How Did You Meet Mommy?
Part One of (what I hope to be) Many
Back whenever the Internet was invented it served no real purpose for normal people. Now in 2005, people use it to do all sorts of shit -raise money for terrorist organizations, download [child] pornography, gamble, buy prescription pills with no prescription and try and find reasonable people to date.
Personally, I haven’t been on too many traditional dates in my life and have never dating a girl off the Internet. I find the situation to be ridiculous. I don’t see movies and I really dislike restaurants. Let’s just have a couple of drinks, smoke a blunt and fuck- okay? All the other shit can fall into place later, if need be.
Okay. But there is a whole group of people who seem willing to get to know complete strangers in settings where talking and listening are par for the course. I will now mock them.
This 23yr old female lives in New York, is a college grad and has a "friendly" sense of humor. Her headline on yahoo! personals is "Lover of music & nature seeks friend."
First of all, what the fuck is a friendly sense of humor? Does she make jokes and then stand by you during tough times?
Assuming I could let that go, the idea that a "nature lover" chooses to live in New York City is a little tough to fathom. That’s like saying you love "diverse culture" and living in Chalmette, Louisiana. Anyway, she continues in the red, I engage her in meaningful debate in the black.
I’m a New Yorker and I’m looking to meet someone outside of the usual bar
Then why are you on the Internet? Go put on your hat and coat and stand outside of the bar. Am I going to have to hold your fucking hand through this?
I’m a jazz singer but I do cancer research during the day and I also have my own business, so I’m busy but I love life.
I have shitty sentence structure but I write on my blog during the day and I also have my own rap group, so I’m busy but I love weed.
Mostly I love music, being outside, and seeing the world. I don’t have a TV so I’m creative with how I spend my time!
No, no, no. You don’t have a TV, so you don’t just sit around watching TV - it doesn’t automatically mean that you somehow maximize every waking moment. And you love "being outside"? How fucking simple are you? That’s something a puppy would list as one of the top three things it loves. Do you have an affinity for chew toys as well? Kibbles and Bits, biatch!
My friends say I’m caring and giving; I am a fun person with a full laugh. I enjoy spending time with interesting, intelligent people.
My friends say "you sound like a herb."
I’d like to meet someone who is open-minded and fun, honest and caring.
But what about giving? You aren’t narrowing the field down much here. Whose self-image is close-minded, dull, dishonest and hateful? Wow, that hit me a little too close to home.
Someone who would enjoy spontaneous nights out in a jazz club or weekend bike rides in central park.
Sorry homegirl, Wednesday and Friday are my jazz club nights, and they are SET IN STONE. And my weekends are block-booked through the Super Bowl for drinking and watching TV. You can bike all you want though, unless you forgot how. Stupid!
Please say hi! I’d love to tell you more and learn about you.
Hi! This sounds like the type of chick whose crib I would go back to on a mission. I mean, to be that stupid, you gotta have something worth stealing in the medicine cabinet.
Bye!
