Jane Fonda: ???
A long time ago in a land far, far away there lived some woman named Jane Fonda. What, if anything, she did to get famous is not really the central part of my argument. And by argument, I mean hate speech: as protected by the 1st amendment.
I first heard of Jane Fonda in the early-90’s when a Bay-Area rapper named Sir-Mix-A-Lot (if you are over 18, you should really know who Sir-Mix-A-Lot is, if you are under 18, stay in school and don’t do drugs!) had a wildly popular song called "Baby Got Back." Sir-Mix-A-Lot, not unlike myself, dissed Jane Fonda, only he did it while standing on giant ass cheeks, with the following lines.
"Know your girlfriend drives a Honda, playing workout tapes by Fonda/
But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda/
My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hun/"
One may question what Sir-Mix-A-Lot was smoking when he chose he name, as it is the DJ who does the mixing, and not the rapper. It doesn’t make much sense, but I never really thought about it until now.
Anyway, Jane Fonda came to my attention a couple of times in the past year, other than the obvious nostalgia-induced playing of mixtapes I made in the aforementioned early-90’s which had the song "Baby Got Back" on them.
The first time is when she was superimposed on the John Kerry photo. It was around this time that the Kerry campaign began to resemble the Mets. The ‘62 Mets.
The second was when her book came out, I can’t remember the exact title, but it something like "I’m really dumb, everyone hates me and I have such low self-esteem that I used to subject myself to threesomes with my husband and other chicas because I’m a gold-digging bitch and I got used to the cake."
The thing about this that really struck me, champion of womens rights that I am, is that there are young, impressionable girls out there who probably look up to this whacked-out bitch. Listen to me, not her.
Anyway, in what can only be seen as an attempt to further weaken the Democratic party and make them look like a bunch of left-wing hippies who hate America, Jane is going to protest the war in Iraq by taking a "cross-country bus tour on a bus that runs on vegetable oil." I’m not making this shit up.
Don’t get me wrong, war is bad maaaaaan and I am certainly not thrilled about whats going on in Iraq.
And alternative energy is the future maaaaaan and should be researched and funded. I just read some shit the other day about simple converters you can buy on the internet to make your car run on, like, excess oil for McDonalds or some shit. Sometimes I read while I’m drinking, so it’s hard to remember details, or if I really read that, or was having one of my trademark "awake dreams."
And I also know that Jane Fonda isn’t the official spokesperson for the Dems, but she undermines any attempt at a rational, bi-partisan dialogue by doing this publicity-whore thing. In doing so, she makes normal, ridiculously good-looking, intelligent, funny, weed smoking, beer drinking, Tulane graduating 24-year old New York City natives whose last names end in vowels and have blogs on Friendster look like raving caricatures (although thats also a pretty accurate description of me) to the people in the bible belt and the south. And other than the obvious negative political connotations for the Democrats, there are some fuckable girls in those places, and I’m trying to live.
And I couldn’t really overlook this "Jane recently converted to a fairly well thought out, eco-feminist version of Christianity." So, if you are a gold-digging ex-celeb, you just get to Choose Your Own Christianity??
Well, if high-powered assault rifles aren’t the end of this bitch, solace can be taken in the fact that she will eventually fall victim to the wrinkly death that is the undeniable end result of that cruel bastard time. And thankfully we won’t be bumping into each other, because ain’t no way my version of heaven will be as "eco-feminist" as hers.
name that quote: "Religion is the only thing that keeps poor people from killing rich people."
hint: it wasn’t her.
**authors note: yo, the spell check wasn’t working.
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