Crack May be Good For You
So, I’ve always argued that taking drugs and drinking are good for you and that eating and sleeping is some weak shit, and now I’m going to take selected quotes from slate.com out of context to make my point seem valid. Enjoy!
"…the nation would.. benefit by… crack-cocaine…"
"crack.. cheap, potent smokable..cocaine…great"
"By 1984, snorting coke was still sufficiently acceptable among the professional classes"
" probably 40 people at the Washington Post use cocaine regularly"
"The press…..thought the drug cute….and ……fought gang wars over territory"
"It wasn’t latent racism as much as stupidity that led the press to help the government demonize crack and its users."
"Don’t tell the kids, but there’s a dirty little secret about crack: as with most other drugs, a lot of people use it without getting addicted."
"..it’s safe to play with crack, or with most other drugs, legal or illegal."
"Addiction is…a dangerous myth"
"If the kids find out you’re lying, they’ll think you’re lying about jeering potheads. And….in turn..cocaine itself was safe."
"Experts…..lectured…about these infants, whose chances at normal, healthy lives had been destroyed because their mothers were habituated to cocaine or crack. It was all lies"
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Now that that proves that drugs in general, and crack in particular, are not only good for you, but there is little chance you will ever be famous, popular, rich or loved by your parents unless you take drugs.
Moving right along.
Now anyone who knows me knows that I hate eating. Food has very rarely got me high and it has not ever once given me a blowjob. I really don’t understand what sort of moral justification people have for eating more than one meal a day when the kids are starving. Kids gotta eat (which, btw, was the title of a GREAT Brooklyn public access show), but your ass is full grown. So whats the point in wasting all that child-fuel on your 20-something, not the future, self? Have a tic-tac and calm the fuck down.
Besides my irrefutable argument against eating on moral grounds, if you’ve been drinking enough, you’ll only get hungry at the very end of the night. One meal, one person…one day (casts optimistic glance skyward, appealing to Jesus).
And here is some proof that starving yourself is the key to a long healthy life of being very popular and well-liked.
"calorie restriction has a very impressive ability to prolong life. Experts suspect that the benefit of calorie restriction on life span has evolutionary roots. In times of food shortage, the body’s metabolism adjusts to aid survival. And certain hormonal regulators of metabolism have been shown to help determine the life spans of flies, worms and yeast."
Who knew yeast was alive?
Anyway, so in summation: if you smoke crack and don’t eat, you will lead a long and full life of amazing wonder. If you don’t smoke crack and continue to eat regularly, you will be shunned and laughed at.
No one likes a sober fatty.
And by the way, here is the cutting calories website, so you don’t think I’m somehow misrepresenting the facts.
