Blogging and Crack are my Anti-Drugs
You may remember a few months ago when I single-handedly ended the war in Iraq Operation Iraqi Freedom by proposing better war slogans for the protesters. Now, I will do my part to step up the war on drugs by providing some better slogans that may actually propose a viable alternative to drugs.
You may be familiar with the ____ is my anti-drug campaign, where they somehow assume that jogging or whatever is an effective way to keep kids off drugs. More astute kids would point out that, despite the Internet rumors, jogging never got anyone high. And don’t give me any spiritual crap about the joys of "running with the wind" either.
Below, I propose a more viable anti-drugs.
Looting - Honestly, who has the time to cook up a shot of that ‘ron when there are Jordans to be had? Plus, you need to be alert to avoid the cops and avoid dropping your gear in the shit-infested flood waters. Oh shit, is that the Deuce McAllister jersey? It’s not like they are going to let you into the Astrodome unless you look F-R-E-S-H.Why buy drugs when you can steal clothes?
Boredom - One thing about drugs and being addicted to them is that there is never really a dull moment. The cravings, excitement and blows dealt by police night-sticks are all sharp. If one were to resign themselves to a life of being bored, playing game after game of solitaire on Windows XP and making sure the microwave was really, really clean, there would be no reason whatsoever to do drugs. I mean, would you rather be depressed, addicted and suicidal or bored, sober and bored? Boredom, you make my veins stop itching.
Being Aborted - Why did the fetus cross the road? Because mommy was a basehead and it was born addicted to crack. Really though, if we remove any and all temptation by killing the would-be-user in question before they develop any independent will, there would be a serious reduction in the number of drug arrests almost overnight -as most users are in the 1-6 age range. Just think of the money we would say of ads for the anti-drug campaign. "I deaded more girls than Chinese abortion clinics." -Just saying.
Domestic Violence - Can’t take the pressure, can you? The walls are closing in, aren’t they? There is never enough money at the end of the month, is there? The baby isn’t going to stop crying, is he? Dinner is never on the table when you get home, is it? You can either take you belt off and tie-up until a vein pops, or take you belt off and and get all domestic with yo’ violence. Surveys say that 9 out of 10 victims of domestic violence wish their significant others would have done drugs instead (thank you Richard Dawson for the survey results).
Prescription Drugs W/ a prescription - The dirty little secret of the war on drugs is that for every kid from the underclass just trying to numb the pain of everyday life with some illicit substance, there are a bunch of older, more paid people who are legally taking much better drugs for much less money. It’s all about access and appearance. Hey, all I’m saying is that if I’d known I would have got Oxycontin, I would have thrown myself down the stairs and had back surgery months ago.
Rounding out the list of most popular anti-drugs are alcohol, genocide, suicide, terrorism, racism, unprotected sex, child pornography, blood-letting and White Castle (stomach crack in the flesh). I mean, if it’s one thing this country loves to do, its spend billions of dollars on an unpopular war that it’s not clear we can win. Oh, and we love drugs too.
"Hey baby, what’s your anti-drug?"
"Want to come back to my place and talk? No, really."
"Who needs drugs when you’ve got a gun?"
