fun facts about the world

Now, if you live in one of the 11 lucky states that happen to be blessed with White Castle locations, you’re probably going to feel what I’m saying when I say "White Castle has crack in it."

When I was a young man just turning into a degenerate adult, my friends and I would frequently eat meals that consisted of lots of cheese burgers from White Castle washed down with 20 oz. bottles of St. Ides brand Special Brew. Upon completion of this meal, a very unpleasant feeling in the heart area would alomost immediately take root, which we dubbed the "Special brew heart attack."

Looking back, I would say that due to it’s association with rappers and the whole "attempted selling of alocholic ice-pops to children", that we assumed the St. Ides company was probably just putting some foreign substance in their Special Brew (the ingredients listed on the back, if I recall correctly, were rubbing alcohol, sugar, posion and artificial colors) that had a very bad effect on the hearts of adolescent boys.

As time passed and I got older, I decided that I wasn’t such a big fan of the fruity-flavored concoctions and I moved on to beer and the heart attack feelings stopped.

On the drive back from the airport after my first semester at college, Ipersuaded my father to stop at White Castle, as Louisiana is one of the unfortunate 39 states that doesn’t have them and their "Krystal" on Canal St. in the N.O. was as sorry an imitation as I had ever encountered, and I had missed the steamed "beef".

As I returned to my crib with my duffle bag full of alcohol related souveneirs to feast upon my 6 bacon cheeseburgers, the pleasant aroma was intoxicating and enthralling in a way not unlike to smell of burning krills to the trained nose. As I was on the 5th of my 6 burgers, I started to feel some pangs in my chest and the onset of heart palipitations that usually signal the start of an acid flashback, however this was the same specific feeling in my chest that I had blamed on the St. Ide’s Special Brew band malt beverage a few short years earlier.

The fucked up thing about all of this, is that to this day, I continue to eat White Castle, even though it makes me feel like I’m literally about to die and rips through my digestive tract in a way not unlike when Bart Simpson ate the jagged-metal Krusty O. It’s like it has some sort of hold over my psyche and I’ve been to mad White Castles all over the city, and the results are the same from 103rd and 1st all the way to Westchester Sqaure.

And anyone who has ever been to White Castle in the hood (or any White Castle after midnight) realizes that there are a lot of unsavory types there, who in my mind are addicted to the crack-like effects of White Castle and the heart-clenching high the ensues after you eat them.

"What You Crave" as a slogan also sounds like something a drug dealer would say.

"I got what you crave 2 for 5, 2 for 5."

So, many years after the fact, St Ide’s Special Brew, I just want to say "I ain’t mad atcha."

I promise I will get back to this, including a few scathing comments for "Harold and Kumar", who if anyone knows, I would gladly shoot the 5’s with, either one D or 2 on one.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 24th, 2005 at 8:39 am and is filed under Food and Drink. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.