Fuck Your Guitar and the Person Playing It
I’m nice and hungover here at the job-piece on a Friday morning, so I figured I would let everyone know some important information about their favorite band: they probably suck.
I used to work for The FADER (all caps) which is a magazine I partially blame for the influx of a lot of this garbage. The FADER was probably started with noble intentions and there were a bunch of nice people that I met while working there who honestly believed in what they were doing, or were good liars.
In retrospect, I realize that the mag was really pushing this bullshit hipster ideal, just a couple of years earlier. It was laughable to me that some cats from Connecticut were trying to tell me what was popping in the city and what spots were hot. But what they failed to realize is that anyone from NYC shits all over those same scenes that the out of state motherfuckers wait on line to get into. To each his own, I suppose.
My promotional duties for the mag "put me on" to bands like The Strokes, The Vines, The Hives, Coldplay, The White Stripes and a whole laundry list of other bullshit.
Here are a couple of other band names I’d like to see. The Dirty Looking Herbs, The Hipsters, The Dead Hipsters, The I Moved To New York To Reinvent Myself and It’s Not Working, The Ass Clowns, The Guys Who Couldn’t Retain Their Anal V-Card, The Unpopular, The Dissonance, The Din.
Yeah, so basically fuck those bands. Playing a guitar in todays age is about as outdated as sitting around playing pong for Atari when PlayStation 2 is out. We have hip-hop now, it’s OK.
And has their been a rock lyricist (oxy moron?) in the past 10 years who could write a fucking song. My drunken chicken scratch non-sequiturs burn most bands entire discography. As far as I can tell most rock song lyrics are comprised of two parts.
1: whining like a bitch
2: directing the whining at a female from your past
Honestly its 2005, grow the fuck up and put the guitar down. It’s all been done before (by people more talented than y’all) who at least had the decency to OD at a fairly early age.
And just on a side note, I bump some rock every couple of months, but it’s kick-ass American rock like AC/DC (I know… I know).
PS: I’M SORRY IF YOU HAVE BEEN GETTING THOSE "JAMES UPDATED HIS BLOG" EMAILS I DON’T SEND THEM, MY PEOPLES AT FRIENDSTER DO.
