fun facts about the world

I just spent roughly an hour writing a post about my weekend up at Wesleyan and Friendster erased it.

here are the highlights, as I remember them:

I claimed that there was a large neo-Nazi population at Wesleyan and that they went out of their way to make minority students feel uncomfortable, citing this statistic from Wesleyans own website: "25% students of color in Classes 2006–2009." I thought we were all just people, asshole.

I wondered if "Wes Wings" closed at 8pm because it was run by Mormons, and then I wondered if Mormons even went to sleep early.

I pointed out that our Lord Jesus Christ Almighty wasn’t nailed to a cross so that you could walk around with dirty-ass dreadlocks, whitey.

I opined that dressing up like a woman and wearing a toga were not traditional ways in which adolescent males expressed themselves. And pointed out that, for all the foliage and lakes and shit that they have in Connecticut, I’d still rather be in New York City, where it is actually legal to stab someone in the neck for wearing a toga. Yes, even on Halloween.

I said "fuck beer pong". Do you think they play beer pong at parties in China? They don’t, they play "get a job."

I pretended that the "blue laws" caused me to have to drink rubbing alcohol. Really though, you figure that most kids start drinking in the morning, just to make sure they have the option of buying more alcohol once they are already drunk.

There was other shit too and a couple of flicks.

You guys really missed out on a great post.

That’s right, Fuck Halloween. Yeah, I said it.

Halloween, not unlike New Years Eve and second semester senior year, is a time when a bunch of people who normally don’t hang out and party feel as though they somehow have a right to take to the streets and get wild. WRONG!

In NYC the past two years, I had awful experiences with said people who, after a Coors light of two, were unable to control themselves. In New Orleans, at least there was an element of wilding out in the air and Frenchman street always had some dude with a nitrous tank.

This year, I’m going up (down?) to Connecticut to hang out at Wesleyan with my homegirl and Abraham. It should be a good time, or at the very least, I’ll be able to show some college kids how to binge drink. I expect that I’ll be able to generate a post out of the weekend, and if nothing post worthy has happened by Saturday night, I’ll start a forest fire. Fuck the forest anyway.

This is what I imagine me in rural Connecticut will look like.

(this flick was taken in LI after daytime drinking so extreme I was kicked out of an alley outside of a Pizza place on 72nd street not once, but twice by the delivery boy. You should see the expression on the girl I cropped out of the flick, it’s one of awe, by which I mean sheer horror.)

Dear MTA,

            I know that we have had our problems in the past, like all the times I urinated all over your property while waiting for a train that was never going to come. And the 100’s of dollars you and your friends in the NYPD have fined me for various minor infractions, like drinking a beer while I waited for said train that was never going to come.

You probably remember me being critical of your budget and the complete laziness that leads to tons of lost advertising revenue. I was also a vocal opponent of selling that land to the Jets so they could build a new stadium (something to consider: are the Jets and the MTA the new Axis of Evil?).

You may remember me being less than thrilled when you guys announced the whole "we’ll search your bags for no reason" shit a couple of months back (July 22nd if memory serves me correctly). And how I’ve pointed out the whole "if you see something say something" campaign is the dumbest shit you’ve done since…since…raising fares because of a budget shortfall and then realizing you had like $900 million you didn’t even know about. Who the fuck are your accountants anyway, Paula Abdul and David Lee Roth? That’s a rhetorical question.

But you guys have really outdone yourselves with this one. Since you have this great surplus of nearly $1 billion, wouldn’t it make sense to invest in some of the security features that our system is sorely lacking, like closed-circuit TV cameras? Or maybe, how about reopening some of the token booths that have been closed, maybe a couple of extra sets of eyes would help you guys monitor who is doing what in your system. Fuck, you could even finally start the recycling initiative I proposed over six months ago.

Nope, your first order of business with the surplus is to lower fares for the holiday season. That seems like a cute little PR move on your part, but riddle me this: who comes into the city and buys pay-per-ride metrocards during the holiday season? Yup, you guessed it: tourists. And who spends an increasing percentage of their income every year getting to work using mass transit? Residents who pay taxes.

If I understand correctly, and I’m not saying I do because my source on this is the NY Post, the following is true: "The holiday fare discount would cost $50 million, and roll fares back to $1 on weekends from Thanksgiving through December, and for the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s. (NY Post 10/27/05)"

Wow, so you guys are basically spending all this cake so that people who come here on vacation and to shop during the holiday season will be able to reap the benefits of a surplus that was only made possible because residents have been overcharged all year. In the words of the animated Guinness guys "brilliant."

In Loathing Hatred,

james

Yup, I know. I’m early with it. This sloppy looking bitch Harriet Miers is no longer in danger of being confirmed for the position of Supreme Court judge. I can’t help but feel at least partially responsible, what with all the shit I talked on this popular and oft-visited blog. You know what, they say that voting is the truest expression of freedom (I totally made that up), but really in my mind, it’s talking shit on the Internet that makes me feel free. That and walking around my living room naked.

So, as I mentioned earlier, it’s only a matter of time until I am nominated to fill the position left vacant by Sandra "Green" Day O’Connor. Time to start shredding those documents and getting my lies straight.

To quote my favorite racist cunt, Sen. Trent Lott of Mississippi: "Let’s move on, in a month, who will remember the name Harriet Miers?"

No, we’ll just forget all about it, just like we forgot about the people affected by Katrina and all that racist shit you said about Strom Thurmond being "right about segregation."

Ain’t life grand?

This was going to be a post where I, sarcastic bastard that I am, compared the positive and negative qualities of Bird Flu to the positive and negative qualities of Big Bird. Then, as I was doing a Google image search for Big Bird, (or research, as I call it) I happened upon this picture (which I have not doctored in any way) which shows, clearly, that Big Bird has been to China and may in fact already be infected with Bird Flu.

Delving further into the matter, I see that Big Bird has been in China, on and off, since 1983. Furthermore, unsuspecting American mothers have been exposing their children to Big Bird, seemingly unaware of the highly contagious and ultimately fatal nature of Bird Flu. Take this excerpt from Amazon.com: "My daughter is now 2 and still loves this movie! Now when we ask her " Who was born in China?" She will point to herself and say Emma! She’s learned how to say hello and Big Bird in Chinese!"

If I was your daughter, I would be praying for the day someone teaches me how to say "stupid American mother" in Chinese, so I could point at my mom and say it. Note to mom, take it easy on the exclamation points, people are staring!

Jade, from Texas (where they now apparently teach children how to read and write instead of making them choose one or the other) offers this insight on everyones favorite pandemic: "I was adopted from China when I was only 3 days old, and as a child I loved the movie Big Bird in China. It is great at showing the different areas of Beijing and what China is like. I am now 17 and it may sound pathetic, but I still love the movie."

You’re right Jade, it does sound pathetic. And isn’t China actually all about Communism, taking over the world, sweat shops that bootleg American products and human rights violations? That’s the impression I’ve got from sources such as The Daily Show and those crazies (or torture victims, depending on whose side you are on) in the Falun Gong (http://www.faluninfo.net/), who accost me on a weekly basis with tales of torture chairs and forced abortions.

These people are really, really motivated to let Americans know about their plight. But it’s like they didn’t get the memo that our country was going to shit faster than theirs. If they started their awareness campaign during the Clinton administration, this probably wouldn’t be the first you were hearing about the Falun Gong. And don’t front, this is the first you are hearing about it. And as awful as the picture of the woman being tortured above is, at least its sunny. Calm down and accentuate the positive!

Something else to consider: how much longer is it until Bert, Ernie and Oscar the Grouch (whose immune system has no doubt been weakened by years of living in a garbage can) begin to show symptoms of Bird Flu? Should Big Bird come out and warn American children about the increasing danger facing our nation?

Find out more later at funfactsabouttheworld, your one stop Bird Flu shop!

This here is the Nasonex bee, B. If you have ever seen any of the commercials for Nasonex, you may have asked yourself the following questions.

1- Why does a prescription medication have a mascot?

2- Why is it being marketed on television?

3- Why is the mascot a Hispanic bee?

4- Why is Antonio Banderas the voice?

5- WHY WHY WHY??????

The basic gist of the commercial is that the above-pictured bee wants to get at this flower and mash up those pistils and stamens on some naughty shit, however his nasal allergies prevent him from engaging in the sacred act of cross-pollination. Then he goes to his farmaseutico, picks up his receta and with one simple spray of the Nasonex, he is all ready to engage in whatever the fuck it is bees do with flowers. Apparently, Nasonex is like fucking Viagra for insects.

How is it legal for them to market this in such a manner? Are nasal allergies a real problem in the Hispanic community? Do Hispanic people react to cartoon bee’s in a way that white people don’t (word to bumblebee man on the Simpsons, who seems like a great guy to have a couple of Coronas with)?

How is it legal to market prescription medicine on television anyway? I could shoot the TV, but then I’d have nothing to write about.

And while we are on the topic of bees, don’t even get me started on the racial stereotypes in the new Applebees commercial for their Italian dishes. I’ve been an Italian for over 24 years and never have I said the word "gone-o." Shit, even my WOP relatives don’t even speak like that. If I ever go to Applebees, someone is getting a swift kick in the reproductive region and it ain’t the Nasonex bee.

I’m gone-o!

(I just want to point out that I was about 1/4 through what was an incredible post and friendster just shut down. Also, friendsters own spell check doesn’t recognize friendster as a word. Step your fucking game up.)

R. Kelly is a crazy motherfucker. Even if you can somehow excuse all of his pissing on under-aged girls and thinking he was going to get shot on stage during his "Best of Both Worlds" Tour with Jay-Z, (aka an ode to the transgendered) it is hard to deny that he wrote a song called "I Believe I Can Fly." Well listen up, Mr. Pied Piper of R&B, YOU CAN’T FLY. I don’t really like you lying to the kids and shit, telling them "if you just believe in yourself, you can do anything. Even fly." WRONG! YOU CAN’T FLY. If you are going to give kids false hope, at least give them the traditional all-American false hope: Jesus will save you.

Anyway, fresh off not going to jail after getting caught urinating on under-aged girls, R. Kelly has released what can only be described as an R&BOPERA by the name of "Trapped in the Closet." This musically inclined long-play video is unlike anything I’ve ever really seen, but it offers a view into the twisted mind of Mr. Kelly and his sub-par (yeah I said it bitch) lyricism. One thing that is alive and well (other than bin Laden) is R. Kellys imagination, it’s like the sexual acid trip you never had.

The "Trapped in the Closet" series is broken down into five (5, V) parts and all of which, except maybe the last one, have been released as music videos to fine establishments like MTV. I can’t say that I’ve seen all of it, but I’ve seen enough of it to pinch myself until I had black and blues, as if to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Never before has a love triangle been so skillfully described in such detail that it actually turns into a tetrahedron (math joke!). Basically we find the R. rolling dirty back with some whore he met at the club and he is already in her crib, hitting that. But then her man walks in (his name is Rufus which just basically cements this whole thing as being the funniest shit ever) and R. Kelly has to hide in the closet (no word if he bumped into Tom Cruise there) to avoid being confronted.

Then he comes out of the closet (with his gun drawn on Rufus, mind you) to confront the quarreling couple. But wait, Rufus has something he wants to get off his chest. Will the whore R. Kelly has been creeping with on the low turn from the jiltee to the jilted (Mrs. Havisham, we see you)??

Rufus is on the phone talking to his lover and we find out that she is coming back over. Will R. Kelly avoid shooting them, will he break out, will he ever have his day in court?

Well just as R. is about to shoot one or both of them (he even licks off in the air) Chuck comes in and announces that he is Rufus’s lover (he’s "been knowing Rufus for about a year") and then Kanye West pops out of the closet as well and him and R. Kelly do a duet about how there is too much homophobia in hip-hop and how if men would just release their urges to piss on under-aged girls, maybe they wouldn’t be so judgmental of other lifestyles.

As Kanye, the whore, Rufus and Chuck proceed to have the nastiest orgy this side of The Gangbang Girl #34, R. Kelly decides to call home, just in case his wife was wondering where he has been for the last day and a half.

AND A MAN PICKS UP HIS PHONE.

This whole song/video has been running for about 15 minutes or so when this development takes place and, oh boy-boy, it keeps going. Since I’ve got sick of writing about the song/video (thanks in part to friendster who deleted my earlier, funnier post about it) I’ll just hit you with some quotes and images and talk some shit. Really though, I’d like feedback if anyone else has seen this. It’s bad, but it’s so bad that it’s watchable (I’m not going to say it’s good, not with my confirmation pending).

  "Damn, here comes a police man
He drove right up on me and flashed his light
Then I pulled over without thinking twice
He hopped out the car and walked over to me
And said license and registration please
I looked up at him and said
Officer, is there something wrong
He said no, except you were were doin 85 in a 60 mile zone"

If you had listened to Jay-Z’s "99 Problems" you would understand that this isn’t protocol for the police stopping a young African-American. However since they have beef, R. decided to portray the police officer as reasonable and respectful in this song, as a subtle diss. Those hip-hop guys, just when you thought subtlety was so played, there it is right in your face. Ha!

"Then I’m like woman I called this house
And a man picked up my phone
Then she said calm down
Did you forget
My brother Twan came home"

Your brother Twan? What is that shit short for Antwan? I want answers. And where did he come home from? The store? Europe? Jail? Prison? Iraq? Day Care??

"Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax
And I said cool
Climax
Just let go of my leg
She says you’re the perfect lover
I said I cant go no further
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber…"

Oh man. I imagine that he is singing about how he has noticed that there is a condom wrapper on the bed and not trying to convey the feeling "Oh my pedophile ass forgot to wear a condom again and after I paid that last case to go away and I got kicked off the tour and sued by Jay-Z, I can’t really afford any more child support right now."

But who really knows with this nutjob.

Stay tuned for part 5, and hit me with feedback.

Not unlike Operation Iraqi Freedom, the bloody and ill-conceived war over the next Supreme Court justice is still raging on. It should be noted that the fire on the 59Th Street Bridge has been extinguished in a way we can only hope the insurgents burning hatred of American occupation will one day be. Ha!

So, as this Harriet Miers "lady" is being confirmed, some of her past opinions have come to be in the public spotlight. This lead "me" to consider how some of the things "I" have said on this blog (God help me if any of my people remember some of the things I’ve said in real life after a long night of pints) could negatively impact "me" if "I" were to be nominated for the supreme court in the future or, barring Miers confirmation, in the next few months.

"I’d" also like to point out that the "person" who is writing this isn’t actually a person, but a composite of the emotional outrage felt by numerous people, plus some farcical controversial viewpoints. Realize that this fictional character operates with complete detachment from the larger being, not unlike the role "Slim Shady" plays to "Eminem", or happiness plays to sadness if you are bi-polar.

So if you are reading this and you got offended or think these are somehow the opinions of an actual person (who may or may not be appointed to the supreme court) you are sorely mistaken.

Electric sliding back to "my" point, it has recently come out that Miers called Bush the best Governor ever and this may in fact be her only opinion on record. I happen to know for a fact that in "Texas" the Lt. Governor does most of the actual work, but that’s neither here nor there. She is on record as saying it and that’s all that matters.

Another thing she is (somewhat?) on record for is being against most abortions, except for those which save the life of the mother. But this hasn’t been widely reported and stems from 1988, when everyone was still smoking crack. That seems like some lunatic right-wing shit. One wonders if she had been more vocal at some point in her life (obviously blogs weren’t around when she was a twenty-something back in the 1940’s) if it would come back to haunt her. Perhaps not, because as the NY Times reports, she is known around Washington as (and "I" won’t even front, "I" only picked up on this from The Daily Show)  " a very good bowler, for someone her size, she actually gets a lot of action out of the pins."

But considering that the other option for the Supreme Court, ("me") once said the following things:

"Now that that proves that drugs in general, and crack in particular, are not only good for you, but there is little chance you will ever be famous, popular, rich or loved by your parents unless you take drugs."

AND

"Basically I view people who put their complete faith in some religion as lunatics."

AND

"something to consider: with all the failures and disgraces that women have brought upon themselves recently….is it only a matter of time until a woman’s right to vote is revoked??"

Honestly, "I" was a little worried about the sheer number of times "I’ve" put my foot in my mouth in public, private and in settings which could only be described as screaming at strangers. I was actually considering the fact that "my" political career was in fact over before it began.

But then I realized that I was a really, really good bowler for my size and my pin action is beyond reproach.

Every day better than the last, thats my motto.

Sorry to be so bi-polar, but I’m trying to appeal to an a diverse audience here.

I sure do. On that old mentally and physically shit.

Pray for the kid as this is either a fork in the road or the end of the line.