Fuck Chicago
Sadly, this isn’t a city review a la Philadelphia, but more so a few not so fun facts about Chicago. Last night, while I was in the process of getting my Friday morning hangover popping at a bar we’ll call Jake’s Dilemma (yeah, I fucking know) I had a rather disturbing run-in with a few Chicagoians. Now Jake’s Dilemma isn’t the worst bar ever, but it certainly isn’t the best. Personally, fuck bars and people, but sometimes they’re a necessary evil, not unlike condoms and the police.
Anyway, as I’m outside smoking a cigarette and engaging in a perfectly civilized conversation with my friend, I see a bunch of stumbling drunk pieces of shit walking out of the bar, three in number. So, as I’m between drags of my p-funk c-note (we spoke about you stepping your talking game up, did we not?) I hear these people (two whores and a bitch, all cracker in race) begin speaking to the bouncer- who was black, not unlike Styles P, who is one of my favorite rappers.
Now working in an environment where you have to deal with drunk white people on a regular basis can be grating on anyone’s nerves, but these people went above and beyond the call of being pieces of shit.
Basically, the two whores (female) asked the bouncer if their bitch (male) friend could take a flick with him, under the guise of "New York bouncers are so scary." So the bouncer obliges and makes an angry face and gives the middle finger. The bitch, I guess noticing my confusion regarding his motivation stumbled through a clarification that went something like this "Dude, we’re from Chicago. and he’s a black bouncer in New York. Can you believe I just touched a black guy? eww." I’m no stenographer, but that was the gist of it.
When I asked "Do you not have any minorities in Chicago?" (which, in semi-sober retrospect, was pretty poor phrasing, but I was restraining myself from hitting the silly looking whores at this point. Yo, I’m really a sucker for the comma splice, no?)
To which the girl replied, in what I suppose would pass for a down-the-nose, haughtier-than-thou tone in Chicago, but in the infinite snobbery of NYC could only pass for an upwardly mobile middle-class tone: "Yeah, we have minorities in Chicago…But we’re not nice to them, and we don’t touch them."
I was shocked. Not that "Wow, that hurricane did a lot of damage" shock, that Uma Thurman "I thought that ron was yay" shock.
So, Chicago, go fuck yourself.
ROX ONE "The kid so high, the kid don’t lie. I got God muttering: ‘Jesus, this kid won’t die.’"
