fun facts about the world

Taken from the NY Post:

BAGHDAD, Iraq — Large demonstrations broke out across the country Friday to denounce parliamentary elections that protesters say were rigged in favor of the main religious Shiite coalition.

Lets try that in "AmericaVision" (patent pending)

New York, NY — A bunch of people complained loudly on Friday to denounce the presidential election that protesters say were rigged in favor of the main religious Christian coalition.

Is it possible that, in however long this fucking war has been going on less than three (III, 3) years, Iraq has already reached the level of democracy (by which I mean bi-partisan bickering with a creepy religious overtone) that it took America 500 years almost 250 years to attain?

Also to consider, can you fathom what Daschle would have looked like had he actually been poisoned by the ‘thrax?

lep·er (lĕp‘ər)
n.

1. A person affected by leprosy.
2. A person who is avoided by others; a pariah.

….It’s all her fault. Nice hair.

YOU WILL BE MISSED.

3.29.28 - 12.19.05

Rest In Peace.

Yup, Ticketmaster. Fuck em.

All I wanted to do was get two tickets to the May 9th Yanks-Sox game. I would have thought signing on as tickets went on sale, i would have a fighting chance.

Nope.

And if they are Ticketmaster, what does that make us, Ticketslaves?

I’m going to read up on anti-trust laws and try and file a class-action law suit against Ticketmaster.

And if (when) that fails, I’m going to go down to their company headquarters and start shooting. People. In the head.

Have a great weekend!!

And don’t get got!!

Part One of (what I hope to be) Many

Back whenever the Internet was invented it served no real purpose for normal people. Now in 2005, people use it to do all sorts of shit -raise money for terrorist organizations, download [child] pornography, gamble, buy prescription pills with no prescription and try and find reasonable people to date.

Personally, I haven’t been on too many traditional dates in my life and have never dating a girl off the Internet. I find the situation to be ridiculous. I don’t see movies and I really dislike restaurants. Let’s just have a couple of drinks, smoke a blunt and fuck- okay? All the other shit can fall into place later, if need be.

Okay. But there is a whole group of people who seem willing to get to know complete strangers in settings where talking and listening are par for the course. I will now mock them.

This 23yr old female lives in New York, is a college grad and has a "friendly" sense of humor. Her headline on yahoo! personals is "Lover of music & nature seeks friend."

First of all, what the fuck is a friendly sense of humor? Does she make jokes and then stand by you during tough times?

Assuming I could let that go, the idea that a "nature lover" chooses to live in New York City is a little tough to fathom. That’s like saying you love "diverse culture" and living in Chalmette, Louisiana. Anyway, she continues in the red, I engage her in meaningful debate in the black.

I’m a New Yorker and I’m looking to meet someone outside of the usual bar

Then why are you on the Internet? Go put on your hat and coat and stand outside of the bar. Am I going to have to hold your fucking hand through this?

I’m a jazz singer but I do cancer research during the day and I also have my own business, so I’m busy but I love life.

I have shitty sentence structure but I write on my blog during the day and I also have my own rap group, so I’m busy but I love weed.

Mostly I love music, being outside, and seeing the world. I don’t have a TV so I’m creative with how I spend my time!

No, no, no. You don’t have a TV, so you don’t just sit around watching TV - it doesn’t automatically mean that you somehow maximize every waking moment. And you love "being outside"? How fucking simple are you? That’s something a puppy would list as one of the top three things it loves. Do you have an affinity for chew toys as well? Kibbles and Bits, biatch!

My friends say I’m caring and giving; I am a fun person with a full laugh. I enjoy spending time with interesting, intelligent people.

My friends say "you sound like a herb."

I’d like to meet someone who is open-minded and fun, honest and caring.

But what about giving? You aren’t narrowing the field down much here. Whose self-image is close-minded, dull, dishonest and hateful? Wow, that hit me a little too close to home.

Someone who would enjoy spontaneous nights out in a jazz club or weekend bike rides in central park.

Sorry homegirl, Wednesday and Friday are my jazz club nights, and they are SET IN STONE. And my weekends are block-booked through the Super Bowl for drinking and watching TV. You can bike all you want though, unless you forgot how. Stupid!

Please say hi! I’d love to tell you more and learn about you.

Hi! This sounds like the type of chick whose crib I would go back to on a mission. I mean, to be that stupid, you gotta have something worth stealing in the medicine cabinet.

Bye!

Now I’ve never been one to exercise too much caution with my own life. I mean, I know all about looking both ways before I cross the street (but sometimes when I get really drunk I like to tempt fate and cross the street with my eyes closed -you should try it and see if God loves you like he loves me) and not taking candy from strangers and all that cutesy-poo(h) bullshit. But there are certain things that you just won’t catch me doing, such as sky diving. I always argued that if I were to die prematurely I would want it to be in a way that people could feel sympathy for me. For example, if a cop shot me while I was trying to teach some kids how to read, thats the sort of thing people can get behind. On the other hand, I always cited a sky diving accident as the worse possible way I could think of dying. I mean, are you retarded? Your entire fucking plan was to THROW YOURSELF OUT OF A PLANE. What did you think was going to happen?

Take a second to allow that to sink in.

Local retard and walking argument for better pre-natal care to prevent fetal-alcohol syndrome (or FAS to those in the loop) Shayna Richardson found herself in a precarious position a few months back during her first solo skydiving jump. It seems that at some point during the "jump" (which I would call a "fall") her parachute malfunctioned and she found herself speeding towards the earth, which last time I checked was not so soft: "I heard a snap and I started spinning and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to do to fix it. I didn’t know how to make it stop."

While some people may claim that they have their life flash before their eyes in moments of extreme danger, young Shayna was absorbed with her own plight: "At the end I said, I’m going to die. I’m going to hit the ground. I’m going to die."

Nostradamus, she ain’t.

In fact, through some miracle she managed to survive the 50 MPH impact and was rushed to the hospital where they discovered she had broken her pelvis and her leg, lost six teeth and…..was pregnant. Amazingly the baby wasn’t harmed (in the sense that Mom being from Arkansas isn’t harmful enough).

Shayna (which just seems like a slut name) shared this wisdom with other would-be pregnant sky divers: "To hit the ground belly first - that’s dangerous. I mean at any stage of pregnancy that’s dangerous. That’s not something you want to do let alone at 50 miles per hour." Homegirl, if I was the daddy as soon as you popped the kid out, I’d take out the lovely life insurance policy and send you sky diving again.

Click on the illustration to the left for everything you need to know about the perils of sky diving.

A wise man once said "keep your sources close and your prescription meds closer." Once again an alert reader has sent me a news item of unparalleled importance (read: about drugs). I would just like to thank him and everyone else who forwards me items about drugs. Reading about drug-dealers is my anti-drug.

You may have read what I wrote yesterday about various anti-drugs and ways in which we, as a unified people, can keep the kids off the goofballs and away from the crazy pills. Really though, nothing hurts my heart more than watching some illiterate 7-year old blowing lines of crushed up Oxycontin while his mom is out sucking [my] dick for rock…. except knowing that some evil monster like Dottie "The Drug Dealer" Neely is making a profit off the suffering of another human being.

An AMERICAN human being. With FEELINGS. And DREAMS.

From AMERICA.

Dottie "Hate Crimes" Neely, pictured to the left ( <—- for you idiots who can’t tell left from right), is accused of slanging prescription pills and marijuana to (what I can only assume to be) impressionable minors who just "wanted to be cool like grandma."

If convicted, she faces up to ten years in jail. However, there is talk of just giving her "shock probation" which is somewhat like being "scared straight" by spending roughly 15 minutes in jail. Buddy, it’s not a choice, she was born that way. Ha!

Some people may say "lock the bitch up" -but really, as cnn.com pointed out, she is already imprisoned by her oxygen tank and she is only 4′10. I could totally dominate her in a one-on-one basketball game. I’d get my back to the basket and post her up, like what?? What??

Anyway, Dottie "The Death Merchant" Neely is only one of many elderly citizens in the Kentucky area to be arrested in the past few years for selling her prescription medication. While this may raise some issues about the ability of our seniors to enjoy a comfortable retirement and the Social Security crisis -it also begs the question "what would happen if she was a young man selling those pills?"

Well for one, you wouldn’t hear the lawyer using a touch economic climate and the "struggling to put food on the table" defense. I mean aren’t social issues (albeit different ones from the normal social issues surrounded inner city slangin’) the root cause for Dottie "The Black Widow Of Suffering" Neely’s unfortunate choice to sell drugs?

I’m a little unclear where she scooped the tree, but my understanding of Kentucky is that a bunch of people with no teeth run around shooting rifles on dirt roads while swigging Bourbon right out of the bottle, so marijuana most likely just grows wild in the woods, or whatever. It is possible that I’m wrong and she actually conspired to cop and then bagged it up and sold it, but that boggles the mind. She was probably so old school that she was giving people quarter-ounce nickle bags.

Anyway, you’ll notice that she was selling her own prescription and not buying up other prescriptions and selling them. It’s like in college, if the kid selling the Adderall is also prescribed Adderall, he is less a drug dealer and more some poor kid who can’t pay attention. Hey, (snaps fingers) over here!!

To quote her lawyer "You’ve got a depressed economy. You’ve got an opportunity for these folks to make money. If you’re seeing a disproportionate number of elderly, it’s because they are the people who are going to be prescribed most of the drugs."

That sounds like a threat. "Don’t put her in jail, or else the underlings of Dottie "Hitlers Mistress" Neely will set up shop in your neighborhood and start selling their medicine." I can just imagine it, old women sitting around benches, pretending to be feeding pigeons and lamenting on the direction the world is taking, when in actuality they are making smooth hand-offs to the runners (women in their late 40’s and 50’s) who then supply the little kids with their fix. Shame on you, Dottie "Female Anti-Christ" Neely. And shame on Kentucky too.

In conclusion, get rich before you get old.

And don’t get caught.

You may remember a few months ago when I single-handedly ended the war in Iraq Operation Iraqi Freedom by proposing better war slogans for the protesters. Now, I will do my part to step up the war on drugs by providing some better slogans that may actually propose a viable alternative to drugs.

You may be familiar with the ____ is my anti-drug campaign, where they somehow assume that jogging or whatever is an effective way to keep kids off drugs. More astute kids would point out that, despite the Internet rumors, jogging never got anyone high. And don’t give me any spiritual crap about the joys of "running with the wind" either.

Below, I propose a more viable anti-drugs.

Looting - Honestly, who has the time to cook up a shot of that ‘ron when there are Jordans to be had? Plus, you need to be alert to avoid the cops and avoid dropping your gear in the shit-infested flood waters. Oh shit, is that the Deuce McAllister jersey? It’s not like they are going to let you into the Astrodome unless you look F-R-E-S-H.Why buy drugs when you can steal clothes?

Boredom - One thing about drugs and being addicted to them is that there is never really a dull moment. The cravings, excitement and blows dealt by police night-sticks are all sharp. If one were to resign themselves to a life of being bored, playing game after game of solitaire on Windows XP and making sure the microwave was really, really clean, there would be no reason whatsoever to do drugs. I mean, would you rather be depressed, addicted and suicidal or bored, sober and bored? Boredom, you make my veins stop itching.

Being Aborted - Why did the fetus cross the road? Because mommy was a basehead and it was born addicted to crack. Really though, if we remove any and all temptation by killing the would-be-user in question before they develop any independent will, there would be a serious reduction in the number of drug arrests almost overnight -as most users are in the 1-6 age range. Just think of the money we would say of ads for the anti-drug campaign. "I deaded more girls than Chinese abortion clinics." -Just saying.

Domestic Violence - Can’t take the pressure, can you? The walls are closing in, aren’t they? There is never enough money at the end of the month, is there? The baby isn’t going to stop crying, is he? Dinner is never on the table when you get home, is it? You can either take you belt off and tie-up until a vein pops, or take you belt off and and get all domestic with yo’ violence. Surveys say that 9 out of 10 victims of domestic violence wish their significant others would have done drugs instead (thank you Richard Dawson for the survey results).

Prescription Drugs W/ a prescription - The dirty little secret of the war on drugs is that for every kid from the underclass just trying to numb the pain of everyday life with some illicit substance, there are a bunch of older, more paid people who are legally taking much better drugs for much less money. It’s all about access and appearance. Hey, all I’m saying is that if I’d known I would have got Oxycontin, I would have thrown myself down the stairs and had back surgery months ago.

Rounding out the list of most popular anti-drugs are alcohol, genocide, suicide, terrorism, racism, unprotected sex, child pornography, blood-letting and White Castle (stomach crack in the flesh). I mean, if it’s one thing this country loves to do, its spend billions of dollars on an unpopular war that it’s not clear we can win. Oh, and we love drugs too.

"Hey baby, what’s your anti-drug?"

"Want to come back to my place and talk? No, really."

"Who needs drugs when you’ve got a gun?"

One of my "alert" readers sent this link to me earlier today. I feel as though I would be doing the world a disservice if I didn’t offer some commentary. I’ll paste in parts of the original article and offer a bit of insight on the truth value behind Newsdays statements. Who knew Newsday was still around?? People who live on Long Island, that’s who.

"A drug organization calling itself the Cartoon Network delivered high-grade marijuana to the doors of affluent clients in New York City and Long Island who identified themselves on the phone with the code-word "cartoon," according to court documents."

They did in fact have high grade marijuana, but to call the clients affluent is a bit of a stretch. I’m sure some of them were, but it’s not like the minimum order was $500 or anything. Also, I can’t think of one instance where someone called them and was like "cartoon." It was more like "um, uh, hi this is (your name)…I, uh, got, ummm, your number from (friends name)…Can, uh, oh boy, you come through to (location you are at)." And anywhere ranging from an hour to never the guy would show up with the cubes. They were big on claiming they would come through and then just not showing. I’ve never been stood up on a date, but the weedman has left me in the cold more than once. And I kept coming back. You ladies could learn a lot from my unconditional forgiveness. And I can’t comment on the Long Island aspect of their delivery zone either, but with those culture vultures out there, it’s probably true.

"Customers paid $100 for 2 grams of the drug, which was packed in plastic vials to contain the odor. The vials were recently embossed with "Merry Christmas," the sources said."

Now, while they did sell the ill-skimpy 50’s, I would say that the "source" here should invest in a digital scale. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Every time I saw a 50 weighed out, it was no less that 1.4, which is pretty fucking awful, but by my math that’s 2.8 grams for $100. Also, there were times that it (gasp!) weighed out to 2.1 -probably when the bag-up kids fucked up. I don’t doubt that they had "Merry Christmas" on the cubes, although "Happy Holidays" would have been a little more inclusive.

Also, Newsday, I’m not sure what your idea of a vial is, but the term that I’ve always used for the container is "cube". Let me illustrate.

-this is a vial. The stopper on it is a little nutso, but I assure you that this is NOT what the 50’s from Cartoon came in. This is however the type of vial crack comes in, if you are the sort of person who is willing to fuck with that ready-rock garbage. Personally, I would advise against it and say three little words -cook up kid! - and this is a cube. Sadly, I was unable to find a better example of a cube. If you have time and/or want to start slanging, you can go down to the plastic district on west Canal street. I used to make the trip down there every couple of weeks or so, when I was really interested in plastics. Also, they sell a wide variety of colored plastic cubes, which can be used in place of a clear cube to obscure an objective view of the contents. I’m just saying. This isn’t necessary if you’ve got that fire though.

"It is the best," one source said of the quality of drug-ring’s marijuana.

Don’t get gassed playgirl.

It is very good, but honestly I would much prefer the uptown haze to anything they ever brought through. Also, isn’t "best" a little subjective? How can one qualify greatness relative to the entire world? Sadly, one cannot. I won’t front though, the "G-13" with the Bill Clinton sticker on it was pretty special. Even the Brooklyn goons admitted it.

"The network has been in operation since 1999 and is one of at least four in the metropolitan area that have been under investigation for "door-to-door" home delivery of marijuana."

This all sounds true. I remember when I first got to college, kids were bugging when I tried to put them on to how services operated. I got a lot of "just like Half-Baked?" questions. It was the beginning of feeling like a caricature for four years. Hence the alcohol consumption.

"The multimillion-dollar organization bragged over federal wiretaps that its clientele included professional athletes, entertainment figures and other high-profile professionals, according to sources familiar with the case."

This is probably also true, although I’m sure that Marbury and the like didn’t call themselves. Shouldn’t athletes set a better example by not smoking weed? I mean, doesn’t it have adverse reactions to all the ‘roids pulsing through their veins?

"But a team of federal agents has been going over the actual telephoned orders seized during the recent arrests to determine who were the actual customers, the sources said."

Ha! I’m sure glad that my number isn’t in their directory. But really, I wouldn’t be too worried if you did happen to be one of their clients. I would imagine that they’ll probably try and compel a couple of people to testify and that will be that. Another note - I understand the need to keep records, but when you hear the DEA knock, you hit the "self-destruct" switch on the operation and jump out the fire-escape. Duh.

"The Cartoon Network was a highly structured operation, with a network of suppliers, managers and couriers, according to court records."

If they were that highly structured, they wouldn’t have been bagged up in the first place. Also, if I wasn’t a vocal opponent of all the snitching going on, I could have dropped a dime on them numerous times. But I don’t get down like that. STOP SNITCHING!

Also, the couriers have been robbed countless times -which is one of the reasons they went through such lengths to keep detailed records, I suppose. I’m sure a more ambitious robber could have pulled a Method Man and sewn the couriers asshole closed and "kept feeding him, and feeding him, and feeding him.." until he divulged some secrets. I mean, everyone gets got eventually.

One thing which they failed to mention, and was possible the only endearing quality of Cartoon Network, other than their above-average (but not "the best") tree, was that they gave you a scratch-off lottery ticket with your order. I still have the "Take 5" I won 4 dollars on sitting in the crib, which reminds me that I’m almost out of trees.

So, to summarize, don’t call Cartoon anymore!

Whats really fam?

My weekend was filled with watching sports, drinking heavily and reflecting upon my lifetime of achievement and honor.

Dear readers, Is it only a matter of weeks until I can no longer walk down the street without thousands of people trying to touch me and get my autograph?

Kindly respect my privacy and I won’t be forced back into reclusiveness. Speaking of which, bears really have the right idea about winter. Have you ever thought about the first shit a bear takes after it has been hibernating for 3-4 months?

I sure have.

A few points, before I go off into tangent mode.

-Hopkins vs. Taylor 2. Hopkins won in my eyes and I was wearing glasses. I suppose that my scorecard of 108-104 was a little bit biased, as I’ve always been a vocal opponent of assclowns like Jermain "The Cowardly Lion" Taylor. But really, I was in a room with 7 people, and maybe 1 of them had the fight scored a draw and everyone else had Hopkins winning by one or two rounds. Also, despite what various media outlets have said about Bernard "Anthony" Hopkins wearing the executioners mask being a "desperate attempt at intimidation" I thought it was gangsta as all hell.

-At least the Winky Wright fight this Saturday is going to be free on HBO, as Winky Wright is about as much of a Pay-Per-View draw as watching the slow, painful process of wetlands erosion. Actually, I would rather watch the wetlands, at least they don’t just cover up whenever someone comes inside, and they aren’t down with State Property or Dame Dash.

-USC. That’s whats up. If you want me to take your cake, bet on Texass. Reggie Bush will win the Heisman, unless the same people who judged the Taylor-Hopkins fight are also voting.

-For all the shit I’ve been talking about how much better Carson Palmer is than Eli Manning, you would think the fellatio-fanatics who root for the Giants could send me a little note saying "son, you were right, we were wrong." It has yet to arrive.

After having alienated my female readers with a few paragraphs about sports, here is the tangent I promised above. Wouldn’t you say I do this stream of consciousness shit better than James Joyce?

On Friday I made my triumphant return to drinking. Last week, I was ill and decided that not drinking and keeping the cigarette smoking to a minimum would nurse me back to health. I was right. Maybe I should go to medical school.

I’ve also always said if I got my doctorate in anything, I would legally change my government last name to "ROX" so I could be "Doctor ROX" - you gotta aim high if you want to shoot ‘em in the head.

Right?

Right. So I was with my man Pat-Lo on Friday afternoon, drinking some beer and chilling. After a 40 and a six-pack, I was sufficiently slurred enough to tolerate the public and we headed to Corner Bistro to eat some burgers and drink $2 McSorleys. Yo, have you seen those Stouffers "Corner Bistro" microwavable dinner commercials? For word that shit looks nasty. The corner is a good look for drug dealers and hookers, but not for frozen shrimp and pasta - get the fuck out of here.

As we were leaving Corner Bistro, Pat-Lo began screaming things like "DUCK!" and "GET DOWN", which is perfectly acceptable behavior on side streets, but not on main through-fares, and certainly not on the crosstown bus. Anyway, some lunatic came on the bus screaming about the bible and this and that and God and whatnot. It was nice, for a change, to see a lunatic on the bus. Their preferred method of transportation is the shopping cart, followed closely by the train. Mr. Screamy refused to engage me in a serious conversation, and since I’m no bible scholar, I attempted to taunt him with Shakespeare quotes. "Society is no comfort to those not sociable."

Have you noticed how similar Shakespeare is the bible? Also, back in 1998 when the Best still delivered 50’s of the raw (perhaps they still do, hopefully I’m not blowing up spots) they had this one strain while they called "Shakespeare." I remember specifically opening up a 50 in Computer A class (whats really, Ms. Mayadas??) and it stinking up the whole room. And they said drugs would ruin my memory, ha!  I guess it isn’t as much of a deterrent to kids to say "don’t smoke weed, or else you’ll go off on lots of tangents in the distant future."

In the not so distant future, I will have to make a touch choice about my attendance at the Gras of ‘06. By all accounts, this will be an emotional and historic occasion and I love me some week-long binging, but I want some confirmation from someone who has been down to New Orleans that shit will pop. I mean, it’s good and well that Bourbon Street has most of their neon signs back up, but that and some wishful thinking will cop me an 1/4 of dro and a bag of yay.

Have the drug supply networks been set up again?

Are there people working in the Rite-Aide’s to sell me beer and cigarettes?

Does it smells bad like it usually does, or does the whole city smell bad like the corner of Canal and Bourbon?

Will I find any dead bodies in the street?

If I see a house I like, and no one is in it, can I keep it?

Am I the Governor of Louisiana? Can I be?

Does Pat O’s still sell hurricanes? Isn’t that wrong?

Perhaps all the beads that wind up on the ground all over the city can be used to patch up the levee. Y’all are aware that there are still gaping holes in the levee, right?

New Orleans, Louisiana: Scared To Leave My Home.