Big Bird has bird flu
This was going to be a post where I, sarcastic bastard that I am, compared the positive and negative qualities of Bird Flu to the positive and negative qualities of Big Bird. Then, as I was doing a Google image search for Big Bird, (or research, as I call it) I happened upon this picture (which I have not doctored in any way) which shows, clearly, that Big Bird has been to China and may in fact already be infected with Bird Flu.
Delving further into the matter, I see that Big Bird has been in China, on and off, since 1983. Furthermore, unsuspecting American mothers have been exposing their children to Big Bird, seemingly unaware of the highly contagious and ultimately fatal nature of Bird Flu. Take this excerpt from Amazon.com: "My daughter is now 2 and still loves this movie! Now when we ask her " Who was born in China?" She will point to herself and say Emma! She’s learned how to say hello and Big Bird in Chinese!"
If I was your daughter, I would be praying for the day someone teaches me how to say "stupid American mother" in Chinese, so I could point at my mom and say it. Note to mom, take it easy on the exclamation points, people are staring!
Jade, from Texas (where they now apparently teach children how to read and write instead of making them choose one or the other) offers this insight on everyones favorite pandemic: "I was adopted from China when I was only 3 days old, and as a child I loved the movie Big Bird in China. It is great at showing the different areas of Beijing and what China is like. I am now 17 and it may sound pathetic, but I still love the movie."
You’re right Jade, it does sound pathetic. And isn’t China actually all about Communism, taking over the world, sweat shops that bootleg American products and human rights violations? That’s the impression I’ve got from sources such as The Daily Show and those crazies (or torture victims, depending on whose side you are on) in the Falun Gong (http://www.faluninfo.net/), who accost me on a weekly basis with tales of torture chairs and forced abortions.
These people are really, really motivated to let Americans know about their plight. But it’s like they didn’t get the memo that our country was going to shit faster than theirs. If they started their awareness campaign during the Clinton administration, this probably wouldn’t be the first you were hearing about the Falun Gong. And don’t front, this is the first you are hearing about it. And as awful as the picture of the woman being tortured above is, at least its sunny. Calm down and accentuate the positive!
Something else to consider: how much longer is it until Bert, Ernie and Oscar the Grouch (whose immune system has no doubt been weakened by years of living in a garbage can) begin to show symptoms of Bird Flu? Should Big Bird come out and warn American children about the increasing danger facing our nation?
Find out more later at funfactsabouttheworld, your one stop Bird Flu shop!
