was to THROW YOURSELF OUT OF A PLANE. What did you think was going to happen?
Take a second to allow that to sink in.
Local retard and walking argument for better pre-natal care to prevent fetal-alcohol syndrome (or FAS to those in the loop) Shayna Richardson found herself in a precarious position a few months back during her first solo skydiving jump. It seems that at some point during the "jump" (which I would call a "fall") her parachute malfunctioned and she found herself speeding towards the earth, which last time I checked was not so soft: "I heard a snap and I started spinning and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to do to fix it. I didn’t know how to make it stop."
While some people may claim that they have their life flash before their eyes in moments of extreme danger, young Shayna was absorbed with her own plight: "At the end I said, I’m going to die. I’m going to hit the ground. I’m going to die."
Nostradamus, she ain’t.
In fact, through some miracle she managed to survive the 50 MPH impact and was rushed to the hospital where they discovered she had broken her pelvis and her leg, lost six teeth and…..was pregnant. Amazingly the baby wasn’t harmed (in the sense that Mom being from Arkansas isn’t harmful enough).
Shayna (which just seems like a slut name) shared this wisdom with other would-be pregnant sky divers: "To hit the ground belly first - that’s dangerous. I mean at any stage of pregnancy that’s dangerous. That’s not something you want to do let alone at 50 miles per hour." Homegirl, if I was the daddy as soon as you popped the kid out, I’d take out the lovely life insurance policy and send you sky diving again.
Click on the illustration to the left for everything you need to know about the perils of sky diving.
