Trapped In The Closet
(I just want to point out that I was about 1/4 through what was an incredible post and friendster just shut down. Also, friendsters own spell check doesn’t recognize friendster as a word. Step your fucking game up.)
R. Kelly is a crazy motherfucker. Even if you can somehow excuse all of his pissing on under-aged girls and thinking he was going to get shot on stage during his "Best of Both Worlds" Tour with Jay-Z, (aka an ode to the transgendered) it is hard to deny that he wrote a song called "I Believe I Can Fly." Well listen up, Mr. Pied Piper of R&B, YOU CAN’T FLY. I don’t really like you lying to the kids and shit, telling them "if you just believe in yourself, you can do anything. Even fly." WRONG! YOU CAN’T FLY. If you are going to give kids false hope, at least give them the traditional all-American false hope: Jesus will save you.
Anyway, fresh off not going to jail after getting caught urinating on under-aged girls, R. Kelly has released what can only be described as an R&BOPERA by the name of "Trapped in the Closet." This musically inclined long-play video is unlike anything I’ve ever really seen, but it offers a view into the twisted mind of Mr. Kelly and his sub-par (yeah I said it bitch) lyricism. One thing that is alive and well (other than bin Laden) is R. Kellys imagination, it’s like the sexual acid trip you never had.
The "Trapped in the Closet" series is broken down into five (5, V) parts and all of which, except maybe the last one, have been released as music videos to fine establishments like MTV. I can’t say that I’ve seen all of it, but I’ve seen enough of it to pinch myself until I had black and blues, as if to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
Never before has a love triangle been so skillfully described in such detail that it actually turns into a tetrahedron (math joke!). Basically we find the R. rolling dirty back with some whore he met at the club and he is already in her crib, hitting that. But then her man walks in (his name is Rufus which just basically cements this whole thing as being the funniest shit ever) and R. Kelly has to hide in the closet (no word if he bumped into Tom Cruise there) to avoid being confronted.
Then he comes out of the closet (with his gun drawn on Rufus, mind you) to confront the quarreling couple. But wait, Rufus has something he wants to get off his chest. Will the whore R. Kelly has been creeping with on the low turn from the jiltee to the jilted (Mrs. Havisham, we see you)??
Rufus is on the phone talking to his lover and we find out that she is coming back over. Will R. Kelly avoid shooting them, will he break out, will he ever have his day in court?
Well just as R. is about to shoot one or both of them (he even licks off in the air) Chuck comes in and announces that he is Rufus’s lover (he’s "been knowing Rufus for about a year") and then Kanye West pops out of the closet as well and him and R. Kelly do a duet about how there is too much homophobia in hip-hop and how if men would just release their urges to piss on under-aged girls, maybe they wouldn’t be so judgmental of other lifestyles.
As Kanye, the whore, Rufus and Chuck proceed to have the nastiest orgy this side of The Gangbang Girl #34, R. Kelly decides to call home, just in case his wife was wondering where he has been for the last day and a half.
AND A MAN PICKS UP HIS PHONE.
This whole song/video has been running for about 15 minutes or so when this development takes place and, oh boy-boy, it keeps going. Since I’ve got sick of writing about the song/video (thanks in part to friendster who deleted my earlier, funnier post about it) I’ll just hit you with some quotes and images and talk some shit. Really though, I’d like feedback if anyone else has seen this. It’s bad, but it’s so bad that it’s watchable (I’m not going to say it’s good, not with my confirmation pending).
"Damn, here comes a police man
He drove right up on me and flashed his light
Then I pulled over without thinking twice
He hopped out the car and walked over to me
And said license and registration please
I looked up at him and said
Officer, is there something wrong
He said no, except you were were doin 85 in a 60 mile zone"
If you had listened to Jay-Z’s "99 Problems" you would understand that this isn’t protocol for the police stopping a young African-American. However since they have beef, R. decided to portray the police officer as reasonable and respectful in this song, as a subtle diss. Those hip-hop guys, just when you thought subtlety was so played, there it is right in your face. Ha!
"Then I’m like woman I called this house
And a man picked up my phone
Then she said calm down
Did you forget
My brother Twan came home"
Your brother Twan? What is that shit short for Antwan? I want answers. And where did he come home from? The store? Europe? Jail? Prison? Iraq? Day Care??
"Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax
And I said cool
Climax
Just let go of my leg
She says you’re the perfect lover
I said I cant go no further
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber…"
Oh man. I imagine that he is singing about how he has noticed that there is a condom wrapper on the bed and not trying to convey the feeling "Oh my pedophile ass forgot to wear a condom again and after I paid that last case to go away and I got kicked off the tour and sued by Jay-Z, I can’t really afford any more child support right now."
But who really knows with this nutjob.
Stay tuned for part 5, and hit me with feedback.
October 20th, 2005 at 10:29 pm
Something I finally have some feedback for… First off, let me just say that genii (I don’t know if that is the plural of Genius, but if we were declinging nouns in latin, which is where the word genius came from, it would be genii) often have “alternative” lifestyles… go back as far as you want; plato, aristotle, shakesphere, oscar weil, van gogh, Jacko. And yes, I do put R in this catagory. Listen to any Hot 97 interview, and any artist who had worked with him, and they will undoubtedly say R is a genius.
That being said, so what if R like to relieve himself on little girls? Are you so perfect Mr. Rox 1? Do you not have any fetishes the average non-crack-smoking person might object to? I know I have my faults (they are numbered somewhere in the thousands) but I would never dream of passing judgement on someone as gifted as Kells… For fucks sake, Van Gogh cut his own ear off!
You shit on “I believe I can fly” but have you forgotten about “Ignition”, or “Thoia Thing”? That’s like saying Stanley Kubrick sucks because of “Eyes Wide Shut”… sure that movie sucked, but what about “A Clockwork Orange” or “Full Metal Jacket”?
Basically, what I’m trying to say, albeit with limited success at best, is that Kells is the man… and don’t try to say that he has “sub par lyricism”… you know he just sits down at the piano and records the creepy/musical shit that flows from his dirty-ass mind/mouth. And I think he deserves some credit for making a song about as issue most “thugged-out” rappers wouldn’t touch… I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious that Robert is maybe a little bit TOO sexual.
If you saw him perform the song live at the MTV music awards, you would have seen that he definitely has a sense of humor about the subject matter (as is evident when he’s talking about YOUR BOY, Rufus during the performance).
In short, leave The R alone, will ya? (From his song “Sex in the Kitchen” Remix…obviously).
P.S. This post was written after 7 hours of Johnny Black consumption, so I will prohibit all liability if it sucks and/or makes no sense. And for the record… you stated in a posting the other day that you have never met anyone that could compete with you as far as stamina goes… Nevermind the fact that I personally think I can piss on that statement (read Cadillac March ‘03- June ‘03), but I know for a fact that you will admit that Gij HANDS DOWN SHITS ON YOU when it comes to longevity.
The Butt.
October 21st, 2005 at 6:17 am
“Gij HANDS DOWN SHITS ON YOU”
Agreed, but I was talking about people, that kid is a mutant.
if you want to have the “who can stay awake drinking longer contest”, I suppose Thanksgiving break is the next time I can do it, being able to stay awake drinking for 4 days and all.
October 28th, 2005 at 12:14 pm
best friday reading ive done in a while. thanks.